It's your life

Commit to yourself and be a good person
it's all we really have at the end of it all
commit to yourself and start the trend
and we will all benefit from it in the end.
I need you to succeed and I need you to trust
I don't have all the answers, but I know that I must
must, must, must, see it through,
be good to you, stay true, stay true
I don't know how to be sometimes
and I want to do right all the time
but I'm finding it hard to shine
during this troubling time.
I see you over there watching me
knowing I'm struggling to be free
and you do nothing but stare, just stare
I'm not sure if you're strong or just scared
life isn't so hard if you don't want it to be
but it can be painful if you stay your own enemy
so live and learn and do what's right
make yourself shine, it's your right, it's your life.

~Jenn

truth will set you free

Everything you think your life is about
can change in one instant
everything you thought you were about
could change in one meeting
everything covered could be uncovered
with the truth to set it all free
and change your world and destiny.
But the catch to the puzzle,
the switch to push you forward,
is on the inside,
it's not some lucky prize.
I have the ability
to live with stability,
compassion and humility,
if I stick with the truth
that burns from my youth
and with the old ways of deceit
the task is not always an easy feat.
But I stand firmly in my belief...

everything you think your life is about 

can change in one instant

everything you thought you were about

could change in one meeting

everything covered could be uncovered

with the truth to set it all free

and change your world and destiny.

~Jenn

It's just about you

It's getting to the point in time,
when it's time to let go, time to give in...
time is all we have right now,
the most precious gift of all,
I don't want to stay on this fall
until the end of time.
It's getting to the end of the line
where it's all about me, it's my time
to take your hand in mine
and together help the world shine
until the end of out time.
But there's a problem, don't you see
it's an issue I am carrying with me
and it's my duty to set myself free
before you decide to leave me.
It might not be about what we are given
it might just be about how we use our gifts
what we choose to make,
and,
why we choose to destroy.
I'm done analyzing,
I'm done judging,
I'm done critiquing everything that's mine,
for now...
you said it keeps me on the same path
to nowhere, watching from behind the lines.
You say I can be who I want to be,
but what if I don't want to be with you?
Would you still stick to that truth?
I wonder if you just want me with you,
so you say things that inspire me to do
what you want me to do, when it's just about you.
It's could all be just about you,
just about you.
But don't worry, I don't mind so much
if I'm a better me because of you,
then I'm okay with it all being
just about you, just about you.

~Jenn

anyone who knows anything about anything

Anyone who knows anything about anything
knows that you hurt me... bad, you do
anyone who knows anything about anything
knows how I can't stop loving you...it's true
so what am I to do, what am I to do
anyone who sees me like I see you
is doomed, oh so doomed
anyone who loves me like I love you
is screwed, oh boy, so screwed
but enough about me, and enough about you
anyone who knows anything about anything
knows how strong I am and that I can change
anyone who knows anything about anything
knows that I am going to find the right way
so I know what to do, I'm letting go of you
dare me to see it through,
believe it's not to punish you
anyone who sees me like I see you
is gonna be loved the way l loved you
anyone who knows me like I know you
is gonna be known the way I know you
anyone who knows anything about anything
knows this is the truth, I'm gonna make it through
anyone who knows anything about anything
knows I will always love you,
and my heart will love you too...

~Jenn
to be cont...

