I have a bunker mentality at times
because I lack some spirituality at times
and my state of conditionality at times
makes my mind run, and run and run...
anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
Look at me, what do you see
I like you today, but tomorrow, tomorrow
you seem slow, different, weird, funny,
you're not good enough for me...
anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
I want what you have, what you have
how do I get it without losing myself
it seems so easy when I watch and see
how to pretend, how you seem to be...
anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
I'm running to stop and breath deep
I'm praying I come out okay today
I'm begging you to listen to me
and I want to let it all go away...
anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
You say what you mean but then one day
I see you act another way, you say
manipulate, contemplate, and coordinate
and then let go, be still, just flow...
anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
I don't sleep, but I want to lie with you
I can't eat but I want to cook for you
I'm running to be one with you today
tomorrow what will come my way...
anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
I want to know everything
I can't hold on to anything
teach me what I need to know
help me learn to show
my feelings for real, for real
open me up so I can feel, feel
hear me to I can let go of me
I'm tired of holding onto me
anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
~Jenn
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Life, death, and the pursuit of ?????
Life, death, and the pursuit of...???
What are we actually pursuing? I can't say it's happiness because we fight all the time, we lie all the time, we cheat, we steal, we kill...and I'm not that smart, but I DO know that THAT is not a way to bring happiness into the world...
I can't say it's love because we torture ourselves with working too hard, not spending time with our families because we have to make more money, going after a title or a document that says we are good when really, we still go home to emptiness and worry and stress and unhappiness...
I can't say it's peace when everyday we fight to get our own space...everyday we compete with the guy next door, or choose to go to another country, another war...fighting for our own beliefs like we know all the answers when really, what is a belief and who are we to know what to believe?
I CAN say we are running in circles, pursuing a world that we have made some sense of in our heads, but a world that is not big enough for the actual world...in 100 years, maybe less, no one will be thinking about us, no one will really be caring about us, and all of our worries and judgements and truths will be for what? what are we pursuing when really, there is NOTHING to pursue, NOTHING to accomplish but possibly a little joy while we are here, a small piece of life that will come and go like everything else does in the world...we are beings, that's it, it's not that important and yet it is extremely important because we are...we ARE something, and everyone is the same thing, and everyone is NOTHING AND EVERYTHING...yes, I know, it's so simple that it is probably the most complicated concept to see...I am trying to see it, and with the trying part, I am NOT seeing it...and in some time, it won't even matter...because none of this really matters, but it all matters at the same time...hmmmmmmmm...say NO to drugs :)
Life, death, and ...
~Jenn
What are we actually pursuing? I can't say it's happiness because we fight all the time, we lie all the time, we cheat, we steal, we kill...and I'm not that smart, but I DO know that THAT is not a way to bring happiness into the world...
I can't say it's love because we torture ourselves with working too hard, not spending time with our families because we have to make more money, going after a title or a document that says we are good when really, we still go home to emptiness and worry and stress and unhappiness...
I can't say it's peace when everyday we fight to get our own space...everyday we compete with the guy next door, or choose to go to another country, another war...fighting for our own beliefs like we know all the answers when really, what is a belief and who are we to know what to believe?
I CAN say we are running in circles, pursuing a world that we have made some sense of in our heads, but a world that is not big enough for the actual world...in 100 years, maybe less, no one will be thinking about us, no one will really be caring about us, and all of our worries and judgements and truths will be for what? what are we pursuing when really, there is NOTHING to pursue, NOTHING to accomplish but possibly a little joy while we are here, a small piece of life that will come and go like everything else does in the world...we are beings, that's it, it's not that important and yet it is extremely important because we are...we ARE something, and everyone is the same thing, and everyone is NOTHING AND EVERYTHING...yes, I know, it's so simple that it is probably the most complicated concept to see...I am trying to see it, and with the trying part, I am NOT seeing it...and in some time, it won't even matter...because none of this really matters, but it all matters at the same time...hmmmmmmmm...say NO to drugs :)
Life, death, and ...
~Jenn
Friday, July 29, 2011
I have a dream we live in peace
Be here
it's hard to do
be real
I want to see you
lose control, lose your mind
stop whatever you are 'trying'
and do it, do it, do it,
be it, be it, be it
see it, see it, see it.
