Special

I woke up from a nightmare early the other morning.  I usually wake up around 3ish for a bathroom break, but that morning I wasn't so pleasantly awakened.  And I don't really remember the dream, but I remember the feeling of wishing it wasn't dream and praying that I would wake up soon to realize it was only a dream.  
I remember it was hard falling back asleep, I was afraid the dream would come back to show me an ending, a message I had failed to uncover, and ending which I would categorize itself as a nightmare once again, not a dream.
Since that night, I've been thinking a lot.  I wonder what causes nightmares...I mean, I could understand if maybe I had a bad day, or maybe I got in a fight with a friend and it hurt my feelings, or maybe, if I were to be stressed out about my work, my livelihood, or my future in general...oh...shiat...I guess I SHOULD be having nightmares then :)
I don't know why I have to worry so much.  I think it creates some sort of distance between me and the actual truth of what might be happening.  I had a yoga class yesterday and the teacher kept saying we are all more than our thoughts.  And to go deeper, we are NOT are thoughts.  We could be the opposite of what we think we are.  And then, in class, in between the thoughts of what I was gonna have for dinner and the question of whether or not I should eat at a restaurant or take out, (take out won), I kept thinking about my nightmare and how worried I get sometimes because of some core belief that I might be 'bad' or not worthy of things that I want...and THEN, after sushi and a lil sake, I got down and dirty into my narcissistic, yet potentially and hopefully unrealistic, wave length...


                       Special

I get so caught up with death and beyond.
I get so wrapped up with the thought
That my songs won’t infect or inspire.
My songs will be passed on with my body

And no one will get to sing with me
And no one will get to hear them
And no one will get to say
How great I was
How much they love my vibe
How much of a genius I was
How special I was in this world.

So, I don’t want to die before then.

And I’m ok with pain and suffering for my art
But I want to know that my dream will become
More than just a thought in my head
And I want to know that my honesty
Will not be punished with failure and poverty.


So there, I said it, I want to be special
So there, I also said, I want to be successful
I mean, who could say they wish to die
Without a house, a kid, or a plane?
I want the house,
The kid I could handle,
And I want the plane to fly whenever I desire.

I want the plane so I can live in the sky
And when I want to die, I will jump
And I will jump when I hear
Lots of people screaming from below.
All the people that are envious
All the people that loved my songs
Only then, when they say I am special, I will jump.

And they won’t catch me because they will be looking for the next special punk ass,
And they won’t catch me because I think they are actually me,
And then I wake up and pinch myself ...
I am still alive.

~Jenn

Check-In Sunday

      Dear 45 year old Jenn...wasssssup?  Just thought I would check in with you since sunday is usually a check in day with me...

How are you?  What is your life like?  I am very curious.  As for now, I am writing a blog and wondering about my future...checkin in with the future. Do you have any kids?  Are you married?  Are you still blogging?  Could you tell me, I really wanna know...are you happy?  What, if anything, would you do differently if you could?  When you read this, I hope you know I am wanting to set you up in a good way.  I am trying to put the cement down so you are happy and fulfilled and living the life I am trying to create for you...I wanna know you!  Talk to me !!

To clue you in, I'm 28 now, you're 28 now, and things are pretty good.  I met a really funny guy today, REALLY funny, he made me laugh non stop.  He's older than me, A LOT older than me, so I am wondering if that is just a no no right there.  But he IS funny and cute and worldly and successful and all of the stuff that makes for a good human being.  He asked me out for next week.  So, I am just telling you this in case you end up marrying him, you definitely liked him right off the bat :)

Funny Man

You are a funny man

Grinning ear to ear

Is it fake, your funny face

Or are you a clown?

Tell me jokes I want to hear

I want a face like yours,

If I could grin and laugh out loud,

I would want to be your clown.

            

  Funny man, make me laugh

            I demand a joke or two

            Help me laugh, or love me, you choose

            It is all up to you

Where is the laughter coming from

Or are you an actor by trade?

If I could laugh and grin like you,

I would want to be your clown.

          I am used to frowning, 

          I am comfortable in tears,

          If you see me cry, I hope, 

          You will stay my clown.

I want a face like yours,

You, a funny man,

If I could grin and laugh out loud,

I would want to be your clown.

            

~Jenn

Hi...

I have something to admit.  I have a good side.  And I think it's a pretty good GOOD side.  Being an artist, sometimes I feel people always want to think you're 'bad'.  An image of someone who 'doesnt give a xxxxxx about others and will do anything to get to the top' is sometimes what is necessary.  But, I am pretty good at times... I teach yoga so I feel I am helping people in a small way.  I love my family and I even spend time with them!  I know my friend's feel I am loyal and willing to help out when they need, and I call my grandmother every sunday.  I do.

But, I also have a bad side that I am willing to talk about.  Or address.
I smoke sometimes, I have heard it's pretty bad for you :)
I drink sometimes, ok, most times.  But, I have read red wine is really good for your heart, no?
I probably think about death more than the majority, but when every day for me means I am closer to the end, it's hard not to think about!
I make unhealthy decisions or choices that for SURE go against my gut, and for SURE involve some secrets and lies. One day I might even be able to elaborate, I am a little shy now, but just assume the worst :).

I think what keeps me going, what keeps me from letting the 'bad' take over, is that I am willing to change, or maybe I should say evolve, it sounds a little more sophisticated.  I am always trying to 'be better'.  I WANT to be good, I WANT to help the universe in anyway I can, I WANT to grow.  But, no matter who asks, I am not gonna count how many times I DO or DID go down the wrong way.  It doesn't matter so much...let's just say, I keep learning some valuable lessons !

