Sooooooooooooooo??????

Falling in love is not for kids, but in this case I wish we met when we were young.  Where we would just carry the leftover bags from our families.
And I want to know you already longer than time will allow me too.
I waited so long for someone like you, and now that you are here, I am scared of losing you.  I never thought I would attach again, since I am still working on detaching from the past.  And then you came along, showing me that surprises can come at the least appropriate times...out of a cake, here you are, here you are...
I don't want to lie to you, or play games, or pretend I'm something I'm not.
And I'm scared of messing up, or saying something I should not.
But here I am, this is it, this is the real me,
and I'm okay if you're not okay with me.
I want to tell you that I'm okay even if you don't want to be with me
And I want to tell you that I'll be good because I know I said everything I could
And I want to tell you that it's okay, I'll find another, or not, someday
And I want to tell you don't worry about me, I know who I am and where I stand.
You say family is your priority but you run away whenever you speak about you and me.
If you're not ready, or you're scared, it's fine, it's cool, but my time is ticking and I need to unwind in a safe place where I don't have to think, where I don't have to be anyone else but me.
So are you coming, you gonna come with me?  I won't bite, I won't leave, I won't say things that are mean...
So, are you gonna walk away, or are you gonna walk with me?
I want to hold your hand, I want to stand by your side, not in front or from behind, and I want to be everything that you see, and I don't want to be anyone else but me.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo???????

~Jenn

Process process process

I'm just gonna ramble today.  Take that as a warning...
So, I have a tendency to always want to rush something.  Like I want to skip the work and the process and be at the place I am running to already.  I don't have time for the in between.  I don't have time for the mess ups in between and the fears of not getting to the place I am trying to go to.  So, I rush.  And I worry.  And I try to control everything and think it all through so I can be sure, in my mind, that I am guaranteed to be where I am trying to get to.
Well, enough of that...I am living and learning still, and I am going to stop this type of thinking.  Or try to stop it at least, or observe it at least. The process is the best part of all of it, not the end, death is the end, process is in living! Why do I want to be at the end, where there is no where else to go, nothing left to experience and learn, and nothing left to gain?  Maybe because it is safe, it is the END, it is death.  Well, I don't want to be safe anymore.  I want to explore and be dangerous and try things out where I have no idea what ending they will bring, YEAH!  I want to not worry about failing because there is no failing in process, it is just a part of the process.  You cannot fail process, you can only not participate in it...
My goal will be to NOT think about where I am going, to NOT worry about what I am doing, or if I am succeeding or failing, my goal is to just BE and Do what I am doing for real without thinking about it.  I want to be surprised, I do.  I don't want to control anymore, I don't.  I want to follow my heart and soul, they are the best parts about me, I know that for sure, so what do I have to worry bout?  Thoughts are not even real, but my heart and soul is very real, and they have stuff to say, so I am going to listen.
Ok, hope you have a great day of processing...

~Jenn

don't try

This is going to be a busy week...busy busy busy.  Hi, by the way, it's monday, hope you all had a great weekend.  Mine was pretty good, pretty good as far as weekends go.
Anyway, I will have my first show this next weekend since my last show which was 5 years ago.  My first show in 5 years, new songs, new stuff, new peeps...looking forward to it, looking forward.  I am eating my oatmeal, loading up on some healthy stuff before all the unhealthy stuff begins...I am making my lists of things to do and getting ready to do the things I have to do.  Do Do DO is my key word this week,  because I always seem to think think think about what to do do do and now I am just going to do do do and actually do something without talking about it.  Or at least, I am going to try really hard really hard to do things.  Like open up, like say what I want and mean, like talk with words that I actually feel connected to and not with words that I feel sound good.  Like sing with commitment and belief and not just try to get the right note.
Ever wonder if we just try to hard and it's always about trying, but sometimes we gotta stop trying and just do whatever comes out, and it doesn't matter so much what it will be or look like or sound like, it will just be.  Sounds pretty impossible, to try to NOT try, but that's me I guess, I always aim for impossible, for the biggest challenge I can muster, for something that maybe will, once again, prove I am a complete and utter failure :)...joke.  but kinda true maybe.  Who knows, I need the couch again for that one ;)...BYE!  Happy monday, oh, and don't try to have one, just have a freakin happy monday!!!

