Bye Bye February

I am glad february is over, almost over, one more day and then helllloooooooo March!  Why am I glad it's over?  Well, I will tell you why I'm glad...one, it is the hardest month to spell, yes to spell!  You have no idea how many people do not know how to spell february, and to be honest, it always takes me a lil time to remember, I have to think about it, but luckily every year I get to practice:)
Second, I am from NYC, I might have mentioned, but Feb was really the ugliest, coldest, wettest month in the year, just having to walk to school, deal with dirty snow, deal with wind chill being below 0...well, it was a month that was just not fun.  And I guess when something from childhood is built in to your core, built in to your mind and memories, then no matter where you live, it still lives and sticks with you.
Third, and maybe final because I do not like to complain too much :), February seems to be a time where people are more down, struggling, waiting for spring to come, wishing, hoping that spring was here, and the energy, the vibe I always seem to feel is that most people are just not too happy.  And maybe it is just me, maybe I project my mood on everyone else around me, but every time February rolls around, I always feel that the faster it's over, the better it is for everyone.  Maybe if more people got married in the month of Feb it would be more joyful?  Maybe if my birthday fell in February I would be merrier, maybe maybe maybe...but, anyway, it's the last day of February and I am in a good mood, good mood because I slept last night and good mood because tomorrow is march and march will be marching into spring and spring will be springing into summer and summer will be simmering and smothering until we've finally had enough and are ready to fall, fall back into the arms and colors of fall :).  Yes, I am a dork sometimes, take it or leave it :)...maybe it's just February...

         'Bye bye February',
          Says the yellow canary...
         'I want the flowers to color my canvas,
          I want the sun to take me into sin,
          I want the clouds to clear my path to fly
          I want the spirit to open the locked doors,
          I want the darkness to fade into blue,
          And I want to sing, sing more to you...'

~Jenn

Happy Academy Award Day

Or should I say, unhappy academy award day.  Unhappy only because I live in LA and there is so much freakin traffic because of all the streets they close down for the academy awards.  I will watch, I am a glutton for punishment,  I will go to one of those parties where you have a contest of who can guess all of the categories and the winner gets money or something like that.
I never win, I never even get close, but it's because of the smaller categories that have documentaries and shorts, and foreign films and all of the  movies I have never even heard of or probably would never even see if I did hear of them.  And I guess I never win because I always pick the movies that I WANT to win, going on my emotion rather than my intellect.
My emotion never leads me the right way.  Makes me wonder sometimes, am I so miswired in my emotional being that I can only rely on my intellect to make proper decisions?  What about the phrase, 'go with your heart, go with your gut, go with your instinct' and you will always be lead appropriately. Not sure about that one, not too sure.  However, thinking about it more now, the heart might say something different than the gut.  The instinct might oppose the brain and possibly the heart, and the heart, well, speaking from my heart, the heart is pretty messed up!  My heart has lead me into so many disastrous relationships that I am surprised I just haven't died from a good old fashioned heart attack.  But, thanks to my health I guess, I can always rely on my heart to keep ticking, to keep feeling, and to keep making disastrous mistakes.
AND, thank god I have my instinct to NOT listen to:)  And I say that with complete sarcasm and truth, because I don't know about you, but my instinct always says what I DON'T want to do.  I always want to go against my instinct, why is this????  So, I go back to the hypothesis that my wiring is just 'off', and my emotions, my gut, my instincts, my intellect, and whatever else I have going against me, well, it all is just a big miscommunication in there and I have found that the best way to deal with too many parties going on in my mind is to just NOT deal, to stop thinking and as one wise guru told me, to just trust and open up to all the love that is around you.  I can't fix the crazy miswiring, the crazy thoughts, I can only talk about it and get nowhere...BUT, I CAN write a song about it and get somewhere?!
Monkey's In My Head...I am laughing because I had no idea the academy awards would end up about me :)

                 Monkey's In My Head


Do not leave me alone with my head for too long, it’s not good
Do not leave me alone with my thoughts for too long, they’re not good

Monkeys in my head, only make me dread
The life we have, the love we lack
Monkeys in my mind, take me away from you
Bring me back to your love I lack.

Do not leave me alone with my head for too long, it’s sad news
Do not leave me alone with my thoughts for too long, they’re old news

Monkeys in my head, only make me dread
The life we have, the love we lack
Monkeys in my mind, take me away from you
Bring me back to your love I lack.

It’s these visions of war, of hate, of crime, they hold hostage the thoughts that run in my mind
And when I pray to some higher power, I still feel powerless in every hour
So in these times I have one request, save me from these crazy thoughts that possess
And, in these hours I ask of you…take me far and away, far from this truth…..AND

Do not leave me alone with my head for too long, it’s not good
Do not leave me alone with my thoughts for too long, they’re not good

Monkeys in my head, only make me dread
The life we have, the love we lack
Monkeys in my mind, take me away from you
Bring me back to your love I lack
And, bring us back to our love we lack
And, bring me back to my love I lack.

~Jenn

Yours To Keep

I am not one to write about happy things, love that lasts, or sunny skies with no worries.  Maybe it's because I think that is uninteresting and bland.  But it is kind of ironic that as much as I hate simple, plain, happy go lucky things or situations, I feel that is the exact thing I am striving for in life.  Peace, happiness, calm, smiles, no worries, and of course, sleeeeeeeeeeeeep.  So, maybe I should stop fighting the happy boring things, maybe I should start writing more about love that lasts or love that is worth keeping or relationships that never end or sunny skies and birds chirping.  Maybe I should start writing about strength and courage and resilience as opposed to struggling and giving up and hopelessness (ok, I don't think I write about that too much, I hope not!).  But, I woke up today, tired as usual, but my mind, my heart are wanting to be happier, freer, and maybe more optimistic...so, here ya go, a song to illustrate that I don't always need to whine and complain about things not working out, I can actually put myself out there in hopes for a happy ending :)  Here's to happy ending darnit!!

                Yours To Keep
http://www.box.net/shared/uyvde7ojb0

Word by word, cheek to cheek, I’ll be yours, yours to keep
Hand to hand, and eye to eye, you and I, we will fly
So, leave all behind, don’t answer more calls,
Cuz if you want me say you want me
If you need me say you need me
If you want, say you want me,
I’m yours to keep, I'm yours to keep.

