Flowers for a funeral

My friend told me the other day
without a goodbye you passed away
if only I could have seen you again
if only I could have more than
flowers for a funeral

I crossed the green grass today
looking for a place to stay
I shed a tear and tried to hide
I shed a tear moved to the side with
flowers for a funeral

my flowers for a funeral
I have so much more to say
so much more to take away
than flowers for a funeral
you mean so much more
than flowers for a funeral

I don't know how everyone copes
I am standing in some dream with hope
that you might return to me
that you might not really need
flowers for a funeral

and in the end I will toss them away
I will remember you more than this day
I wish I could have you a lil more
I wish I could give you more than
flowers for a funeral

my flowers for a funeral
I have so much more to say
so much more to take away
than flowers for a funeral
you mean so much more
than flowers for a funeral

~Jenn

let her run

the day she decides to walk away
from the place that keeps her safe
she will grow in oh so many ways
no chains could keep her in place

       so let her run, run far from here
       she's gotta run, get outta here
       to a place that she can call her own
       she's gotta run and dare find her home

she's got all the ability to let go
but she doesn't trust, doesn't know
that one day she's gonna be complete
she'll be standing on her own two feet

       so let her run, run far from here

       she's gotta run, get outta here

       to a place that she can call her own

       she's gotta run and dare find her home

she can't see what's holding her down

her heart is tied to this small town

her dreams are begging her to leave

it's on her to be brave and run free

you love her but you gotta let her go

you can't give her what she needs to grow

you're holding her back from her true life

just let her go, let her find her inner light...

        so let her run, run far from here

        she's gotta run, get outta here

       to a place that she can call her own

       she's gotta run and dare find her home

~Jenn

she's gone

never would have thought this day would come
thinking we would always have you for the long run
wishing you could have warned us in hopes we could say
our last good bye,
this is a sad day
I hope you didn't have to feel a pain or a warning
I hope you are smiling down with a wise knowing
but why didn't you warn us in hopes we could say
our last good bye
this is a sad day
I know wherever you are now, you are happy and free
and we are the ones who will deal with all the grief
but why didn't you warn us in hopes we could say
our last good bye
this is a sad day
if I could see you for one more day, one more moment
I don't know what I would say or how I would handle
but it doesn't take away the yearning that we could say
our last good bye
this is a sad day
I don't like good bye's they always make me cry
you're gone, just like that, I still feel it's a crazy lie
wishing you could have warned us in hopes we could say
our last good bye
wishing you could have told us you were going today...

this is a sad day

~Jenn

this is not a simple song

This is not a simple song...
since I'm tired, so tired, of needing
to be something more than nothing
I'm trying so hard to meditate
and be happy with my being nothing
but it's really hard to look around
and see faces that look so hard
people running their own race
putting others in their place
signs saying no, stop, go away
come, you, get out of my way
I'm so tired, so tired of this world
when nothing works together
and we're all running to or from
the place away from each other
sometimes I have nothing more to say
other times I can't stop talking this way
it's holiday time and it makes me reflect
on myself who is always guilty
of having friends I neglect
if I could do one new thing this year
if I could change my habit or action
it would be to stop all my tears
wasted on myself and not on others
I would cry for the families
that don't have the ability
to reflect or write something down
cuz they are too busy staying alive
I would cry for the children
who have never heard of santa
there are no presents to receive
they are lucky if they eat
I would stop with my whining
since I I have so many treats
and I would, will, pray and meditate
everyday in every way
on bringing in more peace...
no one needs a reason
to act in human ways ...

~Jenn

tell me what you want

tell me what you want
and I'll speak of my desire's
but sometimes I'm unsure
I might say things to please
and not really want those things...
tell me what you look for
and I'll tell you I'm sure
that I like what you want
and could see you with my wants...
sometimes I don't know
all my heart desires
it is part of my fire
a gift from you to me
but sometimes it leads
to unnecessary things
that keep me from having
all that I really need...
tell me what you want
and maybe I'll wish that too
but when it all comes true
I hope I still want you...
I know what I want
but it isn't what you think
I know I want to love
and appreciation
of who you are to me
so whatever else that brings
I can walk with or without
as long as what you want
is here with me, and you,
yes you, stay forever true
like I will be for you.

~Jenn

you have the key

What's wrong with you
just tell me the truth
there's nothing you can say
to make me run away
what's wrong with you
I feel it's rude
keeping something from me
I feel incomplete
tell me the truth
let's make it our rule
to let everything go
from head to toe
tell me the truth
I'm always here for you
and you have the key
to make me complete
you have the key
to fulfill your needs...
what's wrong with you
I feel something untrue
your words don't admit
your inner conflict
do you not trust
that I can adjust
to whatever is wrong
am I not that strong?
it's always okay
whatever you feel today
but if you keep it inside
our love will just die
and you won't get to see
who you are to me
so tell me the truth
I'm always here for you
and you have the key
to make me complete
you have the key
to fulfill your needs
you have the key
please believe
you have the key
you have the key...

~Jenn

you mean the world

when the day seems to drag and you need someone to fill
the emptiness inside all of you
give me a call and I will do whatever it takes to make you feel
you are a part of my world,
you mean the world
to me
when you can't seem to make sense of everything around you
and the loneliness is all you feel
send me a note and I will come and make sure you remember
you are a part of my world
you mean the world
to me
don't forget, never forget, you mean so much to me
always, baby, always,
I'm sorry for not letting you know I never want to let you go
If only you would know, if only you would know
you are a part of my world
that you mean the world
to me
when love seems to be the furthest thing falling from the sky
and you don't feel at home
ring my bell and I will be opening my door to let you know
you are a part of my world
that you mean the world
to me
you are a part of my world
you mean the world
to me

~Jenn

I just want to feel...

There are miles and miles of empty road ahead
not sure if I should look forward to them or dread
someday I hope we can get past our past,
       I just want to feel all our days will last

I'm running to a place I can just sit still and breath
and I'm looking at you to say you will never leave
we play a part so we don't feel any rejection
      I just want to feel some deep connection

              I'm always falling down, you come to my rescue
             do you know that keeps me running towards you
              I'd do anything to keep you and all my youth
             why does that make me feel so much guilt

The path we take are what make or break
the life we live, we're all trying to be great
I've felt it all, and with you I will always endure
      I just want to feel we'll always be secure

One day my worries will seem a waste of time
only if only you're still walking right by my side
everyday I can be a new way and have a new start
      I just want to feel closer to your heart

I want to love you more than just one night
I want to feel you forever and hold you tight
I'll never give up, I'll fight for you every time
      I just want to feel you'll always be mine

~Jenn

once again 2

once again I'm feelin somethin
I'm feeling somethin I've felt before
once again
once again it's happenin to me
I'm jumpin in, my heart's an open door
once again

once again I'm feelin something true
and it's all because, it's all because of you
and it's scary to be feeling so brand new
but it's all because it's all because of you

once again I've got a smile
every time I look into your eyes
I feel fine
once again I feel alive
I feel the hope I had when I was a child
I feel fine

once again I'm feelin something true
and it's all because, all because of you
and it's scary to be feeling so brand new
but its all because, all because of you

never thought it would come again this feeling
we've all been hurt before,
I didn't want to open the door
until you.....

all it takes is some forgiveness
to turn the page, I've something to give
once again
life's not over, even when you feel stuck
never thought I'd be moving up
once again

and I'm happiest to be feelin somethin true
and I'm happiest to be feelin somethin with you
and I can't believe I'm feeling so brand new
but once again I'm feeling somethin with you

~Jenn

you just want me

come here for a minute
I'm not asking for much
I need to find out what
you want from me
If you tell me directly
I can see my way into
the part you're seeking
from me to complete
but you stand there silent
and you take my hand
like that's all you need
and it's confusing to me...
            you seem to be happy
            and I'm not doing a thing
            how can I control you
            you don't want anything
            you just want me
            you just want me

come here for a minute
I'm not asking for much
but from your touch
I feel safe and complete
it's scary you know
what you don't know
but what do you think
sometimes I don't know
I need to know
so I can design myself
and I'm warning you
I'm scared of the truth...
          why are you happy
          I'm not doing a thing
          how can I control you
          you don't want anything
          you just want me
          you just want me

it's crazy but I knew it would happen
I waited with my leashed in passion
and here you are and I just want you
here you are and you just want me
I hope I can keep you happy...

           why are you happy
           I'm not doing a thing
           how can I control you
           you don't want anything
           you just want me
           you just want me