~Jenn

huh???

Hi doc, thanks for taking me today
something has been bothering me for days and days
I thought I had a handle on it until he left for his trip
I didn't think I would care, but now I'm pulling out my hair
I didn't want this to happen doc, help me stop the fall
I'm fallin again, fallin again for the wrong kind of man
He's kind and he's sweet, yeah, I know you will say 'great'
but I don't think he wants the same things as me
he lives for the moment and I don't think he wants kids
and you know I live for love and future, and big family trips
I don't know what to do, I didn't want to like anyone
who wouldn't say I want you now and I want you forever and ever
and now I am just babbling please forgive me I'm a mess
I don't understand myself, fix me, fix me and this mess
Is there a drug I can take, something to make me forget
all the mistakes I made and make me see more clearly
that maybe the future for me is something I don't expect
maybe my life is something that will not be filled filled regret
maybe there is a man out there that will not neglect
my wishes, my desires, the passion that burns in me with fire
doc doc doc am I talking too much
you haven't said a thing, it's making me nervous
you think I'm crazy don't you don't you don't you
you probably think I can't be helped, don't you, don't you
just say it, I can take it, whatever, I get it
here's your money, thanks for nothing, you've been a great service to me
don't expect me to come back, you can't fix me, I see
I will just go about my life, I will be fine, you will see
I don't need you or anyone to make me feel complete
I have it going on, I have a lot, I can be free
of all my thoughts, worries, see, they are leaving me as we speak
bye doc, see you NOT, my work with you is finally complete.

(Ummmmmmmmm, okaaaayyyyyy????)
~Jenn...

Don't speak, please don't speak

Don't speak, please don't speak
I like what I think, I LIKE what I think
don't tell me what's real
cuz I'm lovin how I feel
who wants to know the truth
I just want to make love to you
don't say too much to ruin the mood
I like my thoughts about you, I do
don't speak or tell me what I need to know
let me guess, I will assume the best
you're perfect, so perfect before we begin
let's begin and begin and not let it end...
Don't you think it's funny how life is hard sometimes
it's amazing anything ever works out sometimes
I used to cry when hard times wore me down
when I didn't know how to make it through
now I laugh and whistle this tune...
life is hard, la di da da
it's always gonna be hard, so gotta be strong
gotta stop thinking it should be any easier
we made it this way, why not fill it with more laughter?
my teacher said if I studied my books
I would have it easy if I kept up my looks
my sister said I had it all with
my ability to run and overcome my downfalls
my spirit yells to me we should all be happy to be complete
but this isn't true and this belief will make me blue...
Don't speak don't speak, I'm liking what I see
don't tell me what's real cuz I'm loving how I feel
don't give me a lesson, I'm into my guessing
I just want to look at you and see you how I see you
I just want to be with you and see you how I see you
I just want to be with you and see you see you see you

~Jenn

F****

I just want answers, I have the questions already,
too many for me, too many for me, help me, help me
no answers are coming to make me feel more complete
not enough for me, not enough for me, help me, help me
just when I think something could work out
boom boom boom boom, time for another thought
I like you and you like me,
why can't we find out what could be?
seems so simple, seems so easy
the answer to this question, can't you see?
too much talking, talk talk talk talk
too much whining about stuff stuff stuff
it's a waste of a life that we will never see
what a shame it is to know what we could be
what a shame it is for us not to be happy
together together together together
you're scared, I'm insecure,
but it's all been done before
you think you're the only one having to risk
your feelings, your heart, your soul coming undone
I get sad because most people are not brave like me
I get sad cuz most people are not willing to be
happy, to be loved, to be secure, to be free
to take a chance, to try and dance, to open up and see
that being sad is the same thing as being happy
and being angry is the same thing as feeling sassy
its all the same, its all the same, just our human complexities
get over yourself, get over me, and it will all, once again,
be fucking easy, be fucking easy, be fuck fuck fuck fuckin easy.
FUCK!

~jenn

Ready, set, go!!!

