this week

this week went fast I think, and I feel I have not really accomplished anything to major...I had high expectations for this week!  i was supposed to work with a music producer this week, I was supposed to write some more songs maybe, I was supposed to meet up with a singing coach, I was supposed to do some other things to I am probably not thinking about and therefore not doing :)
I hate being at the mercy of other people's schedule, their time line is not the same as my time line...I like to get things done, 1, 2 , 3, and when I know what I want to do, I want to do it basically...but in this situation, I can't do everything by myself and have to wait for them to come around, for them to have some time in their schedule, for them to call back and make a plan.  Waahhhh, today I just feel like complaining.  One of those days.  I guess it is making me think about the Rolling Stone's song "you can't always get what you want, but you get what you need'...I want what I want, I have what I need, no?  Maybe not, maybe so, but I want to NOT want, ya know?  And I think that can happen eventually, like today, I am not going to want anything anymore, I am just going to try to do what I like to do and whatever happens, so be it...
should be an interesting day...

~Jenn

Heaven's Rap

I always wanted to write/sing a rap song...doesn't everyone???

               Heaven's Rap

Across the blue felt sky, I heard a singing note

Dropping a long, loose, line, like a pen written note...

It fell from the distance and into my ready lap

Reading the pale sleek paper, it sang a heaven’s rap…

The birds fly high, the fish swim low

The dogs run fast, the bugs bite slow

The babies cry loud, the signs point down

And we all sound out when the truth is not out

Busses pass gas and bikers get passed

Burgers sit on thighs and guys like to lie

The differences will stay and judgments will remain

But we all sound out when the truth is not out

        Yes we all sound out when the truth is not out, 

        We all sound out when the truth is not out, 

        It’s the circle of doubt, it’s constant and throughout, 

        And we all sound out when the truth is not out.

God’s message sent from the drops of sun

I feel lucky I heard, its message stays in my thoughts...

Let all the seasons pour some silent truth throughout

And until that day of judgment, I’ll remember heaven’s rap…

Chorus 

        God is everywhere, choices should beware

Love is best, the ego is our test

Children resist and the old reminisce

But we all sound out when the truth is not out

Madonna is a star but we all can go that far

Believe not what you see and challenge the degree

Hell will be for Osama and some more

And we all sound out when the truth is not out

Bridge.

It’s the circle of doubt, constant and throughout, the circle of doubt, constant and throughout.

So when you think your life lacks, just remember heaven’s rap, remember heaven’s rap, remember heaven’s rap… 

Chorus #1 and chorus #2

Evil exists and God will persist

Exercise is good, honesty a should

Artists maybe poor, the rich can be a bore

But we all sound out when the truth is not out

Listen with your heart, time ticks from the start

Forget the past cuz today could be your last

Guys will be fine if the girls make the dime

And we all sound out when the truth is not out

Yes, we all sound when the truth is not out, the circle of doubt is constant and throughout, we all sound out when the truth is not out, the circle of doubt is constant and throughout.

Hmmmmmmmm...maybe I will stick to folky pop instead :)

~Jenn

I have a job

I met someone, a guy, that talks about his mother ALL the time.  And it seems to me he loves his mother, which is good, but the fact that every conversation is about his mother, what she told him to do, what he talked to her about, what he is doing for her, and you get the picture...I think I am more annoyed listening to it than he is about actually doing it...but he complains about her as well, but still, it's a little pathetic at the age we are, no?  It made me want to write a love song, NOT, but a song for all the mom's in the world that won't leave us kids alone :)


I Have A Job

It’s just my job, la de da da
Yes, my job, I say mama
Leave me be, I like my tree
I have a job, let me be.

It’s just my job, everyday
I go to school, and then I play
So let me be, I have a job
Let go of me, I like my tree.

The teachers say I have to work
My woman takes the money at hand
She loves her clothes, ring and band
She’s my job, la de da da.

I talk to her, that’s enough
I give to her lots, lots of stuff
Mama please, you annoy me so,
I have a job, off I go.

Mama go, I have a job
So what if I seem a slob
Leave me be, I like my tree
I have a job, let me be.

I have a job, set me free,
I have a job, let go of me
You’re not my job, I say mama
I have a job, la de da da.

Seven

Seven

I am seven.
I am old.
Or at least I thought I was.
And what I thought was the truth.
It was the truth because I believed it.
And if I believed it, then it was real.
It existed just as I pictured it.
And I trusted myself, my feelings,
What I felt was true and real.
So if I thought I was old, I was.
No one could tell me differently.
Not even my parents.
No one knew the real truth about me like I did.
And I was stubborn, very stubborn.
So I didn’t listen to anyone but myself.
Because I KNEW the real me.
No one else did, and that was okay.
Or I thought it could be okay.
And what I thought was true.
But now I know it wasn’t okay,
And I wasn’t right.
And what I believed was not always true,
Not always real.
And look at me now.
I am always wrong.
But I know I am right at being wrong.

~Jenn

soul mates

It's sunday again, sunday AGAIN.  I am not a huge fan of sundays, I think it was such a horrible day growing up as a kid, back to school, back to gymnastics, back to being yelled at, back to being in a school I hated, back to living in a house that was not my home with all the other gymnasts, back to the grind, back to being depressed...sundays are amazing now compared to what they were back in the day, but still, my blood, my cells, my core is still recovering and the gloom and clouds that appear on this very sunday is not helping lift the mood...oh well, I am used to this...oh, funny, but I am going to go talk to the dead today too, how crazy am I :)  I wonder if anyone is going to answer my questions from up there...