~jenn

hope not, but what if

You don't see what I see until I post it.  So, I am going to tell you a secret.  I have been staring at a blank page, this page, for a good 30 minutes, typing something, a few sentences, a few stories, and deleted it.  Nothing is flowing today?!  I keep deleting what I write, and you wouldn't know this unless I shared it with you, but I don't do that often!  Usually, I sit down, I start with a sentence and something just comes out of me.  I have something to say all the time.  Today I don't know why, but I have nothing to say, no major thoughts, no revelations, no freakin ideas???!!!  I'm not going to get myself scared yet, but I am just telling you that it's an off day, a blank page, nothing to say...and today, the past couple days, I have been happy...what does this day?  happiness makes you lazy?  happiness makes you stupid?  happiness makes you regular?  uh oh, what if I had to choose one or the other...what if someone asked me, if you could choose between happiness or success, meaning happiness was a normal life and success was because work as a writer and songwriter due to being a tortured artist, what would you pick?  hmmmmmmmm...
I am so used to feeling tortured and struggling, emotionally getting it out on paper, connecting my soul honestly through writing, but I have also ALWAYS wanted to be content and happy...would that make me lose everything else about me??
hope not
but what if
hope not
but what if
hope not

~Jenn

but what if?

Once again

Everyday can be
a new beginning
I believe...
One day, that's all it takes,
can set you on a new path,
where you belong,
once again,
can bring you a soul mate,
to bestow new love,
once again,
can teach you a lesson that will
lead to happiness and freedom,
once again,
I really believe this...!!!
Yesterday I wanted to die,
once again,
I lost all hope,
I wanted to give up,
once again,
and today, this afternoon
I met a guy, a real guy,
once again,
who swept me off my feet,
once again,
we shared something to eat,
once again,
it was such a surprise,
once again,
looking in his eyes
knowing I liked him, he liked me
and my mood and energy
is all brand new, complete
once again,
at least for this week
I will be a little different
once again,
and I will feel
happy being me...once again.
But it's not at all
about wanting him,
or needing him,
it's just about knowing
once again,
that in the world
new things can happen
once again,
and change up a mood
and give you some hope
for a different day...once again.
A new set of eyes
to look at
once again,
until you've had your way,
once again,
and before you run away...
once again.

~Jenn

what you don't know is killing me

What you don't know can't hurt you
but I feel the pain
I'm holding something from you
for my own gain
I know I did something wrong
It's making me insane

but this is how it will have to be
what you don't know is killing me

If I could tell you without hurting you
I would promise
to never ever do a bad thing again
I would promise
to give you everything you deserve
and no one would know

but this is how it will have to be
what you don't know is killing me

secrets last a lifetime too long
for reasons that we construct alone
but if I were to make this secret known
you would toss me from my thrown

so this is how it will have to be
what you don't know is killing me

I love the thought of transparency
but now my self destructive ways
will keep that dream from me
and with you, I'll never feel free

but this is how it will have to be
what you don't know is killing me

maybe it'd be better to be brave
but this secret is going to my grave
I can't risk the love we've built
so I will live alone with my guilt

and this is how it will have to be
what you don't know is killing me

what you don't know is saving you
what you don't know is killing me
what you don't know will always be
the wall you'll feel between you and me

but this is how it will have to be
what you don't know is killing me

~Jenn

the cutest boy I know

I don't know why I'm acting this way
what can I say
I don't have any control these days
not much to say
I'm needy of your attention
did I mention
you're the cutest boy I know

I'm not one to go only on looks
I have to say
I think your smell has got me hooked
what can I say
I'm being honest at the moment
it's the truth
you're the cutest boy I know

do you want to know my name?
maybe we can make a date?
I think you will like my family
My sister is soon to be married
do you like that I feel
you're the cutest boy I know

Look, I'm writing you a poem
if you want
I can even sing you a song
just for you
I can't keep anything inside
did I say
you're the cutest boy I know

I'm pretty cool when you know me
I've been told
I'm not a fake or a phony
most times
this is my most sincere thought
it's a fact
you're the cutest boy I know
you're the cutest boy I know

~Jenn

I feel I'm home

I get lost some of the time
when I'm lookin in your eyes
I don't know what they're telling me
but I know I don't feel lonely
because I feel I'm home
I feel I'm home

It's crazy how I don't know
so much about you right now
but I'm sitting right next to you
and I don't ever want to move
because I feel I'm home
I feel I'm home

           for the first time I feel so much
           for the first time I'm out of touch
           for the first time in such a long time
           I feel I'm home
           I feel I'm home

I want to know all about you
I feel a dream is coming true
do you feel the same as me
or is this a crazy dream
because I feel I'm home
I feel I'm home

           for the first time I feel so much
           for the first time I'm out of touch
           for the first time in such a long time
           I feel I'm home
           I feel I'm home...
...thank you

~Jenn

everyone warned me about you

when you came into my life
I wasn't gonna put up a fight
one look in your blue eyes
I never wanted to say good bye

but everyone warned me about you
yep everyone warned me about you

I don't listen much to talk
even if it's friendly bark
I do my own thing every time
follow my heart down the line

but everyone warned me about you
yep everyone warned me about you

everyone warned me about you
I never listen to outside truth
now I'm stuck feeling blue
wishing I never laid eyes on you

you took me for a ride
I ignored friends, kept my pride
I wish I never opened my heart
I wish I took the warnings to heart

cuz everyone warned me about you
yep everyone warned me about you
now I'm stuck feeling blue
I'm gonna warn everyone about you

~Jenn

who needs you anyway

I've been wandering around
always listening to you
you're telling others what to do
but it occurred to me today...

I wake up and go to work
do what I'm supposed to do
I bring it all back to you
but it occurred to me today...

I finally dawned on me
while I was happily drinking
it occurred to me today
who needs you anyway
you only bring me down,
so it occurred to me today
who needs you anyway

everyone's got stuff going on
they go home and suffer through
you don't have a family to love
and it occurred to me today...

you could disappear one day
someone might notice
but no one would care too much
so who needs you anyway

the world would go on the same
I would still laugh and play
love would find it's way
so who needs you anyway

who needs you anyway, who needs you anyway
I hate to say I hate to say
but you only bring me down
so who needs you anyway, who needs you anyway

it occurred to me to say
it occurred to me today
it occurred to me to say
who needs you anyway
who needs you anyway

~Jenn

TRYING is for whimps

SINGING is completely different than WRITING is completely different than ACTING is completely different than PLAYING is completely different than WATCHING is completely different than TEACHING is completely different than BEING...BUT, it's all about LIVING for me, how I want to live, how I am trying to live, and no matter what action I am taking, I am living.  Trying to live and actually living are 2 different things, but I don't think you can try to live, you just ARE living.
I can try to sing, but I guess I am actually singing by trying to do it.  I can try to loose weight without actually loosing it I guess, I can try to make it in the music business without actually making it, I can try to have a healthy loving honest relationship without actually having one, I can try to have a baby without having one, but I can't try to live, I have to do it plain and simple.
Where is all of this coming from?  I guess I am trying to decide, hah, I guess I will decide and not try, what the difference is between doing something and trying to do something.  Maybe I don't even care what the difference is, but in the act of trying, you are giving yourself a way out, you are setting yourself up for failure, because you can try your whole life to do something that might never get done.  But, by doing something, you are doing something that you are committing to and can't make excuses about it because you are DOING it, not just TRYING to do it...so, in my mind, this is a commitment kind of thing, a choice, a step onto a path that might be a good or bad step, but it is a choice to go somewhere and not just talk about going somewhere...I'm trying to go somewhere...SEE?  I need to just fuckin go somewhere, DO something that I keep talking about, and then I won't be TRYING to live my freakin life anymore, I might actually LIVE a life worth talking about :)  The scary thing is that I might DO something and fail...fail to accomplish what I am doing...that's what I need to get used to maybe.  I will fail, I will not cave in by failing, I will stay positive in my failures, and maybe, just maybe, with all my failures, if I stay focused with my chin up, that will be a success it itself...???
Trying is for whimps...I will figure out a song for this at some point...