It's time to grow up, time to step up into the world you are afraid to be in
It's time to behave, time to act your age, time to be responsible for everything you do
What are you afraid of?  I think we all are afraid.
What don't you think you can do, you won't know until you try, and why do you chose to hide instead of shine behind those sad eyes?
Enough already, enough enough.  Life is tough, tough, and falling down is rough, rough, but you can do it, we all can do it, I wish we believed in ourselves more than we fight ourselves.
I wish we all could realize that together we could do so much more than we think but instead of focusing on what could be we see what we want and what we feel unworthy of and the focus of that keeps us off our true path, I think, I think.
I'm still searching, and thank god still growing, and thank god still living because I want to figure it all out before I can't figure anything out anymore.  I have a job to do, whether I want to do it or not, it will still be out there and guiding me blindly to possibly a new chapter, but I have to read the 1st chapter even though I don't feel like it so much.
But I am not reading so well, I am not seeing the words well enough to understand it all and that is why it is hard for me to get through it right now.
But who taught me that life should be fun and easy and chill and happy and flowing without a challenge?  Maybe we all wish for the impossible, but what is possible is what we need to focus on, and it's possible, I think, I hope, to overcome the challenges once and for all instead of trying to pretend they don't exist and wish them away...
How to DO something, that is the question...and I am one who likes to think I know all the answers, but I don't know this one, I don't...maybe I will stop thinking for a little, and just walk right into the challenge and deal...dealing is different than thinking...and my brain is tired, so tired, my heart needs some beating, some heating up, some fighting energy towards a challenge...ok...ready, set, go!!!!

~Jenn

I'm missing you

I'm missing you , I'm missing you
I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't figure out what to do when I'm missing you, missing you
I'm a big girl in a small body, my heart is too big for my sensitivity, and I feel everything you don't want me to feel, and I'm missing you, missing you
I want to run away to a place where I don't feel anything but grace
I want to run away and hide somewhere where only peace resides
I want to run away and be someone else, someone who sees what could be
I want to run, run, run and keep going until I don't feel like going
I'm missing you, I'm missing you
I'm gonna do everything I need to do
I'm gonna pretend I can have some fun
I'm gonna be successful and frolic in the sun
and maybe one day my heart will forget you
and one day the place that hurts the most will be filled with something that doesn't infect me but protects me
and maybe one day I will be happy and not miss anyone
and maybe one day I will have a baby and say that they will be perfect in every way and my love will overcome everything that I have done and what I do will no longer have anything to do with missing you, never have anything to do with missing you...

but maybe, just maybe, this is wishful thinking and I will always miss you, always.

~Jenn

Today

Yesterday seems to always linger in my mind and then tomorrow comes to fast and I feel I need to unwind before I can actually feel present for today which will once again become yesterday.
Time is going too fast all the time and I want to slow it down to feel what I don't have time to feel but what I mostly want to do in the time that is going by is spend more time with you.
I want to take more time with you, I hope you know that I do, I hope you want it too
I want to sing and dance to new songs and watch a movie or two doing nothing and forgetting about yesterday and not worrying about tomorrow, but just being in today
I want to be in today with you, I don't even care if you're blue, I will be blue too
I want to talk about good times to come and imagine a time when we will chill out in the sun
I want to tell stories about yesterday and what caused us get to this place
and I want to look at you and say I want to be with you today.

~Jenn

Why can't you try

Your smile is now etched in the center of my mind
you're on your way to work and I'm thinking about our time
I wish our pages matched each other but I can tell you're way behind
I might need to turn my page to end up getting some peace

I know you know or I think you know or I hope you know
that I am right for you and good for you I know you know
but your fear and worry about the past is preventing me to get through
your baggage shouldn't be mine since I don't get to call you mine

Why can't you try why can't you try to open up and take a chance
I'm standing here, I'm willing to fall, it's nothing you haven't done before
it gonna be it's gonna be a better road than before
I can't promise anything but I can promise to be real and be me.

You're a big boy running away from something that might be great
You like to complain about your time alone but your the one to blame
Don't look away it won't fulfill that knot in your heart that hurts from before
I've been hurt too, it's nothing new, but baby baby Im standing here for you

Why can't you try why can't you try to take a chance on something new
why can't you say why cant you say that this might work one day
I'm in the same boat, I'm scared to fail, but I want to sail with you
ride the waves, feel the breeze, baby baby this is all brand new

I'll be your best friend I'll be your lover I'll stay honest and not smother
I might have rules, but I like to just wing it with you
see what comes up and not plan to mess anything up
but c'mon already it's time it's time to try this thing, I know it's the REAL THING!