Do soul mates exist?
Will I know with just one kiss?
Will I be able to ever resist,
My soul mate,  my soul mate...
And your soul I want to explore, your soul I don't want to ignore,
It's your soul I wish I could buy an extra in a store,
My soul mate, my soul mate...
Is a mate is a companion, a friend to walk side by side
Someone who gets all of me on the inside?
My mate I wish to see off for the day, and then see come home to play
My soul mate, my soul mate...
Should we walk on the sand, should we talk hand in hand,
Should we whisper our secrets and lie side by side letting the time drift by...?
I will know it's you when I feel there's nothing left to do,
But get to know all, all of you.
I wonder if you will see, the connection and spirit in me
Or will you run to others looking to be free of me?
I wish for the world to be on my plate,
And see all the lights from every state...
But with you, I could reside in just one place,
And not have to move, would just have to relate...
Do I love the idea more than the man?
Maybe that's why I can always withstand
The ups and the downs of every man
Because the idea of the other is grander than all others...
Imagination is fun, I can create all my desires
I can live in a world with passion and fires
I can lie to myself and pretend I have it all
I can pretend to give you kisses and calls...
I wonder if dreams can ever become real
If I lie enough to myself, would they become true?
Nothin really matters, but everything is always at stake,
Tick tick tick tick, hurry up and run fast to me ,
My soul mate, my soul mate...

~Jenn

Every mistake becomes another lesson

Sometimes I know what I need
I know how to act and I know how to be
And I will wait for you to see
That life is not just about you and me...
         Every mistake becomes another lesson, every mistake becomes another lesson
         to take, to take...

Your gaze shifted to the floor
I know your issues that you ignore
And I will wait for you to see
That life is not just about you and me
          Every mistake becomes another lesson, every mistake becomes another lesson
          to take, to take...

You play to win but what's the game
I like to win and show my name
But it's just a joke, we're all the same
Over and over it stays the same
I'll wait for you, we're all the same
Over and over, we're all the same

Every mistake becomes another lesson, every mistake becomes another lesson...

Where are you going, what do you want
It's hard to keep up, I know what I want
I don't want to run forever
I only want to be together

I can forgive but I can't forget
I love you more than I did before
I can go past the mistakes
Cuz every mistake becomes another lesson...

I know I can love you, but I can't forget
It's in the past I have no regrets
Life is now, I know you still care
It's in your look, it's in your stare...

I will wait for you to see
Life is not just about you and me...

Every mistake becomes another lesson,
Every mistake becomes another lesson,
Every mistake becomes another lesson to take, to take...

~Jenn
PS...I dreamt this poem, don't know where how or why????  I woke up singing it too :)

win win winna

I saw a really good movie last night, Win Win with Paul Giamatti (and some other peeps obviously)...it was really good!  And, of course, he was great in it as usual.  There is something about him that just reeks of a good guy, a good soul, a good person, and whatever character he plays, that goodness comes out on screen and you just have to love him...or I do at least, I love his soul.  Anyway, it was also a great movie because it was a slice of real life, real struggles that might not have typical 'happy' endings, but they still are better off in the struggles they are having to overcome.  It was a good movie, I give it a thumbs up for sure, even two thumbs up, if I had another thumb I would put it up too :)
I want to be a good person, I want to be a good soul, I want to be someone that always  goes for the best possible outcome for the whole group, not just for myself.  I don't want to act as selfish as I think I do some of the time.  Because acting that way might not be best for the others around me.  I wish it was different.  I wish that I could act selfishly and what would be best for me would be best for everyone around me.  Maybe that CAN be achieved, I guess every situation would be different ...
Today I have to write, today I need to sing, today I need to get a manicure and pedicure.  A me me me day.  Sounds like a selfish day to me.  Thinking the work I need to do is for me, but it could be also for people around me when they can experience the work, so maybe the work is not that selfish of a thing.  The mani/pedi has to be selfish, but hey, if it pleases me to have nice nails, then I am a happier person for it, and might treat others better, no?  I think I might be on to something.  If I can make myself happier, than I will be a much better human being in the world.  Now, if for some reason, getting my nails done was a chore and I was doing it for my 'man' and not for me, then I might see it as not so happy and walk around the day being resentful or feeling impatient for having to sit there for an hour.  Then I might walk around the world NOT being so nice to others, not smiling and saying 'hi'.  I get it I think, you?  Walk around the world today, do your work today, sing your song today and walk around with a smile and see how you feel :)  Im gonna try it at least...

Smile, it's friday !!!!!

~Jenn  

where will you go

http://www.box.net/shared/sq08ouqm47

I am kinda psyched I just finished a new song and am just starting to develop it.  I like when I can hear it recorded, just acoustically, it makes it more 'real' to me.  It's now a song, a REALY song, not just an idea in my head.  I hope one person can get to hear it :)

~Jenn

My Favorite Guy, I mean French Fry

My Favorite Guy, I mean French Fry

I would like to talk about my obsession with French fries.  And not just French fries in general, but there are 5 french fries I am obsessed with.  There’s the curly fry, the Cajun spiced fry, the sweet potato fry, the waffle fry, and the worst one, the parmesan truffle garlic fry.  That one is the worst because I love that one the most.  But, there is waaaaayyyy too much going on with that fry.  Almost like the party is too big for itself.  There’s parmesan, the salty part I crave, there’s truffle oil, the European new age taste that I cant get enough of, there’s garlic, the good for you but no one else drug that I could consume raw, and then the fry, the oily, crispy perfectly fried fry.  I love it, did I say that already?  Well, I do.  But I know it’s the worst for me too.  Too much going on, leaving me always wanting more.  I end up eating too many, I feel sick, horrible and sluggish the next day, and mad at myself that I lost control…again.  And I swear I will never do it again, eat it again, never touch it again because of how it makes me feel…but I am weak when it comes to that guy, I mean fry.  

So, what happened to the simple French fry?  It did the job; it satisfied my salty, greasy desire without taking over my self-control.  It didn’t have to entertain me or dance around with all the fancy flavors and costumes.  But just one taste of the other fries take me away the moment I let myself dive in.  Like the sweet potato vibe.  I thought I was being healthy, making a better choice.  But it turned out to be as sneaky as the others.  It needed lime and something kosher to taste perfect.  It needed too much maintenance to keep it crispy.  And when it was perfectly seasoned, it was great, it is great.  But too out of control for me to be able to count on it at all times.  So I realize, once again, the high maintenance taste takes me away from what I overlook.  The reliable, stable, down to earth fuckin French fry.  And I don’t even want to talk about the curly ones.  They are so divinely greasy and wrapped around like Shirley Temples that they are just too fun to eat.  Little salsa dances in my mouth, I want to party all night with them!