change

I'm lying on the couch today, looking up at the ceiling, and talking to a man sitting in the corner of the room.  He has a notepad and is jotting things down that I say, I can't seem to understand what he finds important enough to write down, and what he deems ramble.
Anywho... I am the one who deems it all babble, ramble, wasted words connected to unwanted feelings that won't seem to go away, and no matter how hard I try to look another way, they follow me, strangle me, begging me for another round of dealing with them, coddling them, loving them...eeeeeehhhhhh, here we go again!
Change is for the better, always for the better, until it doesn't seem better...change could be a form of giving up, running away, not dealing with the days.  I've been told I have it great.  And I tell everyone around me, we all have it great.  We have it fuckkkkkkkinnnnnnn great!  And I love being grateful for how great we all have it, I am totally lucky in this lifetime, and probably all the future lifetimes to come.  I love karma, I love dharma, I love having the power to create, either a new beginning or an ending in my life, at any time I desire.
But here I am, 29 years old again, and wishing for another go at the whole thing.  This man nods his head pretending to understand, but in the back of his mind I know he is just waiting for his chance to say, 'have you considered medication?'  Hah...I love making fun of these things because I never agree.  Feelings are feelings we are meant to have and share everyday.  Someone once told me after 47 years of being married, he still doesn't really know 'who' his wife is, doesn't understand her 'core'.  And I know it's because she never really allowed him to see her.  She had total control of her feelings, what she let out, what she kept in, what she pretended to feel, and what not to feel.  Total control, and he felt it, and she felt it, and in the end, no one wins.  Control of it all gets you no where but safe and alone.  And who really wants to feel that way?  I like to think I've been on both sides of the equation and I like the transparent side, the openness side, the feeling side where it's all out there and part of a community, part of a group that sees each other and wants to keep seeing more of each other.  
But I don't want to be 'seen' anymore.  I'm done.  'Been there done that,' basically.  I want to 'SEE'.  I don't want to be understood either.  I want to understand.  I don't want to be loved either, I already am.  I just want to love.  And this is for some reason, the most powerful feeling I have had in while.  I'm wanting to be part of the whole picture, take the back seat so the whole group can survive and grow, who cares about me anymore.  I'm done growing for now, I'm gonna grow with the group starting with today.  Sunday. Change is coming my way, our way....thanks doc, couldn't have done it without ya!

~Jenn

PS...go giants

Maybe I should see it your way

I saw you running away
yesterday,
yesterday, when you saw me on the street
why didn't you want to meet?
I know it's been a long time,
But I thought you'd be fine
if we ever saw each other
again, since our end.
I only want the best for you
isn't it weird how much we went through
and now you run the other way
never wanting to remember the day
we parted separate ways.
Look at the world today
no one is happy, no one seems willing
to try love a different way
I wanted to love you
you know I did
but only pretending
doesn't make it right,
it only brings on a fight
inside, inside when there's no light.
I don't know what else to say
but you know I saw you today
and you ran the other way...
maybe I should see it your way.

~Jenn

Try

It's harder than it seems
harder than it seems to be
harder than it looks to me
      But it's easier in time, and I promise you will shine
      if you just take the time, take the time to...
                 Try, give it a try, even if you have to cry, give it a try.

sometimes it seems to me
you can't see so clearly
when everything seems too scary
      But it's easier in time, and I promise you will shine
      if you just take the time, take the time to
                 Try, give it a try, even if you have to cry, give it a try.

and that's how I know, that's how you know
that's how you khow strong you can be
and even if you don't succeed
you know you tried, you know you tried
just give it a try, even if you have to cry, give it a try
and in the end, if there's ever an end
if there's ever an end to look back and see
that when you tried, you did succeed
so just give it a try, even if you have to cry, give it a try...

TRY

~Jenn

Letting Go

It started like a movie
a good movie, very romantic
and very cinematic
love and sparks all around
hearts were open, happiness was found.

I don't know where it turned
I can't say why it turned
but I do know it DID turn,
and I am still trying to discern
if there is anything to be learned...

But I'm letting go, I'm letting go
of what I was once told,
and the ideas I dearly hold.
I'm letting go, I'm letting go
maybe one day I'll see
the me I want to be,
the me you see in me.

You inspire me when you say,
'baby, you can have it your way'
You support me when you say,
'baby, I'm here for you always'
You guide me when you say,
'baby, it's time to look another way'

But I'm letting go, I'm letting go

of what I was once told, 

and the ideas I dearly hold .

I'm letting go, I'm letting go

maybe one day I'll see 

the me I want to be,

the me you see in me.