Why can't you try why can't you try to take a chance on something new
Why can't you see why can't you see that this is a good thing you and me
We can play we can be we can cherish what we already have
we can make a new plan and figure something that joins both our hands...

Why can't you try why can't you try why can't you say why can't you say
why can't you see why can't you see baby baby this is real between you and me.

~Jenn

Ok, fine.

I had a good day yesterday, a really good day.  I had my first day recording a new song, actually it is a set of 4 songs, and the guy playing drums was brought in to play on the album and he was so amazing.  He had played with the eagles and steve miller band and van morrison just to name a few, and he was great.  And then there was the guitar player, yikes, so amazing it makes me want to pinch myself that all of these great musicians are wanting and willing to play MY songs...I still don't understand it so much, but hey, I am gonna go with it.
Then, I get home and I can't sleep and I wake up a lot in the middle of the night into my nighttime depression.  I can't stop worrying and thinking about the future and having a family and am I focusing on something that doesn't bring me that and I am still not over a guy who I talk to daily and I haven't heard from him in a couple of days and that makes me so sad, so sad it erases everything good that came out of the day and everything good that I have going for me.
Maybe this is just life.  No matter how good something can be, there probably is something bad sitting in your mind, right next to the good feeling, and they just wait their turns to show themselves to you.  Thank god they take their turns because for a while it seems that the bad feelings bully out all the good feelings in there.  But now, they seem to be equally showing their faces to me, so maybe that is what I should be more happy about, that it is progress towards happiness.  I want to be happy like everyone else probably wants to be happy and I am on that road.  Some people would say I should be happy no matter way, because I am alive and smart and young and not hungry and not cold, and yes, this is all true, but what is also true is that I am not happy.  I'm not.  Maybe I will never be happy, maybe happiness is moments like sadness is moments, it is all just moment to moment, breathing, living, doing...but there has to be a base of something deep inside of us all, no? Something away from fear and loneliness and neediness and unworthiness...no?  Maybe not, maybe this is just me, take it or leave it....eeeeehhhhhhh.  Ok, fine.

~Jenn

I like you

I am looking at you, watching your every move
I like your vibe, I like your stride
I like that you have some insecurities
it reminds me a little of me
I like that you are into your responsibilities
and that I can talk to you easily
I am not used to making the first move
I am not even sure if I know what to do
but I am finding myself liking you, it's true
so what do you say about hanging out, me and you?
I have someone in my life, I won't lie
someone I like but has not taken me for a bride
the bags I carry might be too big for you
but I can handle the mess for you, will you?
I haven't liked anyone in awhile
then you came along and made me smile
and I keep smiling when you're standing near,
I have to tell you I am just happy to be here.
I should have a chorus at this point of my song
something chic or cool to turn you on
something melodic so you can sing along
but I just like you so much I'm not sure what else to say
I want to say come with me, lets run away and play
so there ya go, I am sayin what I feel
haven't been able to do that and be real
you have already brought me to another place
I hope you know with me, we will win the race
to happiness, to peace, and all I know you crave
I would love you until I burry you in your grave ;)

~Jenn

I like you

I am looking at you, watching your every move
I like your vibe, I like your stride
I like that you have some insecurities
it reminds me a little of me
I like that you are into your responsibilities
and that I can talk to you easily
I am not used to making the first move
I am not even sure if I know what to do
but I am finding myself liking you, it's true
so what do you say about hanging out, me and you?
I have someone in my life, I won't lie
someone I like but has not taken me for a bride
the bags I carry might be too big for you
but I can handle the mess for you, will you?
I haven't liked anyone in awhile
then you came along and made me smile
and I keep smiling when you're standing near,
I have to tell you I am just happy to be here.
I should have a chorus at this point of my song
something chic or cool to turn you on
something melodic so you can sing along
but I just like you so much I'm not sure what else to say
I want to say come with me, lets run away and play
so there ya go, I am sayin what I feel
haven't been able to do that and be real
you have already brought me to another place
I hope you know with me, we will win the race
to happiness, to peace, and all I know you crave
I would love you until I burry you in your grave ;)

~Jenn

not sure what to call this one

I want to love you for one more day
knowing how much I will miss you when you're gone
I want to tell you for one more day
how much I loved you before you go away

I didn't think I would miss you this much
you smile, your sense, and your touch
I didn't think I would remember times
you stayed with me and by my side

do you think we did the right thing, breaking up our thing
do you think we should try again, or maybe try being friends
do you think this pain will go away and we will be happy one day
or do you think we can work it through, baby, that's what I want to do...