Uh oh, here it comes…I thought I could control myself this time…call me lazy, call me crazy, call me whatever, but I’m getting hungry now and need a French fry, the parmesan kind…bye!

~Jenn

Trust (the movie)

Last night I went to the premier of the movie, Trust.  You probably have not yet heard of it, it comes out April 1st, directed by David Schwimmer (yes from Friend's), and with a great cast, Clive Owen and Catherine Keener and new comer Liona Liberato.  It was a heavy movie, one that makes you think, and one that makes you cry.  Without telling you too much of the plot, it is a story about a family, they are close and normal, and their teenage girl who becomes friendly with someone on Facebook.  She basically falls in love with a guy on facebook, and when they actually meet, the guy is like 20 years older than her, and rapes her.  And then, it is how the family deals with the tragedy afterwards.  The 14 years old girl is really good in it, so I would recommend the movie for that alone, but, I would recommend it to parents and kids alike who could be victim to this horrible situation, one that happens more often than not.
Men, men, men.  MEN. Men provide safety for woman, sometimes.  Men protect us, make us feel loved and adored, sometimes.  Men provide security, companionship, and strength, sometimes.  BUT, men are creeps, sometimes.  Men manipulate, sometimes.  Men take advantage of young girls who look up to them and need their love and guidance, sometimes.  Men are selfish and only out for themselves, sometimes.  Men lie and cheat and have secret lives, sometimes.  Men do not care as much as they want woman to believe, sometimes.  Men take advantage, sometimes. Men steal the innocence of woman, sometimes.  So, that is what happened in this movie, and as much as I love men and all the men are in MY life, sometimes, men can be horrible creatures (as can woman, but this is my blog and I am only talking about men now :) )  ...
                
              ALL IN A MAN


There I was, born close to heart
There we were young, naked and free
You hugged me close, I shut my eyes
There I was, safe to be.

I danced on grass, played in the trees
Sang to the wind, innocent and free.
You hugged me close, I shut my eyes
There I was, safe to be.

I had my hands to mold the clay
I gave my body to the wind
I had my hands to close and pray
It was me, innocent in soul.

One day passed, it marked my brain
One day drifted, it scarred my heart
That one day, it was all in a man
That one day, he chopped my hands.
      All in a man, he sold my hands
      All in a man, I became a sin
      All in a man, I lost my hands
      The pink turned blue, I had nothing to do
      The pink turned blue, I could not Do.
There I was, handless and crippled
The life I knew was gone and sold
I sat back, my innocence bore sin
I had no more hands to hold and mold

I ran to the city, looking for work
I had to find what I could do
I got some money to show my soul
They said, for money, my sin could do

But I was blind, I could not see
In this state, how was I to be?
But I was empty, sold to a man
He promised money, but no more hands
  
That man took it all, sold me to dust
That man took it all, gave me away
That man seemed strong, wise and safe
That man, my father, let money sin his sway

I could not do, and still today
I cannot do with my hands away
I wish you could see that I was once free
That I was once, safe just to be

Not now, not ever, it’s gone forever
My hands are lost, taken by a man
All in a man, he sold my hands
All in man he chopped my hands

Today, what does it all mean?
Money over me, that was his dream
His dream took much worth over me
Yes, that’s it, money over me

Money over me, sin paid his way
Money over me, it’s over, I’m not free
Money over me, sin paid his way
Money over me, I'll never be free.

~Jenn

Work work work work work

I am a victim of working too much, of becoming selfish with my time spent at work and time spent benefitting myself.  I like to think I am working to ultimately help the universe be a better place, but sometimes it is just for my own selfish desires.  Anyway, as much as I sometimes fall victim to this, I have to say I am only so strong as my heart is alone.  Meaning, if I am loved, if I love, if I have a love in my life, that 'love' will take priority over all else in my life.  Not saying it's good or bad, better or worse, just saying that is how it is with me.  I think because I craved it so much growing up, when I have it, I just want to feel it and feel it and feel it because pretty soon it might just go away.  And then it will be work work work work work again...but when I am the one loving and the other is consumed with work work work work, well, I am not a happy camper...would you be??


This song is for you because right now I am feeling blue
I am pissed off to no end because of NO sight of you
Work work work, that’s all you do
What's a girl to do with no love from you?
Work work work work work work
You have more of a relationship with your workers
Makes me think you might be gay or unsure
Or else you are an ass and extremely insecure...

I didn’t sign up for this when you asked me out
You promised such a fun life, and I know hard times come
But the hardest part is not getting the time to spend with you
I’m lonely, very lonely, and I have a lot to do
But I rather be alone by myself than lonely with you.
Work work work work work work
Not even a 'hello' kiss when you come in the door
You go right to the dog and you guys roll on the floor
He gets more action from you than I do
Sorry to say but he is cuter than you too.
Yes I am angry, yes I am pissed
I do a lot for you that you just seem to miss
So this song is for you, and it is very true
Enjoy what you do because it's all you will have
All that will remain with you.
I am out of here, out the door in case you might notice my stuff gone
(But I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t even notice)
I am not an angry person and I am not better for it,
But under all this anger is true sadness and regret.
I miss you I love you I want you closer to my side
But it won’t work if all you do is work work work
Work work work work work work is all you do
All you do is work work work work work work
Good bye to you...

~Jenn

Fashion, music, why can't we all just get along?