You say everything comes with a price,
I say how long do I have to keep paying.
You say change is another form of success,
I say change is another start at the bottom.
You say everything has a solution,
I say everything shouldn't be a problem...
so the end is near, the end is here.

And I'm letting go, I'm letting go

of what I was once told, 

and the ideas I dearly hold.

I'm letting go, I'm letting go

maybe one day I'll see 

the me I want to be,

the me you see in me.

~Jenn

Going up

The best part about being rock bottom , or under, BELOW rock bottom, is that there is no way, no absolute way of it getting any worse, so there is only one way to go and that is up...make sense?  cool...going up, up up and away she goes...

~Jenn

Not the happy times

I've been in a funk.  A big one.  And I have no idea what to write, so I just thought I would read what I wrote the last time.  And it was called 'I Know.'  And you know what?  I don't know shiat.  I have no idea what the #$@!@# I am doing anymore, I really don't. And it's kinda scary, kinda terrifying, and kinda freeing.  I always want to have the answers, know something about something, try to figure it all out, try to control some sort of outcome or have some sort of expectation about something I am doing, something I am hoping for, something I am working towards or involving myself in.  But, after this weekend, I have come to the conclusion that I need to just stop trying.  I haven't been able to figure out anything and the work it takes to try to figure it all out is pretty exhausting.  It is.  So, there, so be it.  I have no answers, no advice, no clue as to what to do anymore, and if I have ever been at a rock bottom, and yes, I think every week I have some sort of visit to rock bottom, but now is different.  NOW I am at the bottom.  I don't even have a rock anymore, this is the pit, the hole, the bottom under the rock.  That is where I happen to be, and if there is a place that I do NOT want to be for too long, it's here.  Period.
So, moving on...:)  I have a show tomorrow night, recording this week with a guy from the Gin Blossoms, we wrote a song together for a TV show and hopefully it will go somewhere.  And, let's see, what else...I'm pregnant and going to vegas to get married next weekend...JUST KIDDING!  Wondering if you were paying attention...if you were, great, if not, I'm sure I'm gonna get some calls today...
Where will I be tomorrow, later today, later this week, it's all a big question mark for me at this point...and you know what?  I used to sing about next beginnings not coming to an end, and I am realizing that all beginnings come to an end.  That's just how it is I think.  Soooooo fuckin be it.  But, big bummer...these are NOT the Happy Times from the greenhut pages, NOT the happy happy times :)

~Jenn

I know

I know, I don't know where we're going
today, tomorrow, a year from now
I know, I don't know what's to happen
if I stay, if you go, or are we going too slow
but I know, I want to be with you
I know I want to be with you

You know, we don't know what the future brings
fighting, or laughing, or happy things
you know, we don't know if the work today
let's us suffer or let's us play
but you know I want to be with you
I know I want to be with you

It's all that matters in the end
who I want to have as my friends
who I want to argue with at times
who I want to love and keep by my side
it's you it's you it's you
I hope you want me too

I'm sorry for the fighting we will have
I'm sorry for some thoughts in my head
I'm hoping you know deep inside
the light that shines, the truth is hard to find
but I'm telling you now without any lies
it's you, I want to be with you
I know, I know you want me too
I know, I know you want me too

~Jenn

Only lonely

She has a loud way about her
never a moment of quiet, or silence
I can't help but listen through my walls
with a pillow over my head to muffle the sounds
of whining, complaining of what is to come
worrying, praying about what is around
bitching, obsessing about her life today
it's more than a soap opera, it's maurey everyday.
The guy next door yells at her sometimes
he puts her down, says she's wasting his time
he can't focus, he can't write when she's loud
he wants to move I think, but it makes me think
she is only lonely, only lonely
that makes her this way
only lonely, only lonely
no one to listen, no one to hear her scream
so she screams louder and louder
hoping someone might come and see her pain
but she only pushes us away, loneliness growing
changing behavior is the only way she might change
so I think, so I learn from her and all her pain...
If I keep doing exactly what I do today
my life won't change, everything will stay the same
if I do something different, one thing at a time
then I might see something new, a little surprise...
I want to tell this woman who cry's
to stay quiet one day, to watch the sun rise
but I think it's too late, some of us don't like change
and I think I never want to get in that depressed state
so I'm going to make my move, something new today
and I'm going to help the woman live with all her mistakes.