I have a vision and a dream
but to get it I need to be
believe in what you can have
believe in what you can achieve
and follow it, see it, live it.
I believe I am here for you
with homework we need to do
and gifts to give one another
before it's all gonna be over.
I know you have something for me
cuz I have something for you
but if you don't know what it is
let go and lose the control
be whatever you are right now
see whatever you see right now
stop, look, don't move
I'm here, you're there, stay still
and do it, do it, do it,
be it, be it, be it,
see it, see it, see it.
It's time, it's today, it's now
tomorrow is a whole day away
I'm not looking forward
I'm not looking back
because I have dream to be me
and I have a dream for you to see
and I have a dream you come with me...
cuz I have a dream we bring more peace,
and I have a dream we see more peace.
~Jenn
it's hard to do
be real
I want to see you
lose control, lose your mind
stop whatever you are 'trying'
and do it, do it, do it,
be it, be it, be it
see it, see it, see it.
I have a vision and a dream
but to get it I need to be
believe in what you can have
believe in what you can achieve
and follow it, see it, live it.
I believe I am here for you
with homework we need to do
and gifts to give one another
before it's all gonna be over.
I know you have something for me
cuz I have something for you
but if you don't know what it is
let go and lose the control
be whatever you are right now
see whatever you see right now
stop, look, don't move
I'm here, you're there, stay still
and do it, do it, do it,
be it, be it, be it,
see it, see it, see it.
It's time, it's today, it's now
tomorrow is a whole day away
I'm not looking forward
I'm not looking back
because I have dream to be me
and I have a dream for you to see
and I have a dream you come with me...
cuz I have a dream we bring more peace,
and I have a dream we see more peace.
~Jenn
Thursday, July 28, 2011
The End...(for today)
So... I do a lot of wondering...and as I wonder, I realize I do a lot of thinking and as I think, I tend to look out the window...I have an exact window with a chair and a lighter if I feel like smoking and I sit and look...and as I look out the window, I start to question everything... and then I wonder again about why I am here (here being on this earth, in this life, who I am...yes, very deep)...and after that I tend to get more overwhelmed with not knowing anything, so I start rejecting anything that comes my way because of my state of utter confusion and neuroses...but, I think I use all that as an excuse because the real reason I am rejecting is because I am stuck on something else, something that was rejecting me, something that maybe wasn't so healthy for me, something that possibly I needed to let go of to be free. And, once I am able to let go, surrender, then I am open to a crush, yes a crush like the one's in high school where you don't really care about it being right or wrong, but you care about the crush and if it can ever leave the ground, take off into something real...so while you are waiting for all that to happen, or I should say, while I am waiting, I pray...I pray for the crush to work out, I pray for the person to feel the same way, to let them know I am thinking about them and they should say hi once in a while...and when praying doesn't work out, well, then, THAT'S when I'm on my knees and BEGGING...yes, I am begging for something I want so bad because I have so much love in me to give and so much in me to want to receive, so I beg...and guess what? Some of the time God actually grants me a wish or two or three when I want, I just don't know exactly when it will all come my way...but I get to love and be free and my wish is granted for a short time and I get to frolic on the beach and smell the flowers and talk until the sun comes out ...and when THAT doesn't work out, when THAT has it's own issues, then I end my day, my years, my life with hope...hope that the NEXT beginning doesn't have an end...and for some reason if it does because that has sort of been my experience, then you know what? I am going to hope that the NEXT NEXT beginning doesn't end... and one day, I KNOW, and God knows, that one beginning, and all you need is one beginning, ONE beginning is NOT going to end and then I will just be ending when I die, that will be the final end...get it? (It always comes back to death with me!!)
THE END ;)
~Jenn
THE END ;)
~Jenn
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
It's okay to dream
It's okay to dream
when the dream becomes a plan that was handed to you
when all you can imagine is how to make the dream come true
when you're scared that it might be the only thing your heart wants to do
it's okay to dream.
It's okay to dream
when nights are sleepless with worry and excitement
and days are spent working towards becoming enlightened
and all you can think about is the passion that could be brightened
it's okay to dream.
We all can have dreams once in a while,
and when we fall going towards them, we learn how to get closer to them
the journey to the dream is what we will remember forever
and what we tell our friends and family, the beginnings of an end.