~Jenn
(yes, you're right, this post is most likely not easily understood...my apologies...it's sunday, and I had a late night DOING something last night ;))

the only thing you do is bring me down

You looked me in the face and said
I heard you say
I love you baby, you're the one for me

that's what you said, did I get you wrong?
cuz the only thing you do is bring me down

I heard you tell that girl
I heard you say
forget about about her, you're the one for me

that's what you said, did I get you wrong?
now the only thing you do is bring me down

I'm not a fool ya know, maybe a fool for believing
you could be the one, be a nicer one
boy was a wrong, I was turned all around

cuz the only thing you do is bring me down
the only thing you do is bring me down

can't make amends, can't change the trend
I'm stuck liking you yet I can't look at you
don't talk to me, you're just a creep

that's what I'm saying so don't get me wrong
the only thing you do is bring me down
the only thing you do is bring me down

~Jenn

Oh well, oh well, oh well

I might be a product of an afterlife I can't recall
a living mess of flesh that's been here for a while
I feel I've been wandering in and out of lives
looking for answers and never getting it right
I might be a product of lesson I was taught
a long time ago when I was a man or maybe a dog
I feel like I've kept some advice close to heart
trying to teach others and trying to live right
but I'm not cutting it all the time
I'm faltering and falling most times
meeting people that waste my time
loving souls that end up hurting mine...
oh well, I say, oh well
I'm no one and everyone,
oh well, oh well, oh well
nothing and everything might matter one day
but we're all here and no one cares so
oh well, oh well, oh well
caring selfish souls running dreaming screaming
love me, hate me, get away from my face
I'm me, who am I, I don't want to die, help me
doesn't matter, be careful what you say,
words mean nothing, don't speak unless you have something to say
oh well, oh well, oh well
oh well, oh well, oh well
I might be a product of an afterlife I can't recall
but, oh well, oh well, it doesn't matter after all

~Jenn

thanks

thanks to my health, I am able to walk with my chin up
thanks to my family, I am able to live amongst a group
thanks to my friends, I will always have a hand
thanks to my soul, I have strength to give back
thanks to my world, I can be free
happy thanksgiving to you, to me
happy thanksgiving, wishing you all peace
and turkey and everything that's yummy...

~Jenn

on my way to feed the homeless...never have done this before, felt the need to be a better person than usual :)

I wanna fall in love with you

I wanna fall in love with you
I do I do I do
but only if you want me too
do you do you do you?
will you be true
will I fall for you
will you treat me
like you say you will
will you fall for me
will we have 2 or 3
what is this feeling
taking over me...
I wanna fall in love with you
I do I do I do
but don't let me fall for you
if you can't handle being true
if you don't think you'll fall for me
if you don't want to love me...
but am I making myself clear
do you see do you hear
what I am telling you, do you
I wanna fall in love with you
I do I do I do
but only if you want me too
say you do, dammit, say you do...
I just want you to, I do.

~Jenn

right now I'll never know

Some things I will never know
right now
because I'm on another road...

I don't think you can surprise me
but I do think you hypnotize me
and it's a definite high you give me
when you look me in the eyes
and you know what and how I see
and I can't lie, I can't lie
even if I don't know what to say or how to be
it's you I want right next to me
and you freakin know
I can never hide my smile
I don't know how you do it at times
but I will say you do it everytime
a touch, a look, I know who you are
it hits my heart, you are my star
I want to hide and run away from you
but you catch me when I want to
and you pull me back without a fight
and I can't say no, I can't resist,
doing the right thing is my life long test
and caving in is my truest regret
because I know I'm not at my best...
but am I my happiest?
right now I'll never know I guess...

~Jenn

distance

when I don't know what to do
distance
when I want to know how I feel
distance
when I need recovery from you
distance...

but your not supposed to need it too
so now what am I supposed to do?

don't come to my door today
I'm not ready to open it to you
My heart is still resistant
it's me and my friend, distance

I need more time to think
I need more time to drink
my feelings have not been consistent
so I need my friend, distance

okay, I'm ready and now your telling me
you need your space, you need space?
it wasn't supposed to be this way
you are changing the game we play

if you want me to wait around
don't you think time will tell
I thought you'd be the one to stand still
pick up the phone I'm calling you!

fine, be that way, I'll chill
I'll chill out waiting for you
but distance was MY call, MY friend
so don't think I won't visit again

distance go away now
distance is hurting me now
distance doesn't resolve
everything between us now

-jenn

I'll always be there for you

If you touch one person,
you open a whole city
if you help a journey find it's purpose,
you are helping the whole universe
if you reach out and help me through
I'll never turn my back on you
I'll always be there for you

If I can be of service
it doesn't matter how many know
if you can spread the word
you will be servicing the world
if you reach and and help me through
I'll never turn my back on you
I'll always be there for you

I need some help right now
it's hard to say that out loud
I don't know where to go
I know you don't know me well
I hate that I need to ask
but I'm drowning with every task
I need some help right now
I need some help right now

I want to help every face I see
turn a frown in to a happy soul
but I never thought I would be in need
I never wanted to accept others treats
but, if you reach out and help me through
I'll never turn my back on you
I'll always be there for you

~Jenn

just one more day

On my way to rehab
we all have to get better at some point
it's about taking the responsibility
of actions that have inflicted pain
it's about taking the time to look
at the darkness you overlooked
it's the saving grace we all have
to choose a much better path...
(but just give me one more day)
On my way to rehab
wonder who I will have to meet
who will be begging me for secrets
I want to go home and hide
I want to do this another time
I'm scared of what I might become
what happens when I come undone
how will I look at myself and go on...
(I just need one more day)
On my way to rehab
I've hurt everyone with my lies
why would anyone stay by my side
I can't do this alone, but I'm totally alone
unless I can have one more day
before this rehab thing takes place
just one more day
just to say good bye, to have closure
that's all I need, then I'll be free
to go about everything else in front of me
one more day, just one more day...
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

~Jenn (don't worry, I like pretending :))

finish what you start

Finish what you start, but make sure you know what you are starting...!!!
With that said, I think I try and start to many things without thinking it through.  And everything I start develops and gets to a certain place and then, oh oh, I want to start something else ...but different days, different outlooks, a different me, finish what you start and that's gonna be my phrase.  I start a yoga class, I am going to finish it, not leave early, not come in late, I will be there the whole time.  Start a career, I am not gonna run away from a little down time, I will keep plugging away and get to another place.  And a relationship, well, that's a whole different story, but I don't think I will try and start something unless I feel I want to finish it.  Starting things seems to be not so hard for me, maybe even a challenge that I want to give myself, to see if I can start something, but I usually can for some reason, it's the finishing part I find myself struggling with...eeehhhh, why I am always struggling for something?  How about enjoying what I have, loving every moment, not struggling in every moment...how about not asking so many freakin questions and just living for awhile?  How about that? ANYWAY, I have a show tomorrow night, should be a good one, a fun one, so as of today and tomorrow, I will be struggling for that outcome :)

~Jenn

Her way

What does she do
when she doesn't know what to do
and one road is calling her name
but the one she's on feels more safe

what does she pick
when one road is paved with brick
the other is made of stone
and she doesn't want to walk it alone

tell her to go, she wants to know, tell her to gooooo...
the right way, and the good way, to find her way, gotta find her way

speak what you will
cuz she'll listen to you
tell her you know how she feels
make sure she knows your for real

don't lie to her
cuz she'll believe your words
tell her to trust her insides
you know she's gonna tell you good bye

then tell her to go, she needs to know, I tell her to gooo....
the right way, and the good way, to find her way, gotta find her way

I know this girl well
I see her everyday
I know her every move
and I feel her inner pain

so I'm telling you
it's okay let her run from you
I know she'll be okay
every step of the way

so I'm telling her go, she needs to know, tellin her to go...
find her right way, to find her way, her good way, to find her way
she's gotta find her way, let her find her way, gotta find her way

L.A. Day

It's cold out today for an LA day
just like the people who come out this way
what do you do, why are you here
who do you know, I saw Cruise over there

Everyone's an actor, I hate to say
or a producer, or writer working on a play
what do you do, why are you here
I'm sorry but you're not good enough dear

The sun's coming out, it's a boring day
just like the people who come out this way
I want to look younger, I need to look better
what's the secret of how to live forever

Going back home for the holiday
have to spend some time with the family
they don't get me anymore, tell me to get a man
I have dreams to be big, they just don't understand

Everyone's happy here in la la land
I'm feeling alone, I'm missing a loving hand
if I give up now, my friends at home will see
that I am not special like I wanted to be

Years pass but LA is still the same
gotta go find a script and hustle today
what do you do, why are you here
I envy your passion, I lost it somewhere

It's cold out today for an LA day
gonna stay in, I can't motivate today
who do you know, why are you here
what do you do...I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE

~Jenn

when are you coming home

I'm sitting by the window
there's a moonlight glow
into my empty house, my empty home
when are you coming home

Every night sleeping alone
my bed too big, my sheets cold
sometimes I don't even want to come home
when are you coming home

The phone rings but it's not you
every knock makes my heart wish it you
waiting to hear your footsteps on the floor
when are you coming home

I can't eat or drink anymore
I don't remember how to smile
sometimes all I do is walk miles and miles
when are you coming home

I don't know where to go
if I don't have you to hold
and I'm scared to feel this alone
when are you coming home...