Meal by meal, heart to heart, stay with me so we can talk
State to state, soul to soul, you and I, we will hold
So, leave all behind, don’t answer more calls,
Cuz if you want me say you want me
If you need me say you need me
If you want, say you want me,
I’m yours to keep, I’ll be yours to keep.

So give me your heart, say you’ll be mine, and I promise to give you my time
And then you’ll know, and I’ll always show that I love you, and our love will grow…

Word by word and cheek to cheek, I’ll be yours, yours to keep
Hand to hand and eye to eye, you and I we can fly
So leave all behind, and don’t answer more calls cuz
If you want me say you want me
If you need me say you need me
And if you want me say you want me, I’m yours to keep
I’m yours to keep!!!!

~Jenn

Smile and Don't Cry

Sooooo simple this seems, so simple to erase the blues and trust that everything is working out for the right reasons...I spent half the day yesterday with my niece, she's 3.5.  I was not in the best of spirits, lack of sleep, weather bringing me down, lack of something was the mood of my day...anyway, my niece likes to make up a lot of games with me.  Some games have been developed a year ago that she still likes to play.  For example, one game I am a monster telling her she needs to sit and eat her dinner, one game is where she speaks to some baby she has put in my stomach, the baby in my belly she calls Lola, one game where we run around the room and she says freeze and you have to stop until she says unfreeze, anyway, you get the picture.  But, yesterday a new game was developed, she found my small laugh kind of funny, so she started telling me to laugh louder, ordering me when she wanted until the laugh became some sort of freaky cackle that I am hoping the neighbors didn't hear, but it was that loud where they could have...she was MAKING me laugh, and gosh darnit, it was fun!  I mean, I was laughing and then all of a sudden something changed, and yes, it was a fake laugh, but it was really making me happy, and just making her happy, me laughing, was actually bringing so much happiness inside that I was like, geez, it isn't so hard to cheer yourself help!  Just laugh, laugh at nothing, pretend to laugh, pretend to have some smile and a fake cheer in yourself, and it really made me happy.  
So, I say just smile and don't cry on some of those days you don't feel like it.  It worked for me, thank you ella for making me happy, for making me laugh even though I know this game will probably continue until she's 10 :), but she made me realize ACTING the part is half the answer for BEING the part.  Kids...can't live with 'em, but you definitely can't live without 'em :)!!!!!!!!

~jenn

Beginnings Don't Come Without and End

New song in development...needs work...I am working on it as we speak, but not sure what the title of it will be...sometimes I think it's sad, sometimes I think it's happy and about change and change is always good, and then sometimes, well, I guess it just is what it is :)

Where will you be tomorrow
After you say the words today
Where will you go tomorrow
After you say the words today

Was it something I said in the past to you
Or was it something that didn’t last for you
I didn't think it would ever come to this
I thought I would always kiss you...

Why does everything have to end this way,
I guess beginnings don’t come without an end
I hope the next beginning doesn’t end...

Where should I go tomorrow
After I hear the words you say
Where will I be tomorrow
After there’s nothing left to say

Remember the day we met
You were riding your bike I was walking the path
Remember how bright is was
The sun set as my heart fluttered away…

Where will you be tomorrow
After you say the words today
Where will you go tomorrow
After those dreaded words are said...

Sometimes life is hard and sometimes life is pretty funny to me
But when we say the end, I always want to say let’s try again...

Why does everything have to end this way,
I guess beginnings don’t come without an end,
No I guess beginnings don’t come without an end...
I hope my next beginning doesn't end.

~Jenn

Yo yo

Life to me is like a yo yo.  And I wasn't very good at yo yo's as a kid.  I think I remember learning 'all around the world' or whatever it was called, and maybe for a year, yo yo's were the 'in' thing to carry around at school and play with during the break.  But, back to my life analogy...every day is different for me, every day brings another mood, another event, another conversation to lead me to a different place.  Like a yo yo, never still and always going up and down.  In a way, it's a great thing because you never get stuck in a place that might not feel so good in the moment.  But, sometimes the downside is that you can never stay still.  Especially in a relationship...I won't admit to the present being this way, but I will say in my past, every relationship had to be like my personal yo yo, up and down, drama and calm, keeping my boyfriend on his toes and me always questioning.  Not the best way to live if you ask me today, but I guess youth always comes with some form of immaturity, especially in relationships.  As long as we mature, as long as we can stop repeating the unhealthy patterns, THAT is what's important :)

             Yo Yo
http://www.box.net/shared/y6a0ey77ol

Every time you get angry, she sees the light
Every time you push her away, she sees your plight
Every time it’s almost over, she wants to start again

It’s a yo yo with you, she loves you when your blue   X2

Every time you loose steam, she comes clean
Every time you throw in the towel, well she’s not mean
Every time you raise your voice, she makes that nicer choice

It’s a yo yo with you, she loves you when your blue

Up and down, she turns you around
When you get to close, your right back to the ground.
She'll run away but when she gets too far,
She'll take your hand and she'll pull you for more.
Cuz it's a yo yo with you, she loves you when your blue,
But what I think she's scared to admit is that her love for you, it scares her a bit...

Every time you get angry, she sees the light
Every time you push her away, she sees your plight
Every time it’s almost over, she wants to start again
It’s a yo yo with you, she loves you when you’re blue.

~Jenn

Its all a big circle

I really want to make this into a song.  And it might, at first, seem like a depressing song, but it REALLY isn't.  I think its an uplifting song, a song where you keep getting up again after falling down.  You keep loving again after getting hurt.  You don't give up, as hard as it gets, you don't give up and you keep trying for what you want.

And, yes, of course it's about love, or lost love, but starting to fall in love, moving closer, putting yourself out there, fearing the rejection, not getting the rejection at first, and then, the relationship moves deeper…THEN, that one person leaves, other person has to deal, has to pick up the pieces, and  once again, try to open for love …So, the song circles around falling in love, and thus, the big 'circle'... anger, pain, loss, self pity, and then, finally, growth and a desire to try the circle again, to try to love again...I wanted to call it 'circle of pain' but that doesn't sound very uplifting...I think I will call it 'Here is my Heart'...

                        Here Is My Heart
Verse:              
Here is my heart, yes, I have a heart
It might be blocked, it might be blocked
But here is my heart.

I want your heart, yes, I want your heart
You’ve held it from the start, you’ve held it from the start
Man, I want your heart.