Fashion is cool.  Fashion is creative.  Fashion is a statement, and fashion is timeless.  I went to an event to support the LA fashion school at Barker Hanger by the santa monica airport, and it was very impressive to see the top students have lines of clothing with models doing the catwalk for everyone to see the different styles.  Very impressive and cool.  And during this even, there were outfits on mannequins to demonstrate the 'hip' clothes from the 60's and 70's.  Versace outfits, Gucci, Chanel to name a few.  Anyway, it was interesting to see these outfits from so long ago because they seemed as if they were outfits of today.  Meaning, a dress that Versace made in 1967 could definitely be a hipster dress today.  So, what am I trying to say?  I think I am just trying to say that as much as we think times are changing, or that humans are evolving or maturing, I have to say that I am not sure that is the case.  The outfits demonstrated to me that we are pretty much the same, our tastes kind of stay the same throughout the times and maybe they change from season to season, but what was cool 30 years ago could come back and be cool today.
Similar to music I think...like the Beatles song, Let It Be...it is a great song, was a great song back when it was first released, and is a great song now.  The meaning, the simplicity, the melody, it is just great and in one year to infinity years it will still be great.  U2 ONE is a timeless song.  The meaning, the song, the lyrics, it all worked when it came out and it will work forever.  And I could go on and on and on with other timeless songs, but you get the point.  What is great, what is simply great, is just going to stay great forever I believe.  Which says to me, that we, people, humans, creation, we are who we are and our emotions, our sensitivities, our nature is not going to change very much.  Good, bad, I don't think we have to judge it, it just is what it is...maybe?
But, why are we always trying to change ourselves?  Well, I think we need to improve society, improve how we treat others, improve how we get along with others and all of that, but maybe we should become more accepting of ourselves and in turn, we will become more accepting of everyone else...I am a huge victim of trying to change and become better, but I think that makes me critical or harder on my friends and my family.  Maybe it makes me someone who is harder for the world to live with as well, looking at the universal picture.  Maybe I should become more accepting of my nature, my humanity, my core and trust that I am doing pretty good...maybe we should all have a little more faith in ourselves and our neighbors...
I mean, really...why can't we all just get along ???????!!!!!!  :)

~Jenn

home is where the drama is...

Home is where the heart is, you think?  Maybe yes maybe no, but I know for sure, home is where the drama is, or even better, home is where the drama lives.
Home can be with yourself, inside your head, or home can be where your family is, or where you feel most safe, or most vulnerable, or most real, or most fake.  Home can mean so many different things to different people, but in any case, home means something real, something important, something meaningful, something significant.
My 'home' is my family.  And my own family is not very big, it is basically me, myself, and I, but my 'HOME' would be my extended family, my parents, my siblings, my niece's, and maybe a couple close friends that feel like family.  Home is where all the drama is too.  All the issue's come out of the home, and for me, that means I have no secrets in the 'home', but I also feel most irritable and most vulnerable, maybe because I cannot get away with hiding or pretending, or trying to be someone I am not.  Bummer.  I like to NOT be me sometimes, I do.  Maybe that is what has kept me running, running away from my 'home', away from the realness of ordinary life in pursuit of something more exciting, something more acceptable in my mind, something more 'fairy-tale', something more unavailable, and something more idealistic that creates a challenge worth going for.  And, maybe, even-though the drama is from home, the drama lives away from the home in all the pursuits of getting outside of the home.
Not sure where all this is coming from, but I was at HOME last night for dinner and felt like a little kid again, as pathetic as that sounds, but a little kid trying to please her parents but not really wanting to, trying to get along with everyone yet wanting to yell at them for telling me what to do, blah blah blah.  Parents, family, siblings, can't live with them and can't live without them.  I can't wait to have my own kids...I wonder if they are going to feel the same way about me?  It's hard to imagine since I don't expect me to be like my parents, I am going to be cool, hip, open and nonjudgmental with my kids, I am going to be so much more loving than my parents, I am going to make them never wanna leave :).
Anyway, as much as I complain about home, I love home, I love the issues, the drama, the love, the community, the availability, the fighting, the making up, the reliability, the free dinner's, and the love, did I say that?  Home IS where the heart is I guess, whoever came up with that line knew what they were talking about :).

~Jenn

Am I judgemental?

Recently I was asked if I care about what people do, how they old, where they live or come from, if I care about that in a 'dating' situation?  Well, funny you should ask, and funny because of course I would have a lot of thoughts about this, being the obsessive compulsive thinker that I am...
The person who asked me was a musician and from London.  Very cool guy.  Anyway, his response was 'no', he could care less what a girl did, how old she was, what her story was, he only cared if she was a good person or not.  Aaaaaahhhhhh, so nice to hear, refreshing since we live in LA, and not the norm I don't think.  Aaaaaaahhhhh.
Then it was my turn to answer, me being the jaded, cynical, bitter, wiser (if I do say), bitch (if i do say)...'hmmmmmmmmmm', my normal response to a question that needs some thought...I went on to explain, well, I wouldn't want to date an actor...I have done so in the past, and the stereotypical actor is a bit narcissistic, a bit full of themselves, a bit selfish, some are players, some are just plain stupid...you get the point, but I wouldn't want to date an actor!  Also, you might be asking for a life of ups and downs and all arounds with the insecurity of work and paychecks and 'all of that'.  And I jump to 'all of that' because I am one of those girls who is not going to just date someone for the fun of it.  Dating is work dammit, and there has to be a goal in mind, whether it marriage, kids, companionship, boy toy, whatever, there has to be a reason you go out with someone and not just 'cuz'...but yeah, I know I have issues :)
I also wouldn't go out with anyone a lot younger than me...yes I know, weird again, but I don't enjoy feeling older, or going out with someone who has yet to experience a lot of things I experienced, or is still in school paying dues, or whatever, sorry, I am a bitch, but I don't wanna go there.  I don't want to go out with people extremely older either, no need to explain I hope!  I don't want to go out with drug addicts, smokers, alcoholics, people in recovery mode like AA, people that don't have a job, people that don't know what they are doing, people that don't shave, people that don't shower, and the list goes on and on and on...I wasn't trying to scare the guy away, I wasn't even trying to be judgmental in any way, I was just saying, from my past, from my experiences in life, this is what I have come to know and have come to see what works for me...and the whole reason for the conversation, I am guessing, was because I think he was insecure, being a musician himself, if I had a judgement or not about him.  No, not him, I got to know him, he was a pianist and horn player, and there was no judgement whatsoever.  Now if he were a drummer, however...:)
I wonder if I will ever here from him again? :)