I didn't mean to brush you off
I didn't want to close the door
I didn't mean to turn my back
on your who I love more and more and more and more and more...

One more try, I know I can make it right
give me a chance and I will get this right
I know what I will miss and I don't want to miss you
I want you with me and whatever it takes, I will do

Just give me one more day so I can prove to you
Just give me one more day so I can love you
Just give me one more day and you will see it too
working it out is better than breaking it up

~Jenn

aaaaahhhhhhhhhh

that is all I could think to say right now...aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh...I wake up today and my phone is dead, completely dead, and I am praying I go to the store and everything will not be lost that was in my phone, but I feel lost!  What was I supposed to do today, who did I need to call, what messages am I not getting, aaaaahhhhhhhhh....we are, or I am so attached to the phone it is scary, scary, I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing today???
BUT, last night was such a good night for me...I did my first open mic, trying out a new song, and it was fun, very fun...and my friend came and we had fun, lots of fun, and did I say, it was fun?  FUN!
Ok, gotta go get a new phone, wish me luck!!!

~Jenn

roller coaster

Say goodbye, say hello, you won't hurt me if you don't go
but go, you should go, so I don't keep going down down down real slow
say goodbye, say hello, stay a part of this crazy flow
we made it then we fall again and again and again and then you call
say hello, say goodbye, I can do it this time, I can I can I can
I feel strong and complete, I feel this is better for me, for me
say hello, say goodbye, it's our time to act good, to act right, this time
we should've said goodbye way before this time
but let's do it another time, not feelin like doin it this time
say hello say hello just say hello, and let's just go with the flow.

I'm ready

Sometimes you get to a point in your life where you are just ready to make the choice that you have been meaning to make for 10 years, but you weren't ready to make the choice 10 years ago, even though you knew in your gut you needed to make the choice, but now you are ready, you feel ready, you are not scared anymore, and you are ready.  Very exciting, because I am feeling ready now.  Ready to step into something real, something intimate, something challenging, something gratifying, something less exciting than a roller coaster ride, something called life and commitment and family.  I am ready and willing finally, and I can't explain how it all came about, but you always hear timing is everything and life happens to you in way that you cannot explain all the time, and just when you think everything can never get any better, well, surprise, it actually can, it can!
Do the right thing, we all know what that is, do the harder thing, the one that makes you better and more you, do the kinder thing, the one that helps others along with you, and do the humble thing, the one that puts others in front of you.  The answers always come along when you least expect them, but asking the questions and then listening for the answers is all you need to do, so you don't miss them.
I am scared of doing the wrong thing sometimes, scared of being worse than before, scared of disappointing you who I love, scared of failing you who I adore, scared of failing me who I despise sometimes :).
Everyone' sacred, I realize this, so who cares. really, who cares anymore?  Life is so short, that is what you learn when you grow up, and the lucky one's figure it out before they die, and the unlucky one's end up living with their mistake.  I want to be the lucky one, I am the lucky one because I am not dead yet and I am wanting to live and live with fear and being scared and being human and being a failure at times because one day failing might seem a lot better than dying.  Looking on the bright side, I can easily say, 'hey, I am just failing, I'm not dying :)'...I feel like I am woody allen's daughter, the fact that I talk/think about death every day of my life, where did this come from?  I guess it is easier to keep death in my world daily, keep it close to me now so when it actually does come, it will feel like an old friend knocking on my door and not some cruel enemy....at least maybe this could be?
Anyway, I am ready to wake up, ready to get out of my dream and into the world again.  I am ready again to fail, or fall, one more time, and with that, I feel I have succeeded in everything :)