Chorus:
Please, don’t leave, no, please don’t leave
Don’ let me go free, please don’t leave…

Verse:
Here is my soul, yes, I have a soul
I think it’s rather old, I think it’s rather old
But here is my soul.

Trust me your soul, yes, trust me your soul
I’ll love it til we’re old, I’ll love it til we’re old
Trust me your soul

Please don’t go, no, please don’t go
You have my soul please don’t go…

Here is my pain, yes, here is my pain
It comes with the rain, it comes with the rain
But here is my pain.

Here is my all, I give you it all
Stand still as I fall, stand still as I fall
So here is my all

And you leave, no please don’t leave,
Don’t let me go free please don’t leave
And you go, no please don’t go
You have my soul, please don’t go…

I want to die, now, I want to die
With your memories I will lie, with memories I will lie
But I want to die

It’s my circle of pain, it’s my circle of pain
And it’s such a fucking drain, my circle of pain
It’s my circle of pain

And you leave, why do you leave
You let me go free and you fucking leave
Oh, now you go, why do you go
You have my soul, and then you go…
 
                 Again…
So, here I go, again here I go
With you, let’s go slow, with you I’ll go slow
Again, here I go…

Here is my heart, yes, I have a heart
It might be blocked, it might be blocked
But here is my heart.

~Jenn
PS...I wouldn't curse in the song :)

Uh oh

Uh oh...I am sitting here with not a lot of time to kill, just looking at a blank screen, and it is the first time, well maybe not the first time, but kinda is the first time I have no idea what to write.  What should I write about today?  Should I be dark and depressing? No, that gets annoying and redundant at times.  Should I be happy and uplifting?  No, that gets annoying and redundant at times.  Should I talk about the news?  About the fact that I actually DO read the newspaper and can comment on the image section? :)  Should I talk about where I am going this weekend because I have the ability to take off for the weekend and clear my head even though right now my head seems pretty clear and might need to actually be filled up a little bit?  Should I talk about my guitar lesson I had yesterday and how I think Elton John is brilliant with his chord changes and progressions and I actually learned how to play a g sharp minor 7 b 5 chord?  I can talk about all of these things but I kinda don't feel like it.  I kinda don't feel like talking about anything today.  The weather, clear and sunny with chance of showers.  The sleep, not too bad, not too good, crazy nightmare about my plane flying over snow, going to mammoth and the wind was too much for the small plane to handle so it was crashing and I was able to wake up before I fell from the sky to my death.  Yeah, my dreams are fun fun fun at times!  Ummm, but, well, I am not going to speak about anything today.  I mean it IS a holiday weekend, and with that being said, shouldn't blogger's get vacation time too?  Why not?  Good idea, I think I will deem this day a blogger day, it's a big blogger day, so happy blogger day today !
Hmmmmmmmmmmm, now what should I do ? :)

~Jenn

So, you wanna be a star...

I need a vacation, I really do.  And it's not like I need to go sit somewhere in the sun, drink pina colada's, swim in ocean blue water and snorkel.  Now that I speak about it, maybe I do need that, doesn't sound so bad!  But, I am not even thinking that grand of a vacation.  I just need to get out of LA.  Really bad.  The air is smoggy, the people are bothering me, I am sick of the traffic and the rude drivers and the long waits at Starbucks and the parking meters that cost $5 for 5 minutes and the people at the mall that look as if they just walked off a soap opera set and the people texting as they walk down the street or even worse, as they drive.  I am cranky, I am whining, I am judging and I am complaining about LA.  A vacation for me at this point would be driving to Torrance or even Arcadia or Long Beach, ANYWHERE that is away from LA.  Just being honest.  And I am sure I have been guilty about everything I am complaining about, I mean I obviously came to LA for a reason, I mean I started a blog, how narcissistic is that ????  :)    But, right now, today, I want to go somewhere where not everyone I run into is fake or pretend or working on an image or trying to get somewhere, or trying to get out of somewhere or or or or or...waaaaahhhhhhhhhhh ;)

                So, You Wanna Be A Star


So, you wanna be a star, said the ego to the self,
Wait before you rise above and let your ego melt.
I have a story, come with me; I promise it is true,
I was a star, and how you ask?  Just meet me at the bar...

Life was good, it was, and success was riding me high,
People hung on my every whim; I drove a bright red car.
Life was good it was, with all the money I make,
And why do people love me so?  Well, they don’t know I am a fake.

           CHORUS:
           So, you wanna be a star, said the ego to the self,
           Wait before you rise above and let your ego melt.

So, off you go, with bat and mitt, I see through your empty eyes
When your ego rules the show, I promise, you’ll go down slow.
Success is as good as any drug, beware, it's nice to be high,
But when you're up without a ground, you're deaf to warning sounds.

           CHORUS

You won’t be anything unless you’re rich,
You won’t be loved without a really tight ass,
You won’t have friends if you don’t drive very fast,
You won’t rise above without kissing some ass.

           CHORUS

This story comes from truth, and now I am sad and old,
I let my ego rise above, and yes, my soul was sold.
I am a star and in my car, I laugh at the money I made,
But I cry my empty eyes to sleep, cuz I know I'm a fake.

Maybe one day, soon I hope, I will save a soul or two
But now I speak the truth for me and hope not the truth for you...

~Jenn

                

You make me wanna puke

I am laughing with the title of my blog, but I was looking over some old poems and this title made me laugh.  It brings me back about 5 years to a relationship that was always on and off, he was controlling and couldn't communicate and when he got mad he ignored me and when I got mad I kept quiet because I was afraid to say how I felt because I felt horrible !  Of course, I was perfect and didn't deserve any of the negativity:)  Anyway, I think I will post it to one, pat myself on the back for overcoming my youth and immaturity, and two, it reminds me to say what I feel and not be afraid !  Still I question if I would actually say these words...
        
           'You Make Me Wanna Puke'...


What’s so great about life if you’re unhappy
What’s so great about death if you haven’t lived
What’s so great about you if you’re unhappy
What’s so great about you if you make me want to puke?
Oops, I think I’m angry, I said something mean
Oops, there I go, forgive my words that hold
        No love, no concern for your feelings, your pride
        I didn’t mean to hurt you so, forgive me forgive me
Just let it go.