~Jenn

Never forget

Never forget what happened in the past
never forget the events that took place
fighting for what is right and wrong
trying to keep up with this human race
never forget about protecting our loved ones
never forget that it can be taken away
I never know how many more days
I will  have to never forget, never forget.
it's inside my heart, but I wear it on the outside
living with this scar, growing from the inside
we proved we can come together in times of need
and we always remember together, to never forget.
never forget the past, it leads us to the future
never forget who's with us and who's without us
we lucked out, you and me, to be here today
it can go at anytime, any moment, any day
never forget this time, ride it out, see it though
never forget who you are and the consequences of what we do
never forget today, never forget tomorrow
never forget the pain, the joy, and the sorrow
hold it, keep it, save it, and never forget.

~Jenn

I wish I was different

I wish I was different
I wish I was young again
I would make better choices
I would make different friends
but someone once said
that I made all the right moves
and this is to be my groove

I feel like I'm on a path
that leads to a dead end
I want to get off this street
so my life can be more sweet
but someone once said
that I made all the right moves
and this is to be my groove

every day comes with another surprise
every time I wake up and open my eyes
today, tomorrow, looking back at times
it's all beginnings if you see it with pride

Im happy, I'm sad, what good does it bring
if it doesn't make me want to sing...
                                                       everyday
I don't want to look back one day
and say I didn't give my life any say
I don't want to see the end and wish
I could do it all over again
I want to be done and proud
of what I have become
I want to go to the other side
looking forward to a new beginning
another life to learn from things
another experience to prove something
another form to have more dreams...

~Jenn

The last last time

The last time I said I wasn't going to come again
I was feeling down, couldn't smile through the frown
I was hurt and I didn't care what would happen next
I remember through my cold stare
I said it was the last time I was going to come again

I slept a lot, kept my head in my books and thought
I thought about you, I thought about my mistakes
I thought about you, what I gave and what you didn't take
I was missing your smell, your touch
I said I was sorry, I took the blame, and wanted to try again

I lied to myself, I knew once a door is closed it should lock
I knew deep down the yelling would not make me happy
the critical overtones could not be ignored
I tried my best to keep my feet on the ground...but...
I said it would be the last time I was going to come around

and I meant it this time
it was the last time I said good bye
the last time I said good bye

you came around months later to talk, you said to talk
said you were sorry about the pain, said let's take a walk
you held my hand and said you missed me terribly
it felt good, so good that I erased the past
I was in the moment, thought this could actually last

I hurt you, I didn't mean to, you hurt me too
I couldn't understand my feelings underneath, but
I didn't want to cope with the pain one more time
and I knew deep down, this was the last last time
I would say good bye
I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to cry
this was the end, this was the last last time...
I said good bye, the end...

And then...;)

~Jenn

Problems

I am almost at 100 blogs, 3 more to go, pretty cool huh?!  Even though some of them probably weren't worth even blogging, but hey, I am not gonna judge anymore, that is my goal, no judging and no doubting, or at least that is the task I have been given by my therapist, so hey, I do what I am told, ya knoooooowwwwwwww?

I am not judging, I am not doubting, which is now leaving me with a very empty space to fill...I am feeling blank actually at the moment, hmmmmmm...what to do what to do what to do?  hmmmmmmmmmm.   hmmmmmmmmmmm.  uh ooohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Soooooooooo, how bout this freaking weather?  I just moved and I have no AC in my apartment and if I knew it was going to be 90 degrees this month, I would have waited for sure.  But, I guess it could be worse.  It could always be worse.  And, I am getting an AC, so at least I have some options, some ways to fix the problem.