It's okay to dream, I believe in dreams
it's okay to fight for what we know is right
and it's okay to love without getting it back
it's okay to be ourselves without needing a pat on the back
it's all okay if we are who we are,
do you know who you are?
I think we are all stars...
lighting up the dark nights,
taking care of each others scars,
the world is so beautiful tonight...
it's okay to dream.
~Jenn
when the dream becomes a plan that was handed to you
when all you can imagine is how to make the dream come true
when you're scared that it might be the only thing your heart wants to do
it's okay to dream.
It's okay to dream
when nights are sleepless with worry and excitement
and days are spent working towards becoming enlightened
and all you can think about is the passion that could be brightened
it's okay to dream.
We all can have dreams once in a while,
and when we fall going towards them, we learn how to get closer to them
the journey to the dream is what we will remember forever
and what we tell our friends and family, the beginnings of an end.
It's okay to dream, I believe in dreams
it's okay to fight for what we know is right
and it's okay to love without getting it back
it's okay to be ourselves without needing a pat on the back
it's all okay if we are who we are,
do you know who you are?
I think we are all stars...
lighting up the dark nights,
taking care of each others scars,
the world is so beautiful tonight...
it's okay to dream.
~Jenn
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I want you on my team
Games are all about learning what you're good at
getting it right
under stress and hard times
and winning is hard to do,
harder to do it right
but I know one thing
I want you on my team
playing the game with me.
Struggles are all about
seeing what needs more work
weaknesses shining through
being vulnerable when it's hard to pull through
but I know one thing
I want you on my team
struggling with me.
I want you on my team, reaching for our dream,
I want you on my team, going after everything
Call my name I'll always have your back,
I want you on my team, and we'll never look back.
Family is all about love and sticking together
committing for life
under stress and hard times
standing strong when it's hard to do
loving even when you don't want to
and I know one thing
I want you on my team
having a family with me.
~jenn
getting it right
under stress and hard times
and winning is hard to do,
harder to do it right
but I know one thing
I want you on my team
playing the game with me.
Struggles are all about
seeing what needs more work
weaknesses shining through
being vulnerable when it's hard to pull through
but I know one thing
I want you on my team
struggling with me.
I want you on my team, reaching for our dream,
I want you on my team, going after everything
Call my name I'll always have your back,
I want you on my team, and we'll never look back.
Family is all about love and sticking together
committing for life
under stress and hard times
standing strong when it's hard to do
loving even when you don't want to
and I know one thing
I want you on my team
having a family with me.
I want you on my team, reaching for our dream,
I want you on my team, going after everything
Call my name I'll always have your back,
I want you on my team, and we'll never look back.
~jenn
Monday, July 25, 2011
everybody knows you can take it or leave it
Everybody knows you can take it or leave it
I know when things don't seem so easy
it's time for a change,
might be best to walk down a brighter path
one that won't compute with math
but I will know it's right when dark turns to light
and the unknown become a little more known
when I feel I have choices
and I can take it or leave it, you can take it or leave it
I'm not just talking about love here
anything can flow or get stuck
and I know it's time to leave a place if I'm in a rut
and I know it's time to see it through
if the challenge is one I need to stand up to
and everybody knows you can take it or leave it
everybody knows you can take it or leave it
my father said to push through
that I could do whatever I wanted to do
my mother said don't make life any harder
than it is, to choose a path that fits
and I say I'm gonna try whatever my heart desires
and I know I can take it or leave it
when things don't go my way
and I know I can take it or leave it
if I feel overwhelmed most days
and I know I can take it or leave it
if the love goes away
and I know I can take it or leave it
and work towards better days
everybody knows you can take it or leave it
and follow all your dreams
everybody knows you can take it or leave it
as we all look for more love, more peace.
~Jenn
I know when things don't seem so easy
it's time for a change,
might be best to walk down a brighter path
one that won't compute with math
but I will know it's right when dark turns to light
and the unknown become a little more known
when I feel I have choices
and I can take it or leave it, you can take it or leave it
I'm not just talking about love here
anything can flow or get stuck
and I know it's time to leave a place if I'm in a rut
and I know it's time to see it through
if the challenge is one I need to stand up to
and everybody knows you can take it or leave it
everybody knows you can take it or leave it
my father said to push through
that I could do whatever I wanted to do
my mother said don't make life any harder
than it is, to choose a path that fits
and I say I'm gonna try whatever my heart desires
and I know I can take it or leave it
when things don't go my way
and I know I can take it or leave it
if I feel overwhelmed most days
and I know I can take it or leave it
if the love goes away
and I know I can take it or leave it
and work towards better days
everybody knows you can take it or leave it
and follow all your dreams
everybody knows you can take it or leave it
as we all look for more love, more peace.