~Jenn

It's all about you

It's cold today, the sky is grey, my mood reflects this dreary day

It's morning now, my coffee brewing, one pleasure to get me going

another day to think and reflect, and then act in ways people expect

But it's always about you, it's all about you

I hate feelin blue and stuck in a moment that's all about you

I hate feelin trapped in a choice that has me locked in my past

I hate feelin alone when all I need to do is say goodbye to you

I hate feelin scared to take care of me with no one beside me

The sun is peeping out, timid and shy and not sure of it's sky

heading to work it out, burn it through, all the errands to do

it all starts to mean nothing when you don't live for anything

it all seems empty when I perceive others to have plenty

I know I am hard on myself, my mom taught me how

and I thought it was better to listen than to rebel

but now being hard on myself brings more punishment 

and life is not promising when it is full of resentments

Yesterday I had a moment to think I'd be better off calling it quits

but I would miss you, and I wouldn't want to hurt you, it's still all about you

call me devoted or call me retarded, call me hopeless or call me passionate

but it's still always about you, it's all about you.

~Jenn

Peace

I couldn't sleep last night thinkin about things

between you and me, I have no peace

the things you said and didn't say

the things I wish I didn't communicate

I wonder if I am just too old for all of this

I wonder if I am never gonna get it right

if everything will always end in a fight

did I not learn how to handle being together

having a love or a friend to last forever

did I not learn the appropriate measures

of handling this and living with pleasure ...

or is it just that I have not yet found THE ONE for me

oh where oh where can I get a little peace...

peace, peace, peace, give me peace, peace, peace...

I ran into a friend just yesterday

she told me she finally found a love for her

and she waiting years and years, doubting the same way

and then one day he came to her

and she was ready to start with him

and they are living a happy story

one that I am searching for religiously.

I don't like when I feel pessimistic

since hope is a quality that gets me through

the empty lonely moments in time

I look forward and believe in a better time

but the doubts are blinding and cause me to believe

what if this is all there is for me

and then I have no peace

and life doesn't seem worthwhile anymore

and all my days become a chore

then I think how dare I feel ungrateful for my life

my gift that some don't have as fortunate as me

and then I feel the hatred coming on

because I am stuck in a time that suffering is normal

and I keep believing that I might only have this

and that scares me and makes me feel a sort of punishment

what did I do wrong, where did I fall short

is it me that just doesn't have the right mentality

if I know where to go and what to expect

I think that would be better than living in disrespect

of myself, of my choices, I am just angry right now

leave me alone until I teach myself how

to be happy again, and have faith to believe

that everything is happening for me to find peace.

Peace.

~Jenn

do you know

I wonder if you know
do you know
how many things I don't say to you
do you know?
I don't know why I don't
but I think the reason is cuz
I want to save you from the thoughts that go by
in my mind and I don't want to start anything up
so I choose to stay stuck
in my place where I know
these things and keep these things inside
not to lie
but to save you from the truth.

Don't want you to know things that are hard to show
don't want you to see the insecurities in me
don't want you to say you're sorry, it's all okay
don't want you to know what I cannot show.

I wonder if you think
do you think
about the times I've cried and pretended
all was okay, do you think of those days
I don't but I think the reason is cuz
I want to save you from the thoughts that go by
in my mind and I don't want to start anything up
so I choose to stay stuck
in my place where I know
these things and keep these things inside
not to lie
but to save you from the truth.

The truth, however, is ...
I want to be loved
I want to love
I want a friend to be my lover
I want a lover to last forever and
I want to be one with everyone
I want to be one with everyone.

~Jenn  (Say NO to drugs :) )