There's always a problem it seems, always something wrong, and something to fix, and I don't see myself at good at solving problems, I am good at running away from problems to solve the solution...it works doesn't it?  Fuxxx the prob, go away from the problem, leave the problem and you will solve your problem...well, it doesn't always work that way I guess.  My immediate response to my NO AC was to move again.  Boycott my move and move back to wear I moved from...but I am growing I tell ya!  I am sticking to the new place, committing to the new place, and solving my problem and getting an AC.  So there.  Totally ready for the next problem to come my way.  Bring it on baby, I am here to solve...I'm ready with my gloves on for all the problems to come.

Something is always wrong however, there in itself is a problem.  Maybe what I see as wrong is right.  I mean, my head is pretty messed up so I can probably argue that I see life in opposites...what is bad to me is great to everyone else.  What is wrong to me is right.  What means nothing actually means everything.  Problems are solutions.  Problems are guides.  Problems are lessons.  Prefect.  I am learning again.  And, now I'm 2 more blogs away from 100...yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Oh...and football starting again.........GO GIANTS!!!!!!!!!! A BIG PROBLEM TO COME :)

~Jenn

I'm just a girl from the city

I just want to go
back to where I'm from
back where I was me, the girl from the city

I miss the lights at night
the noisy cars outside
back where I was me, the girl from the city
        wearing fancy shirts
        dressed up in their skirts
        me in my t shirts, I don't belong....
I'm just a girl from the city
I'm just a girl from the city

        boys with all their tools
        girls have different rules
        I'm hating this new school, I don't belong...
I'm just a girl from the city
I'm just a girl from the city

I just want to be
with my friends back home
back where I was me, the girl from the city
back where I was me, the girl from the city
I'm just a girl from the city
I'm just a girl from the city
I'm just a girl from the city

~jenn

september heat

summer is over and I'm feeling the pain
going back to work, it all feels like a struggle
I miss the ocean breeze, the rainbow glow
I'm feelin pretty low
and I'm feeling the september heat

I'm ready for the leaves to all off the trees
I'm looking towards a good football game
but I am missin the walks we had on the beach
when we would meet
and I'm feeling the september heat

september heat, where's it coming from
september heat, I want this all to be done
september heat september heat
I miss the summer breeze

I have my doubts

Kids like the holidays
a day out of school, a fun barbque
all is okay on the holidays
but I have doubts
I have doubts

We grow and become
different, trying to make some
it's about status and selfishness
and I have my doubts
I have my doubts

there's a plan, we hope so
something that helps us grow
I'm trying hard to reflect
and I have my doubts
I have my doubts
that all is okay on the holidays
that all is okay on the holidays

fake cheering only goes so far
and it's not the road I'm on
I look at people left and right
and I have my doubts
I have my doubts
that all is okay on the holidays
that all is okay on the holidays

time to celebrate your friends
hoping there's nothing to amend
feeling the buzz, drinking the beers
but I have my doubts
I have my doubts
that all is okay on the holidays
that all is okay on the holidays

I have my doubts
I have my doubts
makes me think
I always think
all is not okay on the holidays
all is not okay on the holidays

~Jenn

you're gone

you're here, telling me that I'm not making it
you're here, saying that I can't fake it
but I know it's up to me to say so
and I know it's hard for you to believe
but you're here telling me you're going
and you're here telling me it's over
and now I don't know what I did wrong
but I did something wrong
and you're gone, you're gone.

I'm here, wishing I knew how to make it work
I'm here, hoping you will stay until it works
but you know it's up to you to stay in
and you know it's hard for me to believe
and I'm listening to words that don't make sense
and I'm hearing you tell me it's all nonsense
and now I don't know what I did wrong
but I did something wrong
and you're gone, you're gone.

you know, I wish I could do the right thing
you know, I would say anything, anything
to make you stay, to make you stay
but now I don't know what I did wrong
but I did something wrong
and you're gone, you're gone.

~Jenn