~Jenn
Sunday, July 24, 2011
The only thing to do is the right thing to do
I'm hearing voices, coming from the left, coming from the right
the right is screaming at me to do something different, something right
and the left wants to take my hand and show me a different place
I've been there before, I've done the wrong thing, and with you, with you
I want to do the right thing, it feels like the only thing to do
I'm hearing voices, coming from my head, coming from my heart
they both say something different, I get confused from the start
where am I supposed to go, what am I supposed to do with you
all I want is to be close to you, but these voices are scaring me from you
but I want to do the right thing, it feels like the only thing to do
When I want to run, I'm not gonna call you, not gonna talk to you
I'm gonna test you and see if you're gonna miss me and find a way
to get through to me
the test will show me what I am scared to ask myself, but I will find out either way
which way I'm gonna go with you, what the voices are gonna push me to do
I don't like to see any pain in the world, it hurts me and keeps me away
from doing the right thing some of the time
with you I don't want to make you sad, I always want to take care of you
but I fear you don't always trust that these intentions of mine are true
what can I say to get through to you, if only you could hear my voices inside
telling me I want to do the right thing with you, it's the only thing to do
the only thing to do is the right thing to do
even when I'm sad and not feeling like I want to talk to you
even if I'm selfish and feeling like I want to get away from you
even when I'm mean and wanting to scream at you
deep down I want to do the right thing, it's the only thing to do
the only thing to do is the right thing to do
Voices in my head, voices going round and round
wrong and right, dark and light
I know what to follow and what to toss into the night
the only thing to do it the right thing to do
the only thing to do is the right thing to do.
~Jenn
the right is screaming at me to do something different, something right
and the left wants to take my hand and show me a different place
I've been there before, I've done the wrong thing, and with you, with you
I want to do the right thing, it feels like the only thing to do
I'm hearing voices, coming from my head, coming from my heart
they both say something different, I get confused from the start
where am I supposed to go, what am I supposed to do with you
all I want is to be close to you, but these voices are scaring me from you
but I want to do the right thing, it feels like the only thing to do
When I want to run, I'm not gonna call you, not gonna talk to you
I'm gonna test you and see if you're gonna miss me and find a way
to get through to me
the test will show me what I am scared to ask myself, but I will find out either way
which way I'm gonna go with you, what the voices are gonna push me to do
I don't like to see any pain in the world, it hurts me and keeps me away
from doing the right thing some of the time
with you I don't want to make you sad, I always want to take care of you
but I fear you don't always trust that these intentions of mine are true
what can I say to get through to you, if only you could hear my voices inside
telling me I want to do the right thing with you, it's the only thing to do
the only thing to do is the right thing to do
even when I'm sad and not feeling like I want to talk to you
even if I'm selfish and feeling like I want to get away from you
even when I'm mean and wanting to scream at you
deep down I want to do the right thing, it's the only thing to do
the only thing to do is the right thing to do
Voices in my head, voices going round and round
wrong and right, dark and light
I know what to follow and what to toss into the night
the only thing to do it the right thing to do
the only thing to do is the right thing to do.
~Jenn
Saturday, July 23, 2011
get up and go
Am I too nice, I gotta get it right
I'm looking for balance so I can sleep at night
Am I too mean, when you hear me scream
I get frustrated when you don't get what I mean
get up and go, you seem so slow
get up and go, down the beaten road
get up and go, life is tickin away
get up and go, it's over before you know...
My dad used a hand when I got sassy
my mom used a room to punish me
I didn't like my family, they didn't understand me
I had to run away, needed to be more free
I found my way to sports and success
I rose above my peers as I progressed
I didn't think about how I felt inside
everything around me seemed right at the time
I hated laziness and never needed to relax
I wanted to work and go forward not back
but one day I started crying, it felt like there was no end
I felt nothing, I felt empty, I didn't feel anything like my friends
who was I when all I felt was stronger and better
who was I when all I was inside was dry as leather
who was I without any friends or family
who was I, who was I, I just wanted to die...