Where were you when the office said you left?
What was the point of telling me to piss off
Do you think I can just go about my day
Not caring what my man does when he’s away?
Oops, I think I am hurt, I said something bad
Oops, there I go, forgive me when I’m torn
I forgive you, but could you say these two things?
I’m sorry to hurt you so, forgive me forgive me
       Just let it go

This pattern makes me feel I am in a boxing match
I forgive you, then you forgive me, then back in the ring we go
I don’t know how to hold my tongue when words are swords making me want to run
You don’t know how to keep it nice, so, what’s the point, can't we forgive before another fight?

You make me want to puke, and that’s so sad
You make me want to puke and that’s the truth
You make me want to puke and I can’t remove
This feeling of regret and resentment towards you
But forgive me my love, tomorrow I’ll be a different way
Forgive me forgive me, tomorrow will be a better day
I didn’t mean to hurt you, don’t close the door
I didn’t mean to hurt you so, forgive me forgive me
Just let it go

Friendships

Recently I have been more aware of how important my friends are to me.  I have been more aware that men can come and go, family is always there, maybe sometimes annoying, but still there, and then friends, who see you at your worst and your best, who know your darkest secrets and still love you, those friends are there for good.  The good one's are least.  And sometimes friends feel more like family because you share more with them.  You open up more with friends, where sometimes family is better off not knowing EVERYTHING.  In family, sometimes it is best to have some secrets :)
But anyway, I really love my friends and I know we don't use the phrase 'soul mate' with a girlfriend, but I really feel one of my best girl friend's is my 'soul sister'.  She can be annoying at times like a sister, but she will definitely have my back in every situation.  She knows everything about me, the good, the bad, and the 'take it to the grave' events, and she is someone that understands me completely and someone I will never get sick of and trust she will never get sick of me.  A friend for life sometimes means something more than an official commitment in marriage where you are punished when things don't work out, or you just grow apart.  There are some people that even if you have moments where you grow apart, you always know this person is in your soul and will always have a special place.
So, the reason I bring this up is because I feel lucky enough to have a sister who is my best friend as well.  As a sister, she can be a bit boring and annoying, and like in any relationship, I am jealous and envious sometimes where I want to be her and not me.  She has everything I want, a great guy, 2 amazing kids, blond hair, tall and thin :)  But, as a best friend, she is one of the best friend's I will ever have and will always cherish...this deserves a song damnit :)

                    Can I be You


I wish I could walk in your shoes for a while
Wearing your sneaks and very bright smile  
I’m sick and tired of muddy brown locks
Your blond seems better, prettier to mock.

Let’s switch shoes, if just for a day
It’s not too serious, it’s only for play
I will be you, taller and sweeter,
You will be me, smaller and meeker,
And, I will be you, taller and sweeter,
You will be me, smaller and meeker…

                I know I am the bigger sis
                But I, I will send a kiss
To you, my sis, if just for a while
You let me walk in your smile.

You be me, and I will be you
I’ll buy a bigger pair of shoes
I’ll call your name to heart in hope
You always seem to help me cope

You’ve had your troubles and I’ve seen them through
And now, all grown, you’re on your own
The road seems long, but I wish to be
On your road, in your eyes to see
The road seems long, but I wish to be
On your road in your eyes to see…

CHORUS

You, younger one, are the lucky
I’ll tell you this in wisdom and truth,
Trust your beauty, blond locks and eyes
To see where you are meant to be
Trust your beauty, blond locks and eyes
To see where you are meant to be.

~Jenn

The day after...

So, it's the day after valentine's day and if I go with my theory that everyday should be a love day, I think it would be pretty exhausting.  But, having said that, the day after valentine's day is normally a good one because sometimes, it reconnects you to a deeper level with your loved one, where the day after seems special and new.  I have a deeper understanding, a deeper love that I feel today that I didn't feel yesterday.  And it makes me think that this can be developed, can be practiced, if I keep striving to stay more honest, to stay true to myself and my feelings, and in return, listen and stay open to understanding my loved one and their desires...but as I said yesterday, I love LOVE, and if I had to choose love for one day, or one moment out of a year, or one moment out of a lifetime, I would chose to love once over not loving at all...


I prefer to love you once
Then never at all

And risk the needles of loss, if only
If only I can love you once.

If all my life I mourn your loss
So be it, to love you once

I trust I’ll live enough
If only I can love you once
And all my sadness will lesson
If only I can love you once

I’ll die more pleasantly
Bury myself before my time
But one moment I will shine
If only I can love you once

Blinking love wins the game
Maybe even untamed and messy
Out of the lines, colors redefined
If only I can love you once

But I’ll be fine, if only,
If only I can love you once, baby
I’ll be fine if only
If only I can love you once

~Jenn

The day after...

So, it's the day after valentine's day and if I go with my theory that everyday should be a love day, I think it would be pretty exhausting.  But, having said that, the day after valentine's day is normally a good one because sometimes, it reconnects you to a deeper level with your loved one, where the day after seems special and new.  I have a deeper understanding, a deeper love that I feel today that I didn't feel yesterday.  And it makes me think that this can be developed, can be practiced, if I keep striving to stay more honest, to stay true to myself and my feelings, and in return, listen and stay open to understanding my loved one and their desires...but as I said yesterday, I love LOVE, and if I had to choose love for one day, or one moment out of a year, or one moment out of a lifetime, I would chose to love once over not loving at all...


I prefer to love you once
Then never at all

And risk the needles of loss, if only
If only I can love you once.

If all my life I mourn your loss
So be it, to love you once

I trust I’ll live enough
If only I can love you once
And all my sadness will lesson
If only I can love you once

I’ll die more pleasantly
Bury myself before my time
But one moment I will shine
If only I can love you once

Blinking love wins the game
Maybe even untamed and messy
Out of the lines, colors redefined
If only I can love you once

But I’ll be fine, if only,
If only I can love you once, baby
I’ll be fine if only
If only I can love you once

~Jenn

Happy Valentine's day

Love.  Happy 'love' day.  I love love.  It's such a great drug, no?
And it hasn't always been that way.  I was different in the past.  When I didn't have a boyfriend or a 'boy' to plan a special dinner, I was depressed.  I felt lonely and like a failure and there was something wrong with me.  I would even go deeper and think, how can I be such a failure in relationships, I must be such a loser and I should just call it quits now...Thank god I matured...I did!  Or, I evolved to some degree where I love Valentine's day no matter what boy or no boy is in my life to bring me flowers and take me to dinner.  I love celebrating LOVE, and realizing that love can come from so many different areas in my life, and I can GIVE love to some many people in my life.  I like rejoicing in all that love can be, and all that love has been in my life.  All that love was in my past, all that love can be in my future, and all that love is now...Thank you LOVE :)
                  
Dear Love,

Sometimes you kill me, you do.
When you tempt me with moments that make my heart flutter
When the kiss won't stop kissing
When the eyes pierce my soul with connection
When every flower becomes a diamond.