~Jenn

I skipped a day :(

Ok ok ok, I missed a day and I will explain.  It isn't due to drinking too much, sleeping too late, or forgetting my responsibilities...it was because I was going in to a recording studio (with guitarist) to 'lay down some tracks', (wow, how cheesy does that phrase sound?), and I had to be completely prepared for the day.  Had to warm up my voice, my voice in the am always needs extra time, had to do my breathing, had to drink some coffee, and had to remember to take a shower :)
I love the recording process and I LOVE the collaboration between creative minds, all working towards a common goal...and when a song comes together, everyone feels the same sense of excitement from the accomplishment.  It's cool, so I love when I am in the process of development.  Actually, I might really love the selling of a song too, but I have yet to experience that :)
In the process, however, I always notice how impatient I am, and also how much of a perfectionist I am to a fault. It is hard to have so much pressure sitting on your shoulders while it is all taking place.  I wish I could figure out a way to let all of that go, to take a pill or something to take all  the unnecessary baggage out of the picture and have it just be the heart and soul being present and open.  I want that, I will keep striving for it and hoping with all my yoga and meditation, some sort of enlightenment will come.  Hmmmmmm, I guess everything I do is for some sort of goal, like it is all homework for something I wish to achieve, and maybe I never will?  And, if/when I achieve it, I wonder if I will even know I achieved it, or I will just think I am coming closer and closer but still not accomplishing the goal...who knows who knows who knows...but obviously, there's a lot of shiat I seem to come up with in my mind, try to analyze, figure out, and solve to help me become BETTER, more PERFECT....eeewwwwwwww, no? Need to solve this issue !!!  And, needless to say, I hated skipping the day, the blogging day, that wasn't very perfect of me :(

~Jenn

everything is a rebound, no?

I was in a discussion with a friend of mine, a very good friend of mine, and I was talking about a new guy I was seeing.  But the story behind it all is that the 'new guy' isn't so much a 'new guy' because I have known him for a LOOOOOOONNNNGGGGGGG time, like LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG.  We sort of grew up together, went to school together, finished school together, and still live in the same area now.  We have watched each other move through relationships, in and out of tough situations, supported each other, gone through periods without a lot of connection, and gone through times where we would talk almost daily.
So, here we are...to make a long story short, he has always joked about us dating.  Like the movie 'Harry Met Sally', he has always thought we would be great together if we would just give it a chance.  I was always on the fence because I didn't want to ever 'ruin' such a good friendship by dating and having someone get hurt if it didn't work out.  Also, I guess he annoyed me in ways that a brother would or a best friend does and I just didn't think that would work in a romantic relationship.
So, cut to the end of story...I decided to give it a chance a couple weeks go.   And funny, but it actually seems like a real possibility, I see him in a different light, I see him, or am getting there, as more of a romantic guy, a guy who can take care of me, look after me, a guy where in the end, I could end up changing his diapers and pooping with the door open ( I know, TMI :) )
But, anyway, I was talking to a friend of mine, telling him the story, and he wasn't negative but he was like, 'jennnnnn, c'mon, don't use him as a rebound, it is just a rebound, and if it wasn't you would have been with him a long time ago...'
I don't know?  I really don't.  But they say timing is EVERYTHING in relationships, and maybe the timing is right?  Or, it just seems that everyone, everything that comes after something, out of something, IS a rebound.  Isn't my entire life a rebound to something from my past?  Every step we take, we can trace it back to a reason why we took the step, and the dots all connect in someway, always back to the past.  So, rebound, shreebound, it's all the same.  A rebound could be the ultimate person for us, it could be what we need...doesn't everyone need a 'rebound'?  It's another beginning, another possibility for another let down, another heartbreak, or, possibly, another soul mate???  Give me more rebounds!!!

~Jenn

I have a question for you...

I have a question for you, I am not sure what to do
I don't really want to be alone, singin this stupid song
but time and time again I find myself without
is it me or is it the times, I wish I could figure it out
so I am on my knees listening, or begging you to please
tell me an answer, one that will makes some sense
one that might lead me on to something new
is there something I am doing that is creating this mess
or is it something I am lacking, please help me make some sense
I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be with me
I bore myself too much, I just want to clearly see
a love, a mate, someone who can guide
someone who I will have some fun with on this crazy ride
I am sick and tired of missing out on connection
and sick and tired of asking all these freakin questions...
maybe you feel me, sometimes I think you do
and maybe you hear me, sometimes I think you will
so let it be known to the universe I believe in
that we all need someone to love and someone to let in
maybe my walls are too transparent to see
and maybe they exist for a reason unbeknownst to me
but break em down I tell ya, I give you permission
make me submit and give me a better situation.
eeeeeeeehhhh

~Jenn

the good and the bad

I think there always has to be good with the bad, bad with the good, happiness can't be without sadness and vice versa.  The reason I thought of this is simple.  We changed the clocks today, we have to 'spring' ahead and lose and hour of precious sleep.  One hour doesn't sound like such a big deal, but it is, it IS!  Anyway, that is the 'bad' part of the equation.  The good part is that we gain an hour of sunlight during the evening which I love...come 7, 730, it is still light, it is still day, and I love this change as we go into spring and summer.  Mood changes with more light, more activities, more festivities, more fun...
So, the good and the bad, it works hand in hand.  It is hard to use this theory when I think about what is going on in Japan, however...Japan is in a horrible state, tragedy that I am finding it hard to put any kind of positive spin on ...maybe there is something that I cannot see as of now.  Maybe there will be something positive to come out of it in the future, yet as we look at the situation right now, it is destruction and loss to the biggest degree.  The only thing it does for me is make me feel grateful that I am not having to deal with such a major catastrophe.  That my friends and family are alive and well and I have a house and sushi to eat whenever I want.  I am lucky and yet I am feeling a bit selfish because I my fortune.  I will continue to give thanks and appreciate what I have, I guess that is all I can really do...:(

The good and the bad
friends holding hands
you tell me you love me
when you treat me with disrespect
I have a house to sleep in
yet I wake up with tears
drowning in flowers from you.
I will sing to the sun and soak in the light
I will run from the rain that comes at night
evil and good, heaven and hell
happiness and joy, I will we could sell
tragedy and sorrow prove the devil exists
I see the light as soon as the blanket lifts
circle of pain, circle of life
we all are in it together holding tight
hold your loved one's with all your might
in hopes that we will all make it through
and see the good and the bad and all it's truth.