~Jenn
I'm looking for balance so I can sleep at night
Am I too mean, when you hear me scream
I get frustrated when you don't get what I mean
get up and go, you seem so slow
get up and go, down the beaten road
get up and go, life is tickin away
get up and go, it's over before you know...
My dad used a hand when I got sassy
my mom used a room to punish me
I didn't like my family, they didn't understand me
I had to run away, needed to be more free
I found my way to sports and success
I rose above my peers as I progressed
I didn't think about how I felt inside
everything around me seemed right at the time
I hated laziness and never needed to relax
I wanted to work and go forward not back
but one day I started crying, it felt like there was no end
I felt nothing, I felt empty, I didn't feel anything like my friends
who was I when all I felt was stronger and better
who was I when all I was inside was dry as leather
who was I without any friends or family
who was I, who was I, I just wanted to die...
get up and go, you seem so slow
get up and go, down the beaten road
get up and go, life is tickin away
get up and go, it's over before you know...
~Jenn
Friday, July 22, 2011
Patience of Job
My nose is at the ground, more like at my computer
I'm waking up early, drinking coffee in my car
reporting in and calling out my name when you shout
I'm giving you my all, and that's about all I can do
because I have patience, patience of job
I have dream that I am looking towards fulfilling
no one's gonna tell me that I can't succeed fulfilling
not my family, not my friends, and not me last of all
and I'm not giving up even if I fall...
because I have patience, patience of job
I'm gonna work hard, patience of job
I'm gonna follow my own rules, patience of job
I'm not gonna stop, patience of job
and I'm gonna deserve all I got, patience of job
find me a winner who doesn't know how to commit
It's not in the cards to give up and submit
I'm gonna show everyone what I have to give
and I'm gonna teach myself how I want to live
Because I have patience, patience of job...
I'm waking up early, drinking coffee in my car
reporting in and calling out my name when you shout
I'm giving you my all, and that's about all I can do
because I have patience, patience of job
I have dream that I am looking towards fulfilling
no one's gonna tell me that I can't succeed fulfilling
not my family, not my friends, and not me last of all
and I'm not giving up even if I fall...
because I have patience, patience of job
I'm gonna work hard, patience of job
I'm gonna follow my own rules, patience of job
I'm not gonna stop, patience of job
and I'm gonna deserve all I got, patience of job
find me a winner who doesn't know how to commit
It's not in the cards to give up and submit
I'm gonna show everyone what I have to give
and I'm gonna teach myself how I want to live
Because I have patience, patience of job...
I'm gonna work hard, patience of job
I'm gonna follow my own rules, patience of job
I'm not gonna stop, patience of job
and I'm gonna deserve all I got, patience of job
I followed the best and now you're gonna follow
you will never be your best if you choose to wallow
and it's ok to fail once in a while
it will teach you what to fight and what to allow
and it's all about patience, patience of job...
and I'm gonna work hard, patience of job
I'm gonna follow my own rules, patience of job
I'm not gonna stop, patience of job
and I'm gonna deserve all I got, patience of job
I got patience of job, patience of job...
~Jenn
Thursday, July 21, 2011
You know how to change your life?
You know how to change your life?
How?
Start changing your behavior?
How?
Ask yourself... why am I going to act this way, and is it healthy or not and if it's not a healthy choice then do something more healthy and see how your life will change...
I don't get it?
Ok, so I am going out with a guy and I act a certain way which is always just an act and then I feel like I don't like him because I don't say what I am really thinking or feeling...I am going to change that way of being and basically do something a little more scary for a change, be real and honest, and then watch what happens...that experience will change, and I am just saying that if I appy this in everything, my life will change for the better.
Hmmmmmmmmm...
Yes, I know it is hard to understand, but it will work.
Ok?
And you know what else I think is going to work?
What?
I am going to try and stop thinking so much about everything and I am going to try and stop worrying so much about everything and I am going to start feeling things out more and if I have a thought that is not making me feel good, I am gonna toss it to the side and if I have a person that I am feeling good around, I am gonna not worry about it and I will just start feeling more joy and less anxiety...I'm gonna try.
Ok, maybe I should try it too?
Yes, do! And then tell someone like I told you and let's start a train of awareness and joy and change for the better...if my life can be better, so can yours and so can someone else's and let's keep it going until everyone can hear what we are trying to do, does that make sense?