You kill me when you take that dreaded vacation,
That hiatus or winter break.
When you leave out of boredom or failing communication
Or maybe you leave to teach me something
Or maybe I leave out of fear of you rejecting me.
But I am here to say on Valentine's day,
Here to tell you what I should say every day,
That I like you more when you are around,
And I promise to appreciate you more
The next time you stop by my door.
And I promise to learn and apply
The feelings from before I let pass me by.
And now I know from before,
All the flowers I ignored,
And, well, never mind I won't be shy,
Just say 'hi', I'm just sayin 'hi'...

~Jenn

Creatures

So I go to this Hollywood event last night, a producer was getting a star on Hollywood blvd.  It seemed like a burial ground to me instead of a medal or something.  I mean, it is like a tombstone, but a star, and it is being cemented in the ground for everyone on hollywood blvd to walk on, or throw up on, or spit their gum out on...I mean, I would rather have a name mounted on a wall or even just highlighted in a paper than in the ground...but, that's just me I guess :)

There were a bunch of characters that showed up to the event, old Hollywood retired producers, young woman attached to an arm looking pretty, old woman with a lot of botox, executives in suits probably looking for their next project, and I guess most of the people their were friends of the producer who was getting the star and they all came to support.  I was one of those people.  But man oh man, people sometimes seem like 'creatures' instead of human beings to me...

                  Creatures

Some are like machines,

Brittle and stiff with pride,

Silver-lined coats.

Others are rubber-like dolls

Waving in the wind,

Harmonizing with air.

More of us are mannequins,

Thin and pretty without a clue

To the makings that brew.

Some search in books,

Cover to cover, information

Locking in a never-changing brain.

Others look to trees,

The flowers and bees buzzing

With wisdom and truth.

All are people, humans alike

Some who fight

Some with flight.

All are people, aging together

Some with dread

Some gracefully ahead.

All are people, struggling to survive

        If some people say you got far

        In Hollywood, then, you might just get a star.

~Jenn

TGIF...I think??

It's friday and I am in sort of a weird mood.  Not good, not bad, just weird.  Lack of sleep mixed with a highly anticipated family weekend coming up and a knowingness that I will have a lot of  'mom' duties is leaving me feeling a little off my game and a little grounded in INSANITY...

                       Grounded in Insanity


Well, today, yes today, I don’t know what day it is
And today, yes today, I am not sure what time it is
But today, yes, today, I don’t care what job it is
Today, yes today, I am grounded in my insanity.

I am sure I am alive and I am sure of you before me
And that is all that matters today, right now, yes right now
That today you are here, and I am alive in your arms
Hold me today, and be grounded in my insanity.

Well, today, yes today, I can count how many stars are out
And today, yes today, I can see the flowers blooming in front
But today, yes today, I have no idea what month it is
Because today, yes today, I am grounded in my insanity.

Grounded in insanity keeps me on my toes
Even though I might not know where it goes
I am okay with the fact that next minute could blow
Because I am grounded with you in this insanity.

Hold me tight so I won't run to a safe hiding place
Hold me close, I may say things quiet strange...

Stop, look around, take charge and beware
This road goes so far and maybe ends near
Listen, be quiet, hear without vanity
Then move to where it beckons, insanity.

Insanity, insanity, crazy insanity
Love it, be it, call it insanity
Awesome and unlike anything I've felt
Insanity, insanity, I'm living insanity.

~Jenn

Caviar

Yum, yum, yum.  YUM.  I like caviar.  I do.  I know it is an acquired taste, but man oh man, I have acquired it.  And I am talking about it because I had it last night.  I am grateful.  I mean, really.  It is a wednesday night, out to a regular dinner, and I feel like ordering caviar.  Done.  How many restaurants actually have caviar anyway where it is worth eating?  I am so lucky to be able to get, and so lucky to be able to appreciate it with my loved one who actually loves to feed me caviar.  How lucky am I?
And then I think about all the times I complain about the weather, about not sleeping, about traffic, about pimples, about being short, about not knowing where my life is taking me...and it makes me upset to waste so much time thinking about what I do not like and spending so little time thinking about the things that are so great in my life.  So, there, today will be my grateful day.
Today I don't care that I have so many errands to run, that I have to babysit for 3 annoying kids, that I have to work late.  I don't care because you know what?  It's a beautiful day outside.  And I actually got a good night sleep.  And I can write to whomever I want and blog about anything.  I can eat caviar again if I want :)  I am free, well sort of, but I am free and that makes me grateful.  What if I lived in Egypt right now?  What if I was sick and couldn't get out of bed?  What if I didn't have any friends to talk to or count on?  What if I had no job and couldn't support myself?  What if I had nothing to look forward to, or nothing to appreciate?
So I am grateful...I used to hate happy or grateful people, I really did.  I came from NYC and grew up with a dad saying if I had 3 good days out of the year, it was a good year.  I thought happy people were stupid and smart people were cool and depressed.  But I think I was wrong.  I have been down and out, depressed and hopeless, and also have been happy where I felt I was walking on clouds. I have a different opinion of it all now.
I think it is hard to be happy these days.  I think the happier one is, the smarter you need to be.  Or maybe the stronger.  But either way, I have to say, when I feel grateful, I feel happier, and as hard as it is for me to admit, and as weird as it may sound, I think I might like being happier than sad...at least I am trying happiness out for now...thank you caviar :)