~Jenn

Me Tooooooooooo

I’m the kind of girl who likes to have some fun
If you want some peace, I might not be the one...

I’m the kind of girl who likes to socialize at night
Talking about good times to come
I’m the kind of girl who likes to talk a lot at night
Talking about romance to come
And what do you say when a man calls your name for the first time
Its hard to get over you...

I’m the kind of girl who likes pleasure at night
Doing things I like to do
I’m the kind of girl who likes a man at night
Hugging me all night through
What do you say when a man calls your name for the last time
I say baby, its so hard to get over you...

I might not be the one for you
But what I like to do is talk about the good times with you

I’m the kind of girl who likes to dream at night
Dreaming those good thoughts of you
I’m the kind of girl who likes coffee at night
Sipping it looking at you
And what do you say when a man calls your name and says baby, I like you
        Me too
And what do you say when a man says baby I wanna be true
        Me too
What do you say when a man holds my hand says baby I love you
        Me too, baby, me too

I’m the kind of girl who likes dancing all night
Dancing and swaying with you
I’m the kind of girl who likes to laugh all night
Teasing and joking with you
The best word to say is one I say everyday
Cuz it means I feel the same way
When you say, baby, I wanna love you,
I say something worth more than what I learned in school,
I say baby, me tooooooooooooo, baby, me toooooooooooo.

~Jenn

Blogger game

Here's a good game for a friday blog...What theme am I talking about in this song/poem?  And it's the first game of the year, so I am making it an easy one :)
Good luck !!!

You don't want to be my friend
But I don't want you out of my life,
With everything that's happened in the past,
You know our love would never last.
oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh, love is so unfair my dear

We grew up together and that's a good thing
We both our wiser from our fling
Its sad to see it all fall apart
But we knew our destiny from the start.
oooooooooooooohhhhhh, love is so unfair my dear

I wish we didn't cause others pain
I know that's not what we planned to do
I can't believe our feelings kept us together
And our hearts will be attached forever.
oooooooooooooohhhhhh, love is so unfair my dear

Maybe in our next life you'll find me someday
Maybe our paths will cross and our souls will play
I don't want to be punished for loving you more than others
But I guess in the end the truth will be uncovered.
ooooooooooooohhhhhhh, love is so unfair my dear

I pray in the end there was a reason for this
The deceit and lies that encumbered our tryst
Human beings are known for being selfish and weak
And baby, my baby, you are my greatest mistake.

ooooooooooooohhhhhhh, love is so unfair my dear

Don't leave,
But go,
Don't leave,
Please stay,
But leave,
Please leave, please go away!

~Jenn

Yay I can't sleep!

I haven't slept a good night sleep in like 2 weeks now, but instead of it being because I am anxious or worried or upset about something (which is usually the case), it's because I am so freakin HAPPY damnit!  I am almost too happy to sleep!  Yes, whoever thought that sleep could be so deprived from happiness?  But it is, I tell ya, and I am living it.
I am too excited for sleep.  I keep thinking about the good things coming my way, the new possibilities that have been coming into my life for singing and song-writing, the new people I have met recently that are all so cool and so nice and creative and in the music world, the songs I am working on that I am so excited about, the positive feedback, the actual feeling that this singing/song-writing stuff could be a dream coming true...anyway, you get my point, the happiness is ruining my sleep !  I could take a pill but that always wears me out, I could drink more wine but that always wears me out, or I could have more sex, but that always wears me out ;)
So, what to do...hmmmmmmmmmm...wait til depression sets in again I guess :)  What can I do to be more self-destructive and bring back depression ?  YES, I AM KIDDING MOM !!!
But, why can't I be normal????? I think I am just too sensitive to be a good sleeper...I remember being a kid and so excited for class trips that the night before I wouldn't be able to sleep...I remember nights being really anxious and nervous for my gymnastics competitions and wouldn't be able to sleep...I remember a time when I felt so lonely and disconnected to my family and my friends that I was really depressed and couldn't sleep...I guess these things/issues just never change!  But, I am glad to know this now, because now I don't have to blame my adult self about it, I can just think it is me, jenn, and there is just nothing left to do about it...so be it!  I have to say, however, that it is so much more fun being really happy and not sleeping than really depressed!!!

~Jenn

Yay I can't sleep!

I haven't slept a good night sleep in like 2 weeks now, but instead of it being because I am anxious or worried or upset about something (which is usually the case), it's because I am so freakin HAPPY damnit!  I am almost too happy to sleep!  Yes, whoever thought that sleep could be so deprived from happiness?  But it is, I tell ya, and I am living it.
I am too excited for sleep.  I keep thinking about the good things coming my way, the new possibilities that have been coming into my life for singing and song-writing, the new people I have met recently that are all so cool and so nice and creative and in the music world, the songs I am working on that I am so excited about, the positive feedback, the actual feeling that this singing/song-writing stuff could be a dream coming true...anyway, you get my point, the happiness is ruining my sleep !  I could take a pill but that always wears me out, I could drink more wine but that always wears me out, or I could have more sex, but that always wears me out ;)
So, what to do...hmmmmmmmmmm...wait til depression sets in again I guess :)  What can I do to be more self-destructive and bring back depression ?  YES, I AM KIDDING MOM !!!
But, why can't I be normal????? I think I am just too sensitive to be a good sleeper...I remember being a kid and so excited for class trips that the night before I wouldn't be able to sleep...I remember nights being really anxious and nervous for my gymnastics competitions and wouldn't be able to sleep...I remember a time when I felt so lonely and disconnected to my family and my friends that I was really depressed and couldn't sleep...I guess these things/issues just never change!  But, I am glad to know this now, because now I don't have to blame my adult self about it, I can just think it is me, jenn, and there is just nothing left to do about it...so be it!  I have to say, however, that it is so much more fun being really happy and not sleeping than really depressed!!!