Yes, it does!
Ok, then...ready, set, go!!!
~Jenn
How?
Start changing your behavior?
How?
Ask yourself... why am I going to act this way, and is it healthy or not and if it's not a healthy choice then do something more healthy and see how your life will change...
I don't get it?
Ok, so I am going out with a guy and I act a certain way which is always just an act and then I feel like I don't like him because I don't say what I am really thinking or feeling...I am going to change that way of being and basically do something a little more scary for a change, be real and honest, and then watch what happens...that experience will change, and I am just saying that if I appy this in everything, my life will change for the better.
Hmmmmmmmmm...
Yes, I know it is hard to understand, but it will work.
Ok?
And you know what else I think is going to work?
What?
I am going to try and stop thinking so much about everything and I am going to try and stop worrying so much about everything and I am going to start feeling things out more and if I have a thought that is not making me feel good, I am gonna toss it to the side and if I have a person that I am feeling good around, I am gonna not worry about it and I will just start feeling more joy and less anxiety...I'm gonna try.
Ok, maybe I should try it too?
Yes, do! And then tell someone like I told you and let's start a train of awareness and joy and change for the better...if my life can be better, so can yours and so can someone else's and let's keep it going until everyone can hear what we are trying to do, does that make sense?
Yes, it does!
Ok, then...ready, set, go!!!
~Jenn
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Nothing is without meaning
Nothing is without meaning to me, you'll see...
when I pick a password, it has to say something
when I pick a song, I want to sing along
when I pick a love, it has to go forward
with a belief in forever and ever and ever...
Some people call me a thinker
but I like to say I'm a drinker
of wine, of thought, of a love that lasts
and without it all, I have no path,
and nothing is without meaning, and nothing exists for no reason.
When you want to go away for good
I ask is there anything else we can do?
To cherish all the memories and possibilities
I want to believe we tried every opportunity.
but nothing is without meaning, and nothing exists for no reason.
I went to the store today for some fruit
but I didn't have an appetite thinking about you
and someone behind me who was checking out
was noticing I looked a little worn out.
He asked if there was anything he could do
along with saying he thought I was cute...
our eyes didn't let go, as I felt comfortable
looking at someone who I felt I knew long ago.
And nothing is without meaning, and nothing exists for no reason.
That day was spent drinking a lot of coffee
with a stranger who soon learned all about me
and I wanted to just sit and be in this place
where nothing else mattered, there was no race.
So, just like that, my life was changed,
because I needed some bananas and some grapes,
and now john and I are living together
and I know and he knows it will be forever and ever...
and nothing is without meaning, and nothing exists for no reason
and nothing is without meaning, and nothing exists for no reason.
~Jenn
when I pick a password, it has to say something
when I pick a song, I want to sing along
when I pick a love, it has to go forward
with a belief in forever and ever and ever...
Some people call me a thinker
but I like to say I'm a drinker
of wine, of thought, of a love that lasts
and without it all, I have no path,
and nothing is without meaning, and nothing exists for no reason.
When you want to go away for good
I ask is there anything else we can do?
To cherish all the memories and possibilities
I want to believe we tried every opportunity.
but nothing is without meaning, and nothing exists for no reason.
I went to the store today for some fruit
but I didn't have an appetite thinking about you
and someone behind me who was checking out
was noticing I looked a little worn out.
He asked if there was anything he could do
along with saying he thought I was cute...
our eyes didn't let go, as I felt comfortable
looking at someone who I felt I knew long ago.
And nothing is without meaning, and nothing exists for no reason.
That day was spent drinking a lot of coffee
with a stranger who soon learned all about me
and I wanted to just sit and be in this place
where nothing else mattered, there was no race.
So, just like that, my life was changed,
because I needed some bananas and some grapes,
and now john and I are living together
and I know and he knows it will be forever and ever...
and nothing is without meaning, and nothing exists for no reason
and nothing is without meaning, and nothing exists for no reason.
~Jenn
Monday, July 18, 2011
I can't stop questioning the life I lead (work in progress)
When I wake up in the night
cuz I have too much on my mind
and I want to stop my thinkin
before I see the morning light
I heat some milk and try to still
the thoughts runnin through my head
and when I still can't go to sleep
I try to watch a lil tv,
BUT...