~Jenn

Wednesday

Wow. I am really embarassed, but it took me about 5 minutes trying to figure out the correct spelling of Wednesday...I haven't written that word in a while, I mean who actually writes wednesday a lot, so as I was writing it, it kept looking weird, or didn't seem accurate, and, well, enough said.  Spell check rules !!!
Another word I always had trouble spelling was 'weird.'  I think up until last year, I spelled it 'wierd'.  Doesn't that look right?  It seemed and looked right to me, like it was such an easy word to spell...when I learned how wrong I was, how 'wierd' is actually, 'weird', I thought it was such a weird spelling!  But, now I know, and it will never, ever, appear as 'wierd', when it should be 'weird'.  (no comments please:))
Soooooo...my horoscope today was pretty deep.  It was!!  It said 'I have reached a time of transition, so think about what you want to keep and what you want to leave in the past...spend time thinking about what you want the future to look like, because it's within your power!'
Huh, I thought.  That is a pretty good horoscope to get on a regular wednesday, don't you think?  'Transition', I am all for transition and change, especially when I am in control of it all!  And I am definitely not one to obsess or really put a lot of thought into horoscopes, but when they are THAT good, why not???
So, I started to think...what would I like to give up or leave in the past to facilitate a better future?  So, I thought I would like to give up anxiety...anxiety about not being a good person, not being able to provide for myself, not being able to do everything in life I would like to do.  I would like to give up this apartment I live in right now.  I love the area, but the apt doesn't get enough light to keep me happy, and it is noisy in the morning where I feel like I am back in NYC again.  Not good!  I would like to give up xanax :)  but maybe that will be easy once the anxiety leaves the mindset.
So, what I would like to keep?  My hope, my drive, my passion for life and my desire to want to create and express and make people happy. I would like to keep my friends and family, except for one person :)...There IS one person in my life that I would love to keep, I'd love to bring around for my whole entire life, but I am not sure that will be good for me.  Ever have that person?  The person can be so good and yet so bad at the same time.  Mom can be so good and yet so bad at the same time.  But I'll keep her.  Sis, bro, dad, it's all the same.  They come with me.  But I have one love in my life that is so good, yet so bad, so let's get rid of this person for the future.  or let's just talk about it for now :).  Let's keep health and happiness, let's get rid of pain and sickness, let's keep the blog, let's keep the music classes, the singing, the tennis lessons and the yoga, let's get rid of the sleepless nights, and the people that annoy me.  Let's keep girls night and let's get rid of the fighting and bitchiness...let's get rid of pms for once and for all :)  And the most important thing I would want to keep forever and ever and ever?  Love, and the ability to love and forgive no matter what happens.  Love, connection, openness, passion...I want that.  I guess if I have learned OVER THE YEARS what works and what doesn't, then the future can be as great as the past has been painful, no?

         Over The Years

If I choose right today
I’d say I love you more
I’d give you bigger hugs
I’d forgive without a grudge

If I knew back then
I’d give you more kisses
I’d say I was sorry
I’d forgive without a second thought

Over the years I’ve seen what anger does to me
Over the years I’ve known how resentment blinds me
Over the years I’ve seen what I don’t want to see anymore

Forgiveness is not forgetting
Forgiveness is only accepting
Broken fences need mending
Openness means bending

Over the years I have seen
Over the years I have known
What love is, what IS love.

Love is accepting
Love is believing
Love is confessing your darkest demons.
Love is blinding
Love is uplifting
Love is surrending to the brightest moon.
Love is conflicting
Love is commiting
Love is surrounding all that you are.
Love is desire
Love is incomplete
Love is accepting what is best for the other.

Love is love, that’s what love is.

~Jenn
 

          

What if

The 'what if' game, ever play?  I like thinking about situations that don't exist, maybe COULD HAVE existed, maybe, hopefully, will NEVER exist, and then seeing what happens...here, lets play...
What if I were able to blog yesterday?  If I were able to blog yesterday, if I had the time to sit at my computer which I normally do and reflect and think and create instead of having to run around all day teaching yoga and going to class and doing errands and helping friends, then maybe, just maybe, I would have had 10 more followers, maybe even more, and one of them would be the one to want to write songs with me...
What if I didn't eat so much asparagus last night for dinner?  Then maybe, just maybe, my pee wouldn't smell so grody...
What if I were born in Oklahoma and not NYC?  I wonder if I would be married with 5 kids by now and watching Desperate Housewives every sunday...(now I just watch it if I am home sunday night :))
What if I wasn't a gymnast growing up where I left home at 14 to train for the Olympics?  What if I stayed in the city to grow up without the discipline and rules gymnasts had to follow?  Then maybe, just maybe, I would have become one of those NYC kids that start drinking after school to be rebellious and then maybe I would have made a bad choice in getting in a car with a girl that was drunk and maybe we would have been in an accident and maybe I would have died...
What if I married my first boyfriend in college?  Then maybe, just maybe, I would be a single mom with 3 kids and living with my parents...
What if I wasn't so sensitive?  Then maybe, just maybe I would have more guts to follow my heart and instincts and just NO to some people ...
What if my father was Bono?  Then maybe, just maybe, I would not want to follow a music career at all and not have ONE playing on every mix CD I have...
What if I didn't almost die when I was born?  Then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't think about death so much...

                Living On The Brink


I woke up one morning, not sure where I was
Turned on the telly and saw where I was
My car was in the water, people all around
I was up above, looking at the ground.
Am I dead I thought, could this be the end?
I don’t feel a thing, but I see beginning to end.
The people, they are crying, brings tears to my eyes
My friends and family hugging, my boyfriend covering his eyes.
I thought that I would help if I drove my car away
I didn’t see the oil when I chose to speed away.
I remember as I spun, my thoughts and memory
I saw that life was beautiful, and what I was giving away.
I don’t think I felt much pain in the end
But I still find it strange that I am here at the end
I don’t feel much of anything, not what I felt down there
Maybe that is why when we die there's nothing there.
What happens now, am I really dead, oh my,
I kind of feel like crying, but I have no teary eyes.
Oh my god, my life, my family and friends live on
Without me they will go, singing the familiar songs.
Oh my god again, this is really the path I took
I wonder if it’s true, another life to forward look.
I don’t know how to say I am dead and still breathing
I feel so simple in the same way I am still thinking.
But this is really it, this must be my soul just immersing
From all it’s been through so far, and what it is dispersing
Oh my god, my soul, thank you for it’s life,
But what am I right now, when is the end of this flight?
Oh my god, are you there, or am I still in thought
I have no idea what next, but I think I will let go of thought.
My family and friends, 'Farewell', maybe you can hear
I wish I told you then, how much you are all held dear.
What I would do now if I could go back to earth
And turn back the car that found it’s way into the dirt.
Well, I guess there is no choice, but to watch and maybe pray
I pray for those on earth, that they find happiness today
For tomorrow will be next, and who knows where your car
Will maybe find it’s way into the same type of bay
So forget about the sorrow, unless it’s to remind
Of all the joy and giving that's potentially in your mind.
I love you all again, but I am moving on from here
Please do me one small favor, and don’t cry another tear.
I am ok, I am, and you will be the same
Just live and love your best, do not try to tame.
I will see you too soon I am sure, so try not to think
I regret I feared this place, I didn’t live on the brink.
Those will be my last words I pass on for you to think
But do not think anymore, just live as if you’re on the brink.
I’m dead, so listen, I know more than you think
Please don’t think anymore and live as if you’re on the brink.
Don’t fear death, it’s not as bad as you think
But please don’t think anymore and live on the brink.
Forget me now and live, as death is on the brink
Forget me now and live, as death is on the brink.