~Jenn

Dear Blog...

Dear Blog,

I'm writing to tell you that sometimes I really DO enjoy your company and the daily time we spend together.  I enjoy sharing with you, the good times and the bad, you seem to always have an ear to listen and an openness about you where I feel I can pretty much express anything I want.
So, with that being said, and me feeling I can tell you anything, today I am writing to tell you sometimes I really don't like you.  You annoy me.  You bug me...all you do is stare at me with your open, blank page, passive, just waiting for me to do something.  And you just stare back.  You bore me sometimes!  Why is it always about me doing something for you?  You are exhausting!  I feel I give and give and give and give and what do you do?  You just take and take and take and take.  Everyday, waiting for me to fill you up, to excite you, to you engage you, to write you poems or sing you songs...sure, I am the one that created you in the first place, so I guess when it all comes down to it, I am the one to blame and the one I should be yelling at, not you...but still, you are the one in front of me right now, so you are the one who needs to hear it.
I think I need a little distance right now, a little cooling down period today...I don't want you to think I am abandoning you, but you need to know how I feel and as of now I am drained.  You have drained me and as much as I love and support you, I just hate feeling like you can't stand on your own two feet, I have to take care of you and if I don't, you will die...yes, I need space...
So, have a great day again, you always do, and so it seems, once again, you have stared at me again, and I have filled you up... ummmmmmm, thanks :)

~Jenn

hi again

Don't wake me up from this dream, let me sleep my time away
You're at my side in THIS dream, we sleep our time away
Don't pinch me yet, I'm not ready to leave this state of love
          in my dreaming away
          my state of loss
          when I leave my bed...
So, don't wake me up from this dream, I'm not ready for waking life
I still have yet to decide when I let you leave my side
I know in time I'll be ready to leave this state of love
          in my dreaming away
          my state of loss
          when I leave my bed...
Pray today I'll be ready to move away
Pray today I'll not choose to slip away
Pray today that someday I'll be steady from this
          state of love
          in my dreaming away
          my state of loss
          when I leave my bed...
But, don't wake me up from this dream, someday it will be my past
I hope you understand I'm not ready to leave my past
I know in time I'll be ready, I will
Today I'm not ready to leave my past ...

~Jenn
(going back to bed ;) )

the other side

I am going to write about 'the other side' today because today is actually a day where I don't wanna be on the 'other' side!  I am liking the side I am on today, actually really liking the side I am on.  Weird...

The Other Side

here we go again seems that fighting is our way of talking
communicating what we dont like about each other
i just don't want another fight tonight...

cuz then I start to think about what it's like on the other side
and then I start to dream about how to get to the other side...

you pull me back when you tell me today you love me more than you did yesterday
and then I melt in your arms and then, then
I feel there will be no more harm...

another day comes around when you say 'I need my space can you please go away'
and i don't understand it so much but I go
and hope I don't think too much but I do....

cuz then I start to dream about what it's like on the other side
And then I start to figure out how to get to the other side...

the grass is greener on the other side
the blue seems brighter on the other side
the red is sexier
the pink seems prettier on the other side
take me to the other side
I wanna be on the other side without you...

~Jenn
Yeah for this side :)

Funny how time heals all the really matters

It's funny, it's great, it's a blessing, it's a gift, whatever you wanna call it, but I truly believe as much as I hate time sometimes and how fast it ticks and will never stop, it is also my ally when I think about how time is so healing as it goes by.
I went to a party last night, it was so cool.  The party was for Jeff, the birthday boy, who was Tom Petty's guitar player.   Oh my god I haven't had so much fun in a long time.  The people were all cool, and most of his friends were big musicians so throughout the night they would just all start to jam.  It was great.  So great, and so much fun to just watch them all jam together.
So, anyway, I had a smile on my face the entire night and I remember feeling that I haven't had this smile, this genuine smile, for a while.  I know of the possibility for cheer and I know that I haven't been in the best of spirits as I have been dealing with some issues, but I think I have come through the darkness again and I see the light!  And you never know when the light is gonna come again, but in all my years, time always seems to heal and time always brings the smile back to me again and again and again...thanks time...


Funny how time heals all that really matters...

I am the girl on the floor, watching the clock tick away
I am that girl
I see myself, above myself not really here
I am that girl
The clock stays constant, I age with it, but my soul doesn’t change
 It’s funny how time heals all that really matters
If you walk away today in fear
My thoughts of you will always stay dear.
Funny how time heals all that really matters
I thought I wanted to die last year, and now I am flying high
Funny how time heals all that really matters
If you wait it out, the good and the bad, it comes around again,
I am that girl who believes, I am that girl who knows
Time heals all that really matters

~Jenn

The Poet and the Comedian

Once upon a life, unbeknownst to most,
A girl wrote a verse not common to any host.
But this verse sang a song to someone out there
Who happened to hear her song in the air

Her song made him hum something familiar in tune
And then when he spoke, out came a joke
Laughter soon followed, a sound she had missed,
And then a surprise came, yes, they did kiss

Chorus:   But the strong survive love, wrote the poet in a verse
              And the weak will dismiss love as sweetness in a curse

Their lips fully locked with messages sent
And once the release, a confusing event
A joke to subside the quiet, uneasy bore
A laugh to ease and clear the tone being ignored.

Love filtered the air amongst muscles that failed
To lift and uphold the gift being unveiled
A jokester by trade missed the beat once before
And choosing the stage, romance left the door.