~Jenn

In the long run...

I don't know where I'm going
but all that I am today
has everything to do with where've I've been
how I spent my yesterday's...
and the things I've heard
the person I am with you
has everything to do with what I've seen
what I've said, what you've done...
But in the long run,
does anyone really know what's next,
who will you see, who will I be,
where are you going the day after today,
are you running way or are you staying okay
in the long run, in the long run...

I'm feeling a fire I haven't felt in a while
I'm feeling a passion burning inside
a new day is coming, a new me, a new smile
everything I dreamed might be coming true
and you can't ignore it, you know it too...
But in the long run,
does anyone really know what's next
does anyone know the next steps
I don't know where I'll be tomorrow
if I'll smile or want to hide for a while...
But in the long run
I'm going to grow and all that I become
in the long run
will be good for you and everyone
in the long run
and you just might be better than you think
in the long run
I just might be okay
in the long run.

~Jenn

I didn't see it coming

I didn't see it coming,
behind every smile,
how was to know ?
were you thinking
or were you planning
or were you waiting
for me to say
stay , or go away?
I don't even think
I know you anymore
it's so easy for you to hide
behind those dark eyes
speak what you want
don't tell me what I want
give me something to mend
so it doesn't have to end.
I don't care what you say
l know you're afraid
but say it today,
I'm not going away...
Wow, I didn't see it coming
that you could be THAT way
the person who would write a note
never looking for a 'maybe'
or a chance to make things right
you gave up without a fight
and I didn't see it coming.
How could I be so naive
you, I wanted to believe
would never say goodbye
you beat me to the finish line
I wish I could have been first
but I hate being the 'bad' one
so now I can feel the 'hurt' one
and write another sad song
and pray that someone else comes along...

I didn't see it coming
last night when I was crying
I couldn't look you in the eye
but you just sat by my side
I don't even know your name
but I like you just the same
I didn't see it coming
my heart's open again.

~Jenn

Dear older ME...

Dear me,
older me,
what's up?
are you happy finally?
did you get rid of what's his name
and make a cute baby?

I had a dream about you last night
I saw you smile and sleeping tight
remember the days when you cried
I am sorry I couldn't dry your eyes

I want to tell you I'm doing my best
sometimes I can't wait to be you
and be rid of all this mess...

Life is trying to test me (you) right now
if you think back, you might be mad at me
for not choosing wisely or appropriately,
but can't you see where you are right now
would not be the case if I (you) didn't somehow
fall down, fall out, and then search for a life vest
and struggle with fear that I wouldn't pass the test?

Anyway, any who, I am so happy for you,
you made it through, you made it through,
or at least I'm thinking that's true,
or at least I'm praying you did, you do,
cuz I'm here, 10 years younger, wondering, hoping,
the ME now is a different YOU...

~Jenn (anyway get this one ?:))

Recovery

Recovery is the hardest thing to do...
been down and out so many times
the feeling is tolerable, doable, you can deal
but making a turn to the better place, getting OUT from the bottom
is hard to do, almost impossible...recovery...
what doesn't break you makes you stronger
and every failure is another lesson learned
and time heals all wounds and everything passes,
BUT, it's hard to get OUT from the bottom and into recovery...
Change is good, from bottom to top, but
I'm stuck however, it happens to all of us...
I don't like being stuck for more than a week,
and time is passing so fast, everyday I feel weak,
it's getting me worried and I know for sure
I don't like being on the bottom anymore.
The bottom is sad and dark and deep
the bottom is an end, without possibilty
the bottom encompasses every moment of every day
the bottom makes me tired, I don't ever want to play
the bottom is hard, it's lonely, and it's real
the bottom makes it impossible to NOT deal
the bottom hurts and the bottom doesn't change
I have to get out of here, my soul needs to change
I have to get out and get some life, some air...
If I stay here any longer, I will see life as unfair,
if I stay here any longer, I will lose ability to care,
if I stay here any longer, I will completely disappear,
so it's time to recover and get the f!!##$! out of here.

~Jenn

I got nothin :(

I'm staring at the computer screen, this is a first, this is a first
I can't think of anything to say, really, I can't
I wrote a sentence down and tried to say something witty
but I had to erase it and accept this situation
I have nothing, nothing, nothing today
I feel awake I feel clear I feel alive and well
I feel like I should have something brilliant today, but hey, hey
it's just my typing to say I have shit today
maybe I just need another cup of coffee, what do you say
okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay
it's monday today, awesome, a new week to celebrate
I made it through another weekend
I'm done, done for today...

~Jenn :(

my quotes for the day...

"when you have nothing to say, don't say anything "...jenn

"time will heal your greatest wounds...or it won't "...jenn

"you're only as good as your recovery from your last mistake "...jenn

"only stupid people think they're smart "...jenn

"if you can't laugh at yourself, more people will laugh behind your back "...jenn

"love is free, so feel free to give "...jenn

what does it mean

what does it mean, I know what it means
you say I don't listen, I say I didn't hear you
I say you don't understand, you say I don't care
so we stay together, I don't know anymore
I don't know what's better for you or what's right for me
but what does it mean when we're both not happy..
I've heard from wise souls gratitude holds the key
I've listened to my parents who say no one is happy
I know what is right and what is wrong for me
but what does it mean when we're both not happy...
are you still recovering from your old flame
and looking for a part of her in our game
am I still remembering the time I was hurt
I needed a quick fix and you pulled me from dirt
who knows, I don't know, we're all doing our best
I want someone to teach me, someone who knows best
I don't know what's better for you or what's right for me
but what does it mean when we're both not happy
what does it mean when we're both not happy

~Jenn

kindness kills...kinda

I saw a movie today.  Sarah's Key.  Soooo good yet so sad.  It was a story that took place during the Holocost, a time that always brings tears to acknowledge, but the saddest part that hit me and made me think about was kindness...kindness is so amazing to see, and yet why is so heart wrenching?  When someone puts themselves at risk for someone else, or actually puts someone else first, above themselves, that makes me sad...it really does.  So, I will always say evil kills, that is an obvious statement, but I really think kindness kills just the same, in a deeper, more fulfilling way...I should be more kind, I think we all should, don't you?
I am feeling very old and very jewish...I am going to a bat mitzvah for a friend of mine's, and I have never had a friend with a teenager as a child...yes, this is an OLDER friend, and yes, I haven't been to a bat mitzvah since I was in my teens, but hey, it's a mitzvah either way, a 'good deed', and I am all for good deeds and being KIND!!!!

~Jenn
short and sweet and KIND...what have you done today that is the name of KIND?