Just reflecting, I think the worst part of my dark side is lying to cover UP my dark, or bad side.  So, in a way, maybe my poems or songs are a way of asking the universe for forgiveness, and for trying to find my way to truth or good again.


http://www.box.net/shared/yovoay5v3t
(I hope this link can allow for downloading)
                    
                    Am I Good

Hi there, are you happy in your skin, or are you like me?

Do you like the reflection before you, or are you like me?

Sometimes I think, I want the next world,

I want a different body; I want a better soul,

Sometimes, I don’t know if I’m good, 

And I don’t know if you’re good.

Hi again, are we grounded from being swept to the wind?            

Can we sit still and smile on a rock, or are you like me?           

Sometimes I think, I want the next world,

I want a different body; I want a better soul.

Sometimes, I don’t know if I’m good, 

And I don’t know if you’re good.

           

Some people say I’m nice

                   Others don’t care to say                                   

                   But who am I, who are you,

Who are we to care?

Hi there, can you say I love you in a stare?           

Are you sick of my constant questionnaire, or are you like me?           

Hi there, are you happy in your skin or are you like me?

~Jenn

PS...As soon as I can figure out how to upload songs on a blog, I will...like I said in the beginning, I am not too savvy on the computer !

I think I figured it out!!!

Eeeeehhhh

http://www.box.net/shared/u9syh5eune
Eeeeeehhhhh.  Fyi, 2 margarita's on an empty stomach is not a great decision.  And, it is only day 2 of my blog, I am still in the beginning stage, I can't just wake up semi hung over and I try to write something worth reading...eeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Hmmmmmmmm.  I was thinking last night about Barry Manilow.  Hold on, lemme explain!  I was thinking about why I wanted to write songs, or poems, when others might want to be a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, etc...and then I remembered his song with Marty Panzer, 'I write the songs to make the whole world sing'.  And I guess it made me think, I wanna write songs that make the whole world THINK.  It's not like I wanna make the world as neurotic as I am, but sometimes I think that if we just took the time to think about our actions as opposed to blindly acting, we would learn a lot more about ourselves and others.  It's just a thought.  And then maybe, if we understand others better, we wouldn't get so pissed off all the time, and the world could be just a little more peaceful :)

             The Dark Side

I’m not one to look on the dark side, I’m not                

All I want to do is take care of the worldly rot

I’m not one to look on the dark side, I’m not

But if I turn my head to the left my mind gets in knots

The people, the workers, you and I alike

Are sitting closely and miserable in sight

We’re not listening on this disconnected side

And this sight, unnerving, it makes me want to hide

But I’m not one to look on the dark side, I’m not

But if I turn my head to the right, my mind gets all tight

The sad and the homeless, drunks with vermouth

Are sitting closely, and yelling its truth

Today it seems that dark runs the show

Just turn the news on, and violence owns the shows

But I’m not one to look on the dark side, I’m not        

But how can I help tune out this school of thought?

Let’s get together and turn the light on bright                 

Come forward with me; let’s ignite some sight        

Cuz we’re all gonna die, and we all seem to lie

Let’s help each other find some peace to rely

I’m just a woman, simple and struggling

But, I know what I want, and it’s not troubling…

What do YOU want, it’s important to know                  

So little things won’t deflect you from your own show        

Maybe the sides that are seemingly light only        

Hide the universal darkness of night

But what do I know, what do YOU know,   

What do we know, all that I know,

I'm not one to look on the dark side...not yet.      

~ Jenn

http://www.box.net/shared/u9syh5eune

The Beginning

Hi!  My name is Jenn and I am beginning something new once again!  The beginning seems to be the hardest place to start.  And maybe the most exciting.  But for me, right now, it seems to be the most overwhelming because there are no existing rules, plans, moments to expect, it is just all open and new.  And I am not even mentioning the amount of time it took to actually figure out how to make a blog.  That information would definitely make any 5 year old lose respect for me :)   But, now that I feel a small bit of success in my accomplishment, I can stop excusing my lack of blogging on my lack of a blog.

So, moving on...My name is Jenn.  I am a woman.  Sort of.  Does 28 years old become the new teenager since 50 is the new 40?  Or am I still a woman in my actual years of being alive and the fact that I get my period on occasion? I guess you can be the judge, but either way, I am a female searching, struggling, living, experiencing, striving, accomplishing, failing, (any other adjectives you might want to add), and almost always loving this human experience we are all in together, like it or not.  I have not yet found my way in the world, according to myself and my critical mind, and I always come back to sitting at my computer, writing songs, poems, pep talks, or anything else that makes me feel heard.

I started writing poetry and journaling when I was 7.  My poems became songs when I met a musician after moving from NYC to Los Angeles.  Then I continued writing lyrics and music by myself, singing and starting a band called Green Hut.  We weren't great, but we had fun, and I had blue dreadlocks to boot.  I have always wanted to write, all my psychics and spiritual guru's (yeah, I live in LA) tell me I should write, so for once I am just going to listen and do what I am told.  I figure if one person, maybe 2, my sister and my friend, read a post, I will feel a little more understood and a little more productive in the world.

So, here goes nothing, or something...a poem to start the ball rolling...I am hoping to turn it into a song one of these days...

             Beginnings

Ever wish things could be different

Beginnings would never change

I wish I could say I love you today

I don’t feel that same way

The first day we met

I thought you were going to save me

I was down and out and you were talking bout

Taking care of me

Ever wish things could be different

I wish I met you at another time

Would we be the same without our others

Or would we look another way

I wonder why things happen

Why we chose to lie

Wonder why I thought you were perfect for me

And why I opened so easily

Ever feel like we were dirty

Like we were bad, bad to the bone

I felt so good and at peace with you

But look at what I did with you

Ever wish things could be different

Beginnings would never change

I wanted to laugh and love you forever

And watch the people pass with you.

~Jenn