Chorus

One cannot stand nor understand this crooked maze,
The poet trying to write, the joker in his cave
Maybe there’s a reason unfamiliar to most
That the core of the poet did not ignite his most.
And the message of loss to both parties at hand
Tied both hands apart, yet, locked in the heart.
But I wish I could voice and opinion or two
They are missing the boat as are more than a few

Chorus

Still a poet, and always a comedian,
They play without rhythm or die, as they may.
The story continues and I sit on edge
To watch where it turns, where both will ledge…
My words mean nothing, far less than a poet
And as for my jokes, I have none and know it.
The poet and the comedian, I wish them well,
And the moral of their pain, these words I will sell…

Chorus X2

~Jenn

Somedays are better than others

Somedays are better than others, its the truth.
Sometimes are better than others, I promise this is true...
Some smiles are sweeter and some kisses mean more than others, they just do.

I heard it through a secret chain
You dropped her off and sat in the rain
You didn't want to move until you knew her
You saw her walking off the bus
You loved her look and felt her touch
And you knew it was a trouble overflowing
But you had to act despite your fears
Of all the possible troubled years
And knew this was the girl you lived to cherish
Then days with fighting and ignoring appear
And some of the days, I heard you know,
Will drag and bore until you change the patterns...
Sticking through the days the drag
Together holding an umbrella hand in hand
And looking back will prove again
This girl on the bus was the one for you
I'm happy for her and happier for you
To have found a love so brilliant and true
Hold on to her don't let her go
One love in a life is worth every beautiful fight.

Somedays are better than others...
~Jenn

help

Help, I just took a xanax to sleep last night and I am having trouble focusing and feeling I tact...why do I do these things?  mainly for a good night sleep which i get like once a week and it always comes in handy.  but I wrote something a while ago when I was dating a guy who was always so slow and mellow and I am kind of up beat and anxious and always have too much energy, can't sit sit...but I thought it sort of worked in a cute way and who knows if it could be a song, but it definetely worked as a poem.  I guess in my dating experience, as many failures I have had, it just means more songs and poems...I guess there's is always a positive with a negative maybe even one step further, there's always a success with a failure...well, here it is...


Be My Ambien

I love to dream, I dream away
This torrid state, this weary day.
I need my nerves soothed in a way
Only you can tend to everyday.
I see you tired, droopy and slow,
I’ll speed you up and awaken your glow.
Pill or cap, I’ll swallow you whole,
Soak you in, drifting, my backwards spin.
I’ll come forth, a shot in the dark
That will send you in your upward spin.
I love my drugs, and you, your sleep
So what do you say?  What do you think?
Be my ambien, I’ll be caffeine
Together we’ll make one great machine.

~Jenn

Love is a dangerous thing

Oooohhhhhh love is a dangerous thing.  Oooohhhhhh love is a very dangerous thing...
I always know what to say
To make everything go right
But now I'm not sure what to say
At this time in my life...

Ooohhhhhh love is a dangerous thing.  Oooohhhhh love is a very dangerous thing...

When I look in your eyes and see him,
I know I shouldn't go in
It's in my heart I can't control
It's my soul that has to go...

Oooooohhhhh love is a dangerous thing.  Oooohhhh love is a very dangerous thing...

I always want to learn from my past
But I'm not sure that I can last
When I see you standing there for me
I just want to be free...

Oooooohhhh love is a dangerous thing.  Ooohhhh love is a very dangerous thing...

Love is a drug, we've heard that before
But in this case it is real
I can't say no, yet I can't ignore
When it's you who is at my door...

Oooooohhh love is a dangerous thing.  Oooohhh love is a very dangerous thing...

I don't like what's become of me
And I don't understand which way to turn
You do me wrong with your same 'ol song
But it's my fault I keep singing along...

Ooooohhh love is a dangerous thing.  Oooohhh love is a very dangerous thing...

Don't cha think ? ;)

~Jenn

Do you love her more than me...

I really don't know what made me think of this title, this phrase, 'do you love her more than me'...I might have been listening to a beatles song and the sentence just came to me, maybe I didn't get enough sleep, maybe I drank too much :), maybe I was remembering a movie, but I thought about it more, and then felt the sadness of someone, anyone, loving someone and feeling less than someone else.  And, I guess it probably happens all the time, someone loves someone more than someone else, so therefore, they do not end up together.  The person ends up with the person he/she loves more.  The End.  But, there are reasons, issues, stories, bags, situations that are always going on behind the scenes that keeps people apart...I think.. I really believe most of the truth, or what lies behind closed doors is never uncovered and maybe never realized in situations.  Even in relationships where people are together, they are sometimes on different sides that do not understand each other.  Sad, I think, because I really believe in the phrase, 'the truth will set you free'...but in all honesty, how often do we REALLY REALLY know the truth?  The REAL truth? And if we did know the truth, what would we do with it and how would it change anything or everything?  Hmmmmmmmmmmm...
Anyway, the phrase made me interested enough to think there could be a song/poem somewhere in the theme...


Do you love her more than me
And I only ask because it seems
You wont leave her for me?
When it feels so good with you
When you say you love me everyday
When you speak of connection and taking more vacations...
Why do I feel you love her more
And why do I feel in some sort of competition
When all you have to do is walk in some direction
Choosing what you want more, who you love more
And why do I insist to put myself in this much pain
Just waiting, waiting the waiting game
To prove or find out some ugly truth
To know for sure if you love her more...

But the truth is one that people say
Will set you free, so I sit and wait
Watch for signs that say one way
This way
That way
Which way to go
To know for sure,
But don’t tell me now,
Do you love her more than me
Or is it just differently?
And does it matter which way it goes
I don't like to be the one that knows
You are doing something deceiptful in your plans
And who am I to make demands
And who am I to take second base
When it's always home I want to go
I'm so dumb for me to be here
I want to erase all these wasted years
So, do you love her more than me...
I don't care anymore, just let me be.

~Jenn