TRUTH

It's surprising, so surprising, to trust someone, feel like you know someone, feel like someone cares about you, and to find out they say something behind your back that is just so far from the truth, so far from being a good friend, a confident, and in the sole name of gossip...it's surprising.
And, I could be really upset about it, I could be, but because it is so far from the truth, and because my deep instinctual gut feeling about this person was that they were a fake and phony, it turns out that it doesn't really bother me...but it could, it really could.
So, one more person can be deleted from my thoughts or deleted from my calendar.  No more time worth spending on them, no more time.  Still, I stay surprised and a little rattled, but no worries, it is something that I can easily move past from and not think about ...still surprising however.
It's friday, rainy friday, and I am feeling like a movie and a glass of wine.  I am so glad I am not an alcoholic, so I can appreciate and look forward to a glass of wine on a rainy afternoon.  I can appreciate a piece of chocolate, because I know one piece is plenty for me, and I don't feel like chocolate very often.  I can appreciate a day in bed to rest, because I don't feel like that very often, and I can appreciate a good piece of meet, because when I crave it, I know my body needs it.
But, I know what I cannot appreciate because I need it constantly and I probably am a junkie for it...love, connection, love.  29 years of looking, and I still don't know if I appreciate it or not, because I am always searching for it, and then once I get it, I need more.  I don't know if I actually really feel it even, because I always need more of it...soooo... I am NOT an alcoholic, I am NOT a chocolaholic, I am NOT a steakoholic, but, my name is jenn, and I AM a lovoholic.  It can be romantic love, parental love, friendly love, sisterly love, but LOVE is the name of the game and I want it damnit.  I love giving it too, but that's probably part of the problem as well.
Let's play by the 12 step recovery program...today is day 2 and I have only looked for love once so far.  Just once.  But it is only day 2.  And tonight maybe I will look for love again, so oh boy, I will have to start from scratch again.  And just to bring me back to the beginning, I maybe can learn that I have a tendency to look for love in the wrong places...and give love unjustly...the person whom betrayed me and my trust, I was probably looking for some type of love in that situation, blinding me of what the truth was...and that's it !  THAT is the problem...whatever you need, whatever you so call crave, it will blind you and keep you from the truth, and ultimately it will hurt you.  The truth is here to save you, set you free, and the other stuff, whatever you try to make yourself believe of convince yourself to see, if it is not true, it will hurt you and make you unhappy.  Whether you want to believe this or not, the hard truth is that is doesn't matter what you believe or not, because truth is above your belief's, your idea's, your walls...truth is gonna ride over anything else, and that is the fuckin truth!  Ok, maybe there's a song in all of this rubbish :)
(Maybe I shouldn't drink in the afternoon either :) )

~Jenn

just another day

It's a rambling day, a rambling day...
because, for once, I don't know what to say
I am at a loss for words
doesn't happen very often
maybe I should take a break and come back later
hoping something will inspire me at some point today
or maybe this is it
maybe I am not supposed to feel inspired every day
maybe this is just reality and I should write nothing today
what if I stopped asking questions and got on the ride
what if I stopped wondering where the ride would go
and I just buy the ticket not knowing how it will go...
today, unlike yesterday, different than the days before
how many kinds of ways can I say the same thing
okay back to today, being different than before
what if I pretend I don't know what to do other than
live in the day and let it do me as opposed to me doing it
I'm gonna make love with the day, let it love me back
sounds stupid, I know, but I need to figure this out
I need to figure out how to be WITH my life and not above it
I need to see how to BE in my world and maybe not below it
I need to be ONE with the day, the day being the world
and so I figure out assignments to solve a problem
I love assignments to give me a purpose, I reason to exist
an equation to answer, to make my world seem safe
to make me fee like I have a reason to go about another day,
just another day...

(Say NOOOOOOOO to drugs ;))

~Jenn

My friend said...

"I woke up this morning saying what the f#$$###$ am I doing?
I made some coffee and said what the f#&&###& should I be doing?
I went to work and said what the f#$$###$ am I doing here?
what the f#$$$###$ man, what the f#$$$###$"

Okay...my friend worried me today, he kept saying what the what the what the f#$$#...
and then he said something that went like this, or at least, this is my interpretation of what he said...

"Everything around me right now seems strange...
I am living a life that means nothing, it's just strange.
Maybe I'm really depressed and this is how it feels,
maybe this is just what life is, and I'm a gerbil on a wheel,
maybe it's a sign that I need to do something quick,
or maybe it means I'm an artist and this is how we tick..
maybe just maybe I have no idea what I am saying
maybe just maybe this is me and I'm actually crazy.
Do crazy people know they're crazy
or is it something they're forced to believe?
Do they ask as many questions as I come up with,
and then have no answers to satisfy their undying needs?
Oh well, here it is, what the f#$$###$...
what do you think, tell me, am I just fuxxxed up?"

I had to respond, even though I didn't know what to say...

"Maybe we're all just going through some rough times,
it's okay, it will be okay, everything will be just fine..."

I think everyone in a bad place wants to feel heard or understood.  Everyone wants to feel like it will get better, it will be okay.  Everyone wants to feel that they aren't alone, that they aren't the only one's in the world unhappy at the moment.  And everyone wants to feel that they can believe one day happiness will come back, it isn't gone forever...because it's not.
Every moment of misery will be a future moment of peace.

~Jenn

Makes you wonder

I don't think you make it to the top
until you made it out of the bottom.
I don't think you can say success
until you know you're out of the hole.
I know it's hard, I know it's not fair,
but we all go through a test
until we get to rest...
and just when you think you're out,
it calls you back without a plan.
It makes you wonder your strength,
makes you wonder what you're doing,
makes you wonder, makes you wonder
how to make it out from under.
And just when you've had enough,
you have no more air, no where to go,
that's when you need to make it through
and at some point, we all have to...
It makes you wonder, makes you wonder
how to make it out from under.
It makes you wonder what you did wrong,
if you deserve all that you brought on.
It makes you wonder, makes you wonder,
scared and alone it keeps you under,
a ghost, a thought, a feeling within
it's part of us all, it's how we fit in.
It makes you wonder, makes you wonder
who you are when you're under.
It makes you wonder, makes you wonder,
hoping for it all to be over,
running faster to make it over.

~Jenn

It doesn't mean a thing without you, ya know

I don't care if you have money, ya know
I've had it already, it doesn't help ya grow
I don't care if you have hair, ya know
I can see your eyes better when they glow

           And so you know and so you know...

I've had the riches and the fancy wine
I've danced on tables and played with the devil
it doesn't mean a thing doing it alone
it doesn't mean a thing without you ya know

I don't care if we live on a ranch or in a home
in a tent, we can still work together and grow
I don't care if we watch a movie or talk all night
I'd be fine getting lost in your eyes

          And so you know and so you know...

I've eaten caviar and played cards with kings
I've had private jets and helicopter rides
it doesn't mean a thing if I'm doing it alone
it doesn't mean a thing without you, ya know

I don't care I don't care I don't care anymore
love and money, give me the love honey
I'll take care of you and you'll make me laugh
you'll take care of me and keep us on track

          And so you know and so you know...

I've spent some holidays cruising with the waves
I've spent some long nights sleeping on planes
it doesn't mean a thing if I'm doing it alone
it doesn't mean a thing without you, ya know

~Jenn

I'm alive

Maybe Someday

She's going away

coming back someday

maybe someday

she wants to learn

how to be happy

maybe someday

everyone deserves a fair chance in life

but what if the chance came and went

you didn't see when it was calling

and now it doesn't call, you hit a wall

and in order to adjust and regroup...

she's going away

coming back someday

maybe someday

she'll try again

try a different way

maybe someday

you're only lost if that's what you believe

you only believe what your mind is saying

but what if you could change all of that

and see a whole different road and path

and possibly live a life that you want to last...

she's going away

coming back someday

maybe someday

she's looking again

when will the questions end

never, or maybe,

maybe someday...

~Jenn

Something like that

She's walking away from something
it doesn't feel good, or something
something like that
he's yelling at her for something
he's needs her to feel, or something
something like that
I'm sitting hear waiting for something
wanting and missing you, or something
something like that
come back, come back, let's start again
with everything that passed
we know how to make it last
so come back come back, or something
something like that
She sees today a different way
it doesn't feel as good, or something
something like that
He's sensing a different mood from her
she feels it too, or something
something like that
come back, come back let's start again
with everything that passed
we know how to make it last
so come back come back, or something
something like that
She's walking towards something
a dream calling to her, or something
something like that
he's missing her smell, or something
hoping one day she returns, or something
something like that
something like that ...
some back come back or something,
something like that .

~Jenn

it's all the same, just the same

Sometimes it feels
everyone is changing around me
growing and evolving and living
but I'm staying the same
            I'm just staying the same
            same life, same game
            same worries, same pain
            I'm just the same
all the work I do to get better
to reach my goals everyday
but nothing seems to happen
and everything around me is changing
            but me, I'm just the same
            same life, same game
            same worries, same pain
            I'm just the same
I could move to change it up
I could get a different job moving up
I could change my name, my look
but no matter what I do
           I'm just staying the same
           same life, same game
           same worries, same pain
           I'm just the same
it's all the same, just the same
why do you change, I'm just the same
I want to change, but I'm just the same
I'm just the same, just the same.