Secrets

Secrets .  I hate secrets.  and we all tell them, we do, that's NO secret.
But why?  I want to know why we all have to tell secrets when isn't it a goal that we all want to connect and know one another?  Connecting is always something I want to do, to be seen, to be heard, to be known, and THEN to be loved.  And to love someone you know and see and hear and trust and want to know more of.  The real deal.  So, why do we, or why do I, tell so many secrets?
It must be based in fear, that is my deduction.  If NOT telling secrets means connecting, then telling secrets means disconnecting and not being seen or heard.  And if you don't want to connect or be seen, then there must be a fear about it.  Maybe, the real thing wouldn't make the other person see you in a good way, or maybe they wouldn't want to love or connect with you if they knew the truth and not the secret.  But the secret leads to more secrets which leads to more disconnecting and how can anyone actually feel loved when they are not telling people the whole truth about themselves?
And why am I talking about this?  I don't know, but I hate feeling like I am not worthy of asking certain questions from people, or not worthy of hearing the answer, or hate feeling like they don't want to answer my question because they don't want me to know something.  I don't like that feeling.  It makes them come across as not to be trusted, and I want to trust, I want to be trusted.
And one more thing I really can't stand.  Saying 'I love you' to someone who doesn't say it back...how hurtful is that?  And you know they love you, or they have said it in the past, but if they haven't said it in a long time, and then you are feeling like you need to hear it, and then they don't say it, it is painful, and I would even call it cruel, no?  And then of course, you don't want to tell them you are hurt by it, that will make it worse, you want to play it cool, so again, an unsaid truth is becoming now a secret...yuck.  Am I just too fuckin senstive?  I want to know, but it hurts my feelings either way, it just does...

~jenn

Through My Eyes

You are the most handsome man I know
Your kisses are as sweet as chocolate
You have such an honest soul
through my eyes

Your dedication to our true love
to your persistence in your work
I now rate you far and above
through my eyes

Through my eyes I see the strength you give to me
with the love you give I really want to live
through my eyes I know that our true love will grow
and that will help you see the man you're meant to be

As my companion you are my guide
and my soul mate forever
always my best friend and by my side
through my eyes...

~Jenn

I'm just not into you

I think you're great, I really do
your face, your smile say a lot about you
you're nice, you're kind, it's really all there
I don't know why, I'm just not into you

I feel bad, I do, but it's better for you
if you know today than in a year or two
you should be with someone who wants you
and it's not me, I'm just not into you

        Don't be blue, your day will come, don't be blue, I'm not the only one
        I don't want to hurt you but hear the truth, I'm just not into you

If you want to know, it's that you're too nice
you like everything I do and you have no spice
It's boring, really, to not have complaints,
worries or drama, too simple your ways

I told myself to give it a try
you wanted me bad so I wanted to try
but when it's not there, I cannot lie
I have no love, not feelin it, I'm just not into you.

          Don't be blue, your day will come, don't be blue, I'm not the only one
          I don't want to hurt you but hear the truth, I'm just not into you

I'm sorry, so sorry, but I cannot force it
I loved before and this doesn't feel close to it
I'm sorry so sorry, I wish I felt more than nothing
Maybe I'm not over my ex who took everything...

It happened to me, back one day
I loved a boy and thought he was the one
for me it was true, this one was so true
then he said to me, I'm just not into you...

          Don't be blue, your day will come, don't be blue, I'm not the only one
          I don't want to hurt you but hear the truth, I'm just not into you

~Jenn

I don't wanna get old

I don't want to get old.  I really mean this .  Really.
I went to visit my grandmother yesterday who just had a little accident, so she is in a recovery facility for the moment.  This is a woman, 91 year old woman, who has lived by herself for 91 years.  She makes her own dinner.  She drives to the grocery store (maybe not very smart), she does crossword puzzles, she has 2 great grandchildren, has outlived her friends and her 2 loves, and watches the NY Giants!  She is cool, so cool, so when she fell and hurt her shoulder and got bruised up, she was not expecting to NOT be able to do anything herself, or to have to be at the mercy of everyone to help her walk, eat, move, go to the bathroom, etc...I felt so bad seeing her this way, and I could tell how depressed she was, so depressed.  I can't imagine having such a full life, whoever you are, and then going out with such a slow, painful, humiliating to a degree, ending.  I just can't take it.  I wanna be benjamen button.  I wanna end on the best note possible...wait, I take that back.  Maybe we are supposed to end on a bad note so we will want to go, we will want to get out of THIS life and maybe onto the next one.  Hmmmmmmm, that seems like it could work.  But, either way, seeing my grandmother yesterday, and also seeing her children so caring and helpful, it really told me that family is so important and we need each other in the end, we NEED each other, and here I am not even with any kids yet.  Here I am worrying about myself, my music, my schedule, me me me me me...I need to get my shiat together, me me me me me not gonna help me in the end...and I don't even life myself that much !!!!!
~Jenn