~Jenn
I'm OK :)

lesson learned

Dear Jenn, here is some advice from a lesson learned...do NOT go out with guys who have on again, off again, girlfriend's.  No matter how much you think you like them, no matter how much you think they like you, no matter how much you think everything will work out...I am here to tell you, it won't!
C'mon jenn...I mean, REALLY?  Is it that hard to understand that there might be some baggage the guy is unwilling to drop for you?  He might have some good days with you, some days he hates his ex and is all there for you, but what happens when those days pass and he sees his ex and his ex wants you to the the ex and , well, then what?  You think the guy will always pick you?  Noooooooooooo, WROOOOOOONNNNGGG.  He won't.  He might at times, but he won't at times, and for that he doesn't deserve your time.  Go find a guy that doesn't have an ex, that doesn't have so much crap to deal with, that doesn't have drama and a smirk that will make you crazy.  Don't go there, the devil is there, the devil will bring you down, just say NOOOOOOOOOOO...ok?  I'm just sayin for future...I sometimes wonder if love is more painful than joyous at the end of it all...

  
                             The Devil Is Inside

The devil is inside, it is underneath, The devil is beneath all that dreams.

Once in a while
Once in a smile
A wink is a destined heartbreak
And will become my past I wish to erase.
With a wink, all can flutter away
From your eye to my heart,
Silence in the dark is
A plan from the gods to help me learn
What my soul knows.
And what I know is erased when that wink,
you’re such a flirt,
Takes me from my past, and into your mess.
I know what I know, but I’ll forget my sense
For once in this moment, I’ll let myself be
In bliss and ignorance like when I was born.
I’ll forget what I know in hopes
that I won’t grow
And the pain that I know, deep down,
will come.
It’s too hard to say no to you and your smirk
and what will be.
Pain I am used to,
And more lessons to come
That will say what I should have done.
The lesson, I think, for me in this life
Is to be able to walk away from something
not good.
And what about you,
What have you learned?
Never in school would I have come to conclude
That life is with one, and not two.
The math that I need only computes
I rather be WITH, than without a love,
I rather be a group, than one and above.
However old I get to be,
When death will overtake me
I will know I loved the rock and roll
I will know I loved your look, and man,
your smell
And then I’ll remember right before I go
That wink of yours that I knew too well.
And god will kill you too and your descend
will accompany me
And if I had to choose you or heaven,
it would be that wink
And once again, my mistake would lead me to hell
Cuz I know the power,
And the yearning wins over pride
And you and I would walk, hand in hand,
And to hell we would go,
And I would once again know
My soul would yell, my instinct would scream
And I would ignore it all because
YOU, are more important...
Me, I ignore.

~Jenn
ps...wishing happy thoughts, happy times on super bowl sunday :)

tick tock

Tic tock tic tock tic tock tic tock...stop the clock, stop the clock, I want to be free of the clock, tic tock tic tock...



Freedom

A tree in the wind
Simple and free
Firm in its roots
Bellowing naturally.
I wish to stand
Like thee on my lawn
And untwist my trunk
To stand just as strong.
Planted with precision
Cared for and watered,
My roots need tending
For my leaves mending.
Oh, why is it hard
To keep our chin up?
This tree seems so simple,
Away from the muck.
Stay focused and believe,
Let’s look to this tree
For our lesson in nature,
For us to be free.

Tic tock tic tock tic tock tic tock tic tock tic tock...

~Jenn

I wanna be perfect...NOT

I don't know why I can't sleep.  I am freakin tired, and I just lie there wondering when is it gonna happen?  And then I switch positions to see if it's the position I need to change.  And then I wait to see if that does anything....and it doesn't help...and then I don't get it.  I just don't get the unnaturalness about being tired and not falling asleep?!?!?!?!

Anyway, moving on, I think I have an issue.  Well, that's not true.  I KNOW I have an issue.  And it keeps coming up with every new activity I do.  So, I just started photography class.  I have had 2 classes so far and after the second class, I realized I do not know how to take a picture.  Sure, I can set my camera to automatic, but that is a major NO NO.  We are learning how to light and how to determine the shutter speed and the ISO sensitivity and the aperture and the lighting and and and...So, since the second class, I have not yet been able to pick up my camera for fear of not knowing what to do!  This is a freaking class that I wanted to take, and now I am realizing I can't take a 'perfect' picture, so why bother even trying?  Whatever...
I don't like this about myself.  I mean, I really do believe human beings in general are not perfect.  I don't want us to be perfect.  We are human, it is part of our make up to NOT be perfect.  And how boring would be if everyone was perfect?  What would I learn if I actually knew everything?  And what would perfect be when it came to art?And what is perfect anyway?

So, maybe I don't wanna be perfect, but maybe I want to be liked.  I want to have someone LIKE what I do, see that I can take a good pix, see that I can write a good song, see that I can teach a good yoga class, see that I can be a good girlfriend...you get it.  But the funny thing is, well, to me it's funny, is that in my attempt to be liked, I think I sabotage myself by not trying, or by not following through, or by giving up to easily in fear of failing.  So, I am not going to do this anymore.  I am not going to be a victim of my nerdiness.  I am going to be human and take a really bad pix and show the teach all that I DON'T know!  THAT is what I am going to do.  I will practice being imperfect, or I will practice being me.  Yay, already I feel more of my humanness.  Isn't it perfect that everything is imperfect??

~Jenn

Page 7

I am in a book club.  It's called Page 7.  It's all girls.  It's very fun.