~Jenn

Got to move on

One day, any day
I've got to be strong and move on
one day, maybe today
I will say I'm going on
to another stage
I finished this page
I've got to move on
somehow, some way
I've got to be strong and move on
it's time when all I have are tears
it's time when I have no more years
to give to something so wrong
something that keeps me from moving on
so good bye my dear
It's time, I'm very clear
got to move on and be strong
got to be strong and move on
maybe one day I'll call
maybe one day I'll see
if you stayed the same without me
I know I will grow into something better
I know I will find a love to last forever
I know I will get to a place
you will stay in your own space
and we will go on as if
nothing ever happened
but I've got to move on and be strong
I've got to be strong and move on

~Jenn

sunday freakin sunday

I am starting to learn that there may be no right or wrong way, but just A way to go.
Now I see there are so many roads to take, all different leading to the same place.
some say live with grace and ease
some say live with order and peace
some say look above and listen for the way
some say look within to know your way
I say don't think about it too much anymore
the more I think, the more I close the doors
I say walk forward and stop looking back
the path ahead is the one to keep you on track
the person you are is the one you are meant to be
the lessons you learn are the one's you will teach
the words you speak will come around to bite you back
so walk with awareness, speak with kindness,
live knowing your life will follow you wherever you go,
and the bags you carry stay on your back, so don't over pack !!
I did a bad thing to someone, but didn't mean to hurt them
I liked them for a moment, then saw they were not the one.
I never lied or cheated, but they said I led them on
I was only speaking my truth, I can't help that I'm not the one
So, I lose a friend in the long run,
they lose a friend at a time they need one
and now in pain, a pain I caused...
I pray for hurt to go away
for everyone who gets in my way
for those who want to be the one
and those who don't and want to run.
there is no ONE, just two's three' and four's
and then a five in the next open door
lucky possibilities, hopeful opportunities,
doors opening and closing daily...
yes, it's sunday, another sunday, and I am blabbing again...
it's all the same, just another day, another day, it's all the same.

~Jenn
Go Giants :)

The truth will set us free

I feel sick from hurting you, you know it's never what I want to do.

how can I be honest and true when that is what will hurt you

how can I say I care, because I do, and say things that I know are painful

because being truthful doesn't mean saying no to pain

but as they say, and I do believe, the truth will set us free.

My truth is sometimes hidden behind the pretty flowers and lights

If I don't open the door, then you will live in your own beliefs

your own way that helps you be safe and comfortable in your being...

but I have to say what's on my mind, even if it comes out unkind

and I care enough about you and us to NOT let you believe in lies

and as they say, and I do believe, the truth will set us free.

Hate me for a while, it's okay, I know you will care again one day...

and know that hurting you is hard to do, I hate my ugly truth.

But I want to save you from believing in us, and maybe finding someone else

whose truth will go better with you, who you are, and what you do.

I wish we could be friends forever, a different kind of being together,

and even if we're not a family, we can still help each other along the way.

Ifyou need to separate now, I'll be watching your back as you walk away

If you choose turn around, I promise you'll see me watching you, 

and I won't leave because I need you too, I need you to befriend me. 

So that's all I know for now, please don't cry, it will all work out fine

and as they say, and I do believe, the truth will set us free.

~Jenn

We're ready

I feel a change in the air this week, this month, this year

like a ghost coming to town, it's different vibe all around

and I know deep down

I'm ready

Gonna pick up my guitar today and learn a new song to play

gonna take my bike out, happy thoughts are coming out 

cuz I know deep down

I'm ready

I'm ready for life to begin, I'm ready for love to come in

I'm ready to dance and sway, I'm ready for a different way

I'm ready to live for us, I'm ready for me and for you 

I'm ready, I'm ready, I know deep down I'm ready

I'm gonna take a boat and dock somewhere I can float

gonna look up at the sky and watch and wonder why

how I know deep down

I'm ready

Gonna take your hand and lead you into a new play land 

you don't have to believe, you just have to open up and see

that I know deep down

You're ready

We're ready.

~Jenn

It's all gonna be okay

Getting over the best of times we had
is taking a toll, but I'm learning to stand
without you at my side
as my partner in crime...
but it's gonna be okay, no matter what comes with the day,
I know in some way...
it's all gonna be okay

I know life is about new surprises
a new moment with every new sun rise
but living without you
is hard to get used too...
but it's gonna be okay, no matter what comes with the day,
I know in some way...
it's all gonna be okay

I used to worry about you and your feelings
so I didn't have to deal with my own yearnings
but now I'm looking from the inside out
seeing what I want, what I'm all about...

I don't want to leave you, but there's no choice
love isn't enough when I can't have my own voice
and you know you won't give me what I want
and I know I can't live without what I want...

But it's gonna be okay, no matter what comes with the day,
I know in some way...
it's all gonna be okay
it's all gonna be okay.

~Jenn

I guess we'll never know

I'm walking down a long road
where am I going, where does it go
I feel like my feet are a lil too slow
I wish this story would let me know
if we're going to be okay

I have some energy and chills
but I feel I'm just payin bills
we're just running with no thrills
and I just want to be still
are we're going to be okay

everyone has ups and downs
everyone at one point feels turned around
but it doesn't stop until you hit the ground
and no one can hear your sounds

if I knew that someday
we would be okay
I could survive anything
I could handle everything
if I knew that one day
we would be okay
I would ignore all the pain
I would dance in the rain
if I knew that someday
we would be okay

so answer me, answer me
look at me, what do you see
tell me, scold me, give me
something to make me see
I'm leaping into territory unknown
and I don't like to not know
but I have no choice so here I go...
I guess we'll never know
I guess we'll never know

~jenn

Let it go

Today is yom kippur, day of atonement, day of fasting, day of looking inward and reflecting on yourself as a person, and possibly, if brave enough, admitting wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness from anyone you might have hurt in the past...  Most importantly, asking forgiveness from yourself.
I feel that we hurt others because there is a cut within ourselves, even if we don't really acknowledge it, it's there, so if we hurt another, it means we are also hurting in some way.  Even if you look at people who have been hurt badly.  Some people want to lash out, punish those who 'deserve' to be punished...but we are punishing because we are hurting from their wrongdoing.  Whatever it is, we are hurting.  So in order to forgive, REALLY forgive, we have to forgive ourselves, and that is a much harder task I believe.
This holiday, I have already failed in the fasting part.  I attempted, but I just couldn't do it.  I AM going to temple, so I WILL ask for some forgiveness there...but, I guess I am NOT one to follow rules so much.  They were enforced on me at such an early age, very strict parents and then a gymnastics career which was like a military camp pretty much.  No freedom, and a certain way of life that basically said 'NO' to anything fun or childlike.  But, whatever, that was the past.  I am recovered, for the most part, and am now one to be slightly more rebellious for my 29 years of aging, and also one to follow my own rules...I believe as long as I am good to everyone around me and good to the world basically, then whatever rules are in front of me after that, they are meant to be broken!
But ANYWAY, here I am, atoning for my sins, asking friends and family for forgiveness, and trying to forgive myself for what I deem 'problems'...and I am coming to the conclusion that in order to forgive myself, I need to 'let go' of everything in the past that is making me feel bad...I need to let go of needing to feel bad...I need to let go of needing to feel 'unworthy', and open up to the possibility of actually having happiness and contentment in my life.  I am ready.  I am a good person, and whatever I have compared myself to in the past, for some reason, I always come up with the feeling that everyone around me is better than me...but that is just not true!  I am OKAY no matter what anyone else has told me in the past, no matter what I have allowed myself to do in the past, and fuck it all...I am going to be happy and successful and good to the world because that is what I deserve, it is what the world deserves, and what I am going to allow from now on...and I hope everyone in the world can get to a place where they feel well enough to love themselves so they can enjoy all the love and light around them...
Sooooooooooo...peace out, and wishing the world an easy day of fasting, a day of sincere forgiveness, and a start to a brighter year to come ...

~Jenn

just be YOU

Some days are hard to take
and you smile and try to fake
a cheerful presence so you can relate
to what you might think is around you...

watching from the outside in
a fish in a bowl learning to swim
fighting to let go and be within
and see what this life could bring...

today could be tomorrow's dream
nothing is what it seems to be
anything that means something to you
could mean nothing to everyone else
so why not just be you, be yourself
since there is no one else?

I'm a leaf blowing in the wind
never knowing where I'm gonna land
but sure enough waking up
everyday to a different hand...

I'm a cloud blowing through the sky
watching different cities pass me by
looking down with big blue eyes
never getting to see the sun rise...

I'm a flower struggling to bloom
in a world infected with dirt and gloom
I'm gonna burst or die real soon
sad to see life never bloom...

I'm an answer to a difficult quest
it's easy if you stop thinking it's a test
the life you lead is not at all a mess
it's just a beautiful and prosperous quest...

I'm looking out from a different view
I'm handing you the hidden clue
the key to happiness through and through
is to be yourself, to just be YOU...
and yes, this could be difficult to do,
but it is promised to simply be true...
just be you
just be you

~Jenn

Let me comfort you

If you need me today
will you call out my name
I'm just watching the rain
thinking about the pain
you are going through
so, let me comfort you

If you can't sleep tonight
ring me no matter what time
even if it's morning light
I know these long nights
are the longest to get through
so, let me comfort you

listen to me, let go of your thinking
it's dragging you down
and I see you, I see you struggling
friends can take you away from it all
save you from the hardest fall
it's what I want to do
so, let me comfort you

I needed you before
when he walked out the door
you pulled me off the floor
your pep talks and more
you got me through
so let me comfort you
let me comfort you

~Jenn

cha cha cha change

It's the weirdest thing when everyone leaves
no one stays around anymore it seems
people come and go, even best friends
We never see it coming, we're not ready, it just ends.
I guess time changes everything, even commitments
so why even make the commitment when
you know someday, somehow it will all end
commit to stay until you feel like leaving
that's what we should say...
It IS impossible to stay the same, however,
everything has to change
and I have learned from sayings and such
that change is good and something to trust
but change seems to hurt no matter what
so I have yet to see the truth in this saying so much.
Live and learn is how it all smoothly goes
I'm learning that is all seems to just go...
Yeah, so what, I'm dark and depressing at times,
but I don't whine, I don't think I whine.
I like to think of myself as young,
like wine, with age, I will mature to be strong
happy and content, I have felt it sometimes
maybe just having it at times is enough to be mine?
I create it all, misery and fate
so today, tomorrow, even yesterday,
I started to meditate, give it a year of days
I'm gonna commit to the process, see where it leads
hoping that nothing will be as is it seems...
David Bowie said it best...cha cha cha cha changes

~Jenn

I'm awesome and you know it

I'm awesome and you know it
I'm awesome and you know it
move that body, shake that booty
just take me baby take me

hmmmmmm...don't think I am cut out for writing sexy dance lyrics...trying!

I'm looking at you baby baby
look at me, move with me
do me baby move me do me
I'm awesome and you know it
I'm awesome and you know it
don't lose it don't use it
just please it and keep it
I'm awesome and you know it
I'm awesome and you know it
give it to me I'll take you places
let's do it baby just commit to me
I'm awesome and you know it
I'm awesome and you know it
hold me squeeze me love me
I'm easy if you love me
all I need is love and kindness
the rest of it is what you want with it
I'm awesome and you know it
I'm awesome and you know it

yes, there are times when you just have to go waaayyyyy outside your comfort lines...and I am trying, I am trying :)

~Jenn

we would have each other

I'm walking on a fine line
trying not to get fined
but I'm having hard time
with a life that's just mine.

I enjoy people around me
you know I love to see
smiling faces, when we agree
hands shake, loving free.

so what am I to do
when I don't feel I can go through
a life with no one to hold on to
it's scary to admit, but it's true.

would you love me someday
if you felt in the same place
and we could start today
learning how to be together

I will get to know you if you promise to want to know me
even if we never completely and totally
become one with each other, that would be okay
but we would keep trying and keep going
because everyday could be the start of a better day
and either way, either way
we would have each other,
we would have each other.

~Jenn

It's your life

Commit to yourself and be a good person
it's all we really have at the end of it all
commit to yourself and start the trend
and we will all benefit from it in the end.
I need you to succeed and I need you to trust
I don't have all the answers, but I know that I must
must, must, must, see it through,
be good to you, stay true, stay true
I don't know how to be sometimes
and I want to do right all the time
but I'm finding it hard to shine
during this troubling time.
I see you over there watching me
knowing I'm struggling to be free
and you do nothing but stare, just stare
I'm not sure if you're strong or just scared
life isn't so hard if you don't want it to be
but it can be painful if you stay your own enemy
so live and learn and do what's right
make yourself shine, it's your right, it's your life.

~Jenn

truth will set you free

Everything you think your life is about
can change in one instant
everything you thought you were about
could change in one meeting
everything covered could be uncovered
with the truth to set it all free
and change your world and destiny.
But the catch to the puzzle,
the switch to push you forward,
is on the inside,
it's not some lucky prize.
I have the ability
to live with stability,
compassion and humility,
if I stick with the truth
that burns from my youth
and with the old ways of deceit
the task is not always an easy feat.
But I stand firmly in my belief...

everything you think your life is about 

can change in one instant

everything you thought you were about

could change in one meeting

everything covered could be uncovered

with the truth to set it all free

and change your world and destiny.

~Jenn

It's just about you

It's getting to the point in time,
when it's time to let go, time to give in...
time is all we have right now,
the most precious gift of all,
I don't want to stay on this fall
until the end of time.
It's getting to the end of the line
where it's all about me, it's my time
to take your hand in mine
and together help the world shine
until the end of out time.
But there's a problem, don't you see
it's an issue I am carrying with me
and it's my duty to set myself free
before you decide to leave me.
It might not be about what we are given
it might just be about how we use our gifts
what we choose to make,
and,
why we choose to destroy.
I'm done analyzing,
I'm done judging,
I'm done critiquing everything that's mine,
for now...
you said it keeps me on the same path
to nowhere, watching from behind the lines.
You say I can be who I want to be,
but what if I don't want to be with you?
Would you still stick to that truth?
I wonder if you just want me with you,
so you say things that inspire me to do
what you want me to do, when it's just about you.
It's could all be just about you,
just about you.
But don't worry, I don't mind so much
if I'm a better me because of you,
then I'm okay with it all being
just about you, just about you.

~Jenn

anyone who knows anything about anything

Anyone who knows anything about anything
knows that you hurt me... bad, you do
anyone who knows anything about anything
knows how I can't stop loving you...it's true
so what am I to do, what am I to do
anyone who sees me like I see you
is doomed, oh so doomed
anyone who loves me like I love you
is screwed, oh boy, so screwed
but enough about me, and enough about you
anyone who knows anything about anything
knows how strong I am and that I can change
anyone who knows anything about anything
knows that I am going to find the right way
so I know what to do, I'm letting go of you
dare me to see it through,
believe it's not to punish you
anyone who sees me like I see you
is gonna be loved the way l loved you
anyone who knows me like I know you
is gonna be known the way I know you
anyone who knows anything about anything
knows this is the truth, I'm gonna make it through
anyone who knows anything about anything
knows I will always love you,
and my heart will love you too...

~Jenn
to be cont...

change

I'm lying on the couch today, looking up at the ceiling, and talking to a man sitting in the corner of the room.  He has a notepad and is jotting things down that I say, I can't seem to understand what he finds important enough to write down, and what he deems ramble.
Anywho... I am the one who deems it all babble, ramble, wasted words connected to unwanted feelings that won't seem to go away, and no matter how hard I try to look another way, they follow me, strangle me, begging me for another round of dealing with them, coddling them, loving them...eeeeeehhhhhh, here we go again!
Change is for the better, always for the better, until it doesn't seem better...change could be a form of giving up, running away, not dealing with the days.  I've been told I have it great.  And I tell everyone around me, we all have it great.  We have it fuckkkkkkkinnnnnnn great!  And I love being grateful for how great we all have it, I am totally lucky in this lifetime, and probably all the future lifetimes to come.  I love karma, I love dharma, I love having the power to create, either a new beginning or an ending in my life, at any time I desire.
But here I am, 29 years old again, and wishing for another go at the whole thing.  This man nods his head pretending to understand, but in the back of his mind I know he is just waiting for his chance to say, 'have you considered medication?'  Hah...I love making fun of these things because I never agree.  Feelings are feelings we are meant to have and share everyday.  Someone once told me after 47 years of being married, he still doesn't really know 'who' his wife is, doesn't understand her 'core'.  And I know it's because she never really allowed him to see her.  She had total control of her feelings, what she let out, what she kept in, what she pretended to feel, and what not to feel.  Total control, and he felt it, and she felt it, and in the end, no one wins.  Control of it all gets you no where but safe and alone.  And who really wants to feel that way?  I like to think I've been on both sides of the equation and I like the transparent side, the openness side, the feeling side where it's all out there and part of a community, part of a group that sees each other and wants to keep seeing more of each other.  
But I don't want to be 'seen' anymore.  I'm done.  'Been there done that,' basically.  I want to 'SEE'.  I don't want to be understood either.  I want to understand.  I don't want to be loved either, I already am.  I just want to love.  And this is for some reason, the most powerful feeling I have had in while.  I'm wanting to be part of the whole picture, take the back seat so the whole group can survive and grow, who cares about me anymore.  I'm done growing for now, I'm gonna grow with the group starting with today.  Sunday. Change is coming my way, our way....thanks doc, couldn't have done it without ya!