We just finished our first book, A Sun Also Rises by Hemingway.  It was definitely my kinda book, meaning it was dark and depressing and without a very happy, or definitive ending.  But, despite the dark mood and tone, what I liked most about the story, was the message that no matter how bad things are or have been, no matter what has been lost in your life or what you have had to overcome, there is still a possibility of hope, the sun will rise again and another day will come.  A new day to symbolize a chance for new choices, a chance to walk a different path,  a chance to outgrow unhealthy behaviors.  Or, the opposite, it can be another day of staying on the same path, making the same unhealthy choices that only lead to the darkness you might be in.  In a sense, the new day can dig you deeper into a hole you have dug for yourself, creating more of the same misery with every new day... seems like such a waste of days when I think about it that way.

I am speaking about Jake and Brett right now from the book.  But I definitely like thinking everyday can be a new day.  It's exciting in a way because there is hope in something new.  I started a blog, it was new, different for me to do, who knows or cares what will come of it, but I like everyday not even knowing what I am going to write about, and then somehow,  I just start typing and something new appears. And ta dah, there it is on the page.  It's new.  And who knows, today could be the best day of your life :)

                Today

Today could be the best day of my life
I feel the stars are for my taking,
The moon is for my walking.
Today could be the first day of my new life
I am walking above different clouds
I am talking with another tongue
I am dreaming with all my dreams coming true
How can I be so lucky
Not even a vacation could make me feel this good
Sun is following me and lighting my way
Oh how could I feel this good.
I want to share this feeling with the world
I want the helpless to run to my arms
I want to cradle those that fell down,
And let them know they are not alone.
I want to scream I love you for the world to hear.
Today could be that day...

~Jenn

Billy Joel

So, I love Billy Joel, I love his lyrics, his piano playing, his new stuff, his old stuff, I just love him.  Vienna is one of my favorite songs, and I love that a lot of his lyrics are so reflective of what he has gone through.  It seems most of his songs are about the woman that have failed him in some way, and no matter how many times he sings about the same thing, it always touches me in a different way.
Anyway, I am not even close to being a Billy Joel, but I do recognize that a lot of my songs seem to be about a common theme...love that I want, love that I cannot handle, or love that I have lost due to my horrible actions.  I wonder where I come up with these things :)   This is one that I dug up from the past...I read it and although I remember feeling the emotion, I am happy to say, at least right now, I have evolved and am more courageous when it comes to love :)

              I Have To Go


I love you, and that is why I have to go
What if you find out who I really am?
With all the worries and darkness I carry,
What if you find out all the trouble I am?

I love you, and this is why I have to leave
Before YOU take back your keys and
Before YOU have a chance to say good-bye.
I will do it first and save us both from trying.

This isn’t easy because I love you so,
But I have learned from the past that love is not enough
And my experiences have made me mistrust
That we could make it through if you would see me true.

So I am walking out the door.
I think it might be better to leave on a good note
Where we both can look back with love and happiness
And not with bitter regret.

Sometimes I think the memories highlight the past better
So I will always remember
How much I loved you, and you will never get to see
What would have happened to us, to me.

It is better to remember how we are right now,
How much love we have and what we have allowed.

I have to go
So you will not know
The problems we might have.
I have to leave, so please,
Let me go in peace and leave me be.
You make me feel
So good sometimes
I am not used to losing control.
So I better go
For fear of what could come,
And fear of finding out
that I might not be the one
For you.
I love you too much to see what could come of me,
And risk failing you and not loving you like I do today.
I have to go, I have to go,
I can’t wait around to see what will happen to you
And me.

~Jenn

Cartier

So, I was at Best Buy getting all the stuff I needed for my camera and photography class.  I was walking out of the store and this guy whispered in my ear, hey, I like your 'Cartier.'  I responded, "thanks," my automatic response, but then I thought about it a couple seconds afterwards and was like, 'huh, but do you like me?'
And of course, I had to think about the exchange and take it deeper.  We live in a society that treats objects and materials, on such a high pedestal.   I mean, I would love to say I bought my cartier while casually browsing and needed something to tell time with and I liked the color.  But in all truth, I received it a long time ago as a graduation present from my parents and would never even come close to being able to afford to buy myself one.  Well, I guess I could and go into debt for the next 10 years, but I am smart enough to stay away from that saga.
So, what did the comment mean?  Was he trying to say he was really cool for noticing the watch, was he trying to say I was cute and saw an 'in' with the watch, or was he wanting to start an in depth conversation about the instrument of time and discuss the very features it so beautifully displays?
Who knows, but it made me think that I am not sure I want to be identified with such a great piece.  I mean, I DO, but it just made me think :).  I think, to me, it symbolizes my graduation, my hard work at school and an acknowledgment from my parents that they were proud of me.  But to someone else, it could look and say something so differently.  Maybe it says I have expensive taste and am very high maintenance.  Maybe it says I have a trust fund that allows me to get anything I want and not have to work, or maybe it says I like the color blue.  I know I am taking this comment to an extreme, and the guy was just trying to say something nice, but he could have commented on my sweater, no?

And I'm really not one to judge.  I will admit, I like nice things, good food, big chairs on exotic flights, cashmere, cars with seat heaters, good haircuts, charmin toilet paper...but I would like to be liked without it too.  I remember a situation where I didn't feel I could be accepted unless I lied about something.  I had pretended I had no flaws in my past, and lied about an event to hopefully keep the guy liking me.  I created an image, kinda like the cartier watch image, to look better than I thought I was in his eyes.  Needless to say, he found out about the lie and left me to dry.  Not a happy ending, but a good song ! :)

http://www.box.net/shared/9t73gbti8y

Trophy For A Joker

The prize for dishonesty...anxiety
The success for my lies is insomnia
And the trophy for gossip, the price of it all, is an empty party.
That’s the trophy, trophy for a joker...


Life is a lie sometimes, only sharing what the good times are
Dealing with issues that are acceptable
Talking of mistakes with their sugarcoat on top.

Lies and loses, both tie together, in the end, it is only a mess
The downside of this place,
Is the promise of not knowing the truth.
CHORUS

I was honest in the circus, my height and weight, it seemed real
Cuz no one looked too close to see, to see that I was off.
I was wrong about you, I know, like the tip of my scale, I was off
You figured me out, you figured me out, and you called all my shots.
       CHORUS

There’s no apologies for the lies, they carry their weight and sentence
The only thing I didn’t see coming
You caught the schtick, you called my trick…

Well, I lost in the end, my pretending greatness was a joke
And me, the joker, the fake, paved way, paved way to see the snake.
       CHORUS

~Jenn