~Jenn

PS...go giants

Maybe I should see it your way

I saw you running away
yesterday,
yesterday, when you saw me on the street
why didn't you want to meet?
I know it's been a long time,
But I thought you'd be fine
if we ever saw each other
again, since our end.
I only want the best for you
isn't it weird how much we went through
and now you run the other way
never wanting to remember the day
we parted separate ways.
Look at the world today
no one is happy, no one seems willing
to try love a different way
I wanted to love you
you know I did
but only pretending
doesn't make it right,
it only brings on a fight
inside, inside when there's no light.
I don't know what else to say
but you know I saw you today
and you ran the other way...
maybe I should see it your way.

~Jenn

Try

It's harder than it seems
harder than it seems to be
harder than it looks to me
      But it's easier in time, and I promise you will shine
      if you just take the time, take the time to...
                 Try, give it a try, even if you have to cry, give it a try.

sometimes it seems to me
you can't see so clearly
when everything seems too scary
      But it's easier in time, and I promise you will shine
      if you just take the time, take the time to
                 Try, give it a try, even if you have to cry, give it a try.

and that's how I know, that's how you know
that's how you khow strong you can be
and even if you don't succeed
you know you tried, you know you tried
just give it a try, even if you have to cry, give it a try
and in the end, if there's ever an end
if there's ever an end to look back and see
that when you tried, you did succeed
so just give it a try, even if you have to cry, give it a try...

TRY

~Jenn

Letting Go

It started like a movie
a good movie, very romantic
and very cinematic
love and sparks all around
hearts were open, happiness was found.

I don't know where it turned
I can't say why it turned
but I do know it DID turn,
and I am still trying to discern
if there is anything to be learned...

But I'm letting go, I'm letting go
of what I was once told,
and the ideas I dearly hold.
I'm letting go, I'm letting go
maybe one day I'll see
the me I want to be,
the me you see in me.

You inspire me when you say,
'baby, you can have it your way'
You support me when you say,
'baby, I'm here for you always'
You guide me when you say,
'baby, it's time to look another way'

But I'm letting go, I'm letting go

of what I was once told, 

and the ideas I dearly hold .

I'm letting go, I'm letting go

maybe one day I'll see 

the me I want to be,

the me you see in me.

You say everything comes with a price,
I say how long do I have to keep paying.
You say change is another form of success,
I say change is another start at the bottom.
You say everything has a solution,
I say everything shouldn't be a problem...
so the end is near, the end is here.

And I'm letting go, I'm letting go

of what I was once told, 

and the ideas I dearly hold.

I'm letting go, I'm letting go

maybe one day I'll see 

the me I want to be,

the me you see in me.

~Jenn

Going up

The best part about being rock bottom , or under, BELOW rock bottom, is that there is no way, no absolute way of it getting any worse, so there is only one way to go and that is up...make sense?  cool...going up, up up and away she goes...

~Jenn

Not the happy times

I've been in a funk.  A big one.  And I have no idea what to write, so I just thought I would read what I wrote the last time.  And it was called 'I Know.'  And you know what?  I don't know shiat.  I have no idea what the #$@!@# I am doing anymore, I really don't. And it's kinda scary, kinda terrifying, and kinda freeing.  I always want to have the answers, know something about something, try to figure it all out, try to control some sort of outcome or have some sort of expectation about something I am doing, something I am hoping for, something I am working towards or involving myself in.  But, after this weekend, I have come to the conclusion that I need to just stop trying.  I haven't been able to figure out anything and the work it takes to try to figure it all out is pretty exhausting.  It is.  So, there, so be it.  I have no answers, no advice, no clue as to what to do anymore, and if I have ever been at a rock bottom, and yes, I think every week I have some sort of visit to rock bottom, but now is different.  NOW I am at the bottom.  I don't even have a rock anymore, this is the pit, the hole, the bottom under the rock.  That is where I happen to be, and if there is a place that I do NOT want to be for too long, it's here.  Period.
So, moving on...:)  I have a show tomorrow night, recording this week with a guy from the Gin Blossoms, we wrote a song together for a TV show and hopefully it will go somewhere.  And, let's see, what else...I'm pregnant and going to vegas to get married next weekend...JUST KIDDING!  Wondering if you were paying attention...if you were, great, if not, I'm sure I'm gonna get some calls today...
Where will I be tomorrow, later today, later this week, it's all a big question mark for me at this point...and you know what?  I used to sing about next beginnings not coming to an end, and I am realizing that all beginnings come to an end.  That's just how it is I think.  Soooooo fuckin be it.  But, big bummer...these are NOT the Happy Times from the greenhut pages, NOT the happy happy times :)

~Jenn

I know

I know, I don't know where we're going
today, tomorrow, a year from now
I know, I don't know what's to happen
if I stay, if you go, or are we going too slow
but I know, I want to be with you
I know I want to be with you

You know, we don't know what the future brings
fighting, or laughing, or happy things
you know, we don't know if the work today
let's us suffer or let's us play
but you know I want to be with you
I know I want to be with you

It's all that matters in the end
who I want to have as my friends
who I want to argue with at times
who I want to love and keep by my side
it's you it's you it's you
I hope you want me too

I'm sorry for the fighting we will have
I'm sorry for some thoughts in my head
I'm hoping you know deep inside
the light that shines, the truth is hard to find
but I'm telling you now without any lies
it's you, I want to be with you
I know, I know you want me too
I know, I know you want me too

~Jenn

Only lonely

She has a loud way about her
never a moment of quiet, or silence
I can't help but listen through my walls
with a pillow over my head to muffle the sounds
of whining, complaining of what is to come
worrying, praying about what is around
bitching, obsessing about her life today
it's more than a soap opera, it's maurey everyday.
The guy next door yells at her sometimes
he puts her down, says she's wasting his time
he can't focus, he can't write when she's loud
he wants to move I think, but it makes me think
she is only lonely, only lonely
that makes her this way
only lonely, only lonely
no one to listen, no one to hear her scream
so she screams louder and louder
hoping someone might come and see her pain
but she only pushes us away, loneliness growing
changing behavior is the only way she might change
so I think, so I learn from her and all her pain...
If I keep doing exactly what I do today
my life won't change, everything will stay the same
if I do something different, one thing at a time
then I might see something new, a little surprise...
I want to tell this woman who cry's
to stay quiet one day, to watch the sun rise
but I think it's too late, some of us don't like change
and I think I never want to get in that depressed state
so I'm going to make my move, something new today
and I'm going to help the woman live with all her mistakes.

~Jenn

Never forget

Never forget what happened in the past
never forget the events that took place
fighting for what is right and wrong
trying to keep up with this human race
never forget about protecting our loved ones
never forget that it can be taken away
I never know how many more days
I will  have to never forget, never forget.
it's inside my heart, but I wear it on the outside
living with this scar, growing from the inside
we proved we can come together in times of need
and we always remember together, to never forget.
never forget the past, it leads us to the future
never forget who's with us and who's without us
we lucked out, you and me, to be here today
it can go at anytime, any moment, any day
never forget this time, ride it out, see it though
never forget who you are and the consequences of what we do
never forget today, never forget tomorrow
never forget the pain, the joy, and the sorrow
hold it, keep it, save it, and never forget.

~Jenn

I wish I was different

I wish I was different
I wish I was young again
I would make better choices
I would make different friends
but someone once said
that I made all the right moves
and this is to be my groove

I feel like I'm on a path
that leads to a dead end
I want to get off this street
so my life can be more sweet
but someone once said
that I made all the right moves
and this is to be my groove

every day comes with another surprise
every time I wake up and open my eyes
today, tomorrow, looking back at times
it's all beginnings if you see it with pride

Im happy, I'm sad, what good does it bring
if it doesn't make me want to sing...
                                                       everyday
I don't want to look back one day
and say I didn't give my life any say
I don't want to see the end and wish
I could do it all over again
I want to be done and proud
of what I have become
I want to go to the other side
looking forward to a new beginning
another life to learn from things
another experience to prove something
another form to have more dreams...

~Jenn