I can't stop thinkin about you and me
I can't stop worryin about family
I can't stop cryin about babies starving
and I can't stop questioning the life I lead,
no I can't stop questioning the life I made.
As a kid I didn't get to see
all the worries I have today in me
I did what I was told and did it well
and I thought life was easy
As I grew I got to see
all that lay in front of me
so many choices to determine my path
and then the worries tainted my path
If I knew now my life would change
I wonder if I would choose the same
I was happy once and now at night
I worry about what I didn't do right
And then there's you, there's you
and I hope we can make it through
I want to sleep again at night
but the world is big and there's too much not right...
AND...
cuz I have too much on my mind
and I want to stop my thinkin
before I see the morning light
I heat some milk and try to still
the thoughts runnin through my head
and when I still can't go to sleep
I try to watch a lil tv,
BUT...
I can't stop thinkin about you and me
I can't stop worryin about family
I can't stop cryin about babies starving
and I can't stop questioning the life I lead,
no I can't stop questioning the life I made.
As a kid I didn't get to see
all the worries I have today in me
I did what I was told and did it well
and I thought life was easy
As I grew I got to see
all that lay in front of me
so many choices to determine my path
and then the worries tainted my path
If I knew now my life would change
I wonder if I would choose the same
I was happy once and now at night
I worry about what I didn't do right
And then there's you, there's you
and I hope we can make it through
I want to sleep again at night
but the world is big and there's too much not right...
AND...
I can't stop thinkin about you and me
I can't stop worryin about family
I can't stop cryin about babies starving
and I can't stop questioning the life I lead,
no I can't stop questioning the life I made.
~Jenn
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Living on the brink
I woke up one morning, not sure where I was
Turned on the telly and saw where I was
My car was in the water, people all around
I was up above, looking at the ground...
Am I dead I thought, could this be the end
I don’t feel a thing, but I see beginning to end
The people, they are crying, brings tears to my eyes
My friends and family hugging, my boyfriend covers his eyes.
I thought that I would help if I drove my car away
I didn’t see the oil when I chose to speed away
I remember as I spun, my thoughts and memory
I saw that life was beautiful, and what I gave away
I don’t think I felt much pain in the end
But I still find it strange that I am here at the end
I don’t feel much of anything, not what I felt down there
Maybe that's why when we die there's nothing there.
What happens now, am I really dead, oh my
I kind of feel like crying, but I have no tears to cry
Oh my god, my life, my family and friends live on
Without me they will go, singing the familiar songs
Oh my god again, this is really the path I took
I wonder if it’s true, another life to forward look
I don’t know how to say I'm dead and still breathing
I feel so simple in the way I'm still thinking...
But this is it, this must be my soul immersing
From all it’s been through, and what it's dispersing
Oh my god my soul, thank you for it’s life
But what am I right now, when is the end of this flight?
Oh my god are you there, or am I still in thought
I have no idea what next, but I think I will let go of thought
My family and friends Farwell, maybe you can hear
I wish I told you then how much you are all held dear
What I would have done if I could go back to earth
And turn back the car that found it’s way into the dirt
Well, I guess there is no choice, but to watch and maybe pray
I pray for those on earth that they find happiness today
For tomorrow will be next, and then who knows
maybe your car will find it’s way into the same type of bay
So forget about the sorrow, unless it’s to remind
Of all the joy and grace you hold in your mind
I love you all again, but I am moving on from here
Please do me one small favor, and don’t cry another tear
I am ok, I am, and you will be the same
Just live and love your best, do not try to tame
I will see you too soon I am sure, so try not to think
I regret I feared this place, didn’t live on the brink.
Those will be my last words I pass for you to think
Do not think anymore, just live as if you’re on the brink
I’m dead, so listen, I know more than you think
Please don’t think and live as if you’re on the brink
Don’t fear death, it’s not as bad as you think
But please don’t think and live as if you're on the brink.
Forget me now and live as death is on the brink
Forget me now and live as death is on the brink.
~Jenn...is there ONE DAY, just ONE, where I don't have to think about death???
ANSWER: Nope
Turned on the telly and saw where I was
My car was in the water, people all around
I was up above, looking at the ground...
Am I dead I thought, could this be the end
I don’t feel a thing, but I see beginning to end
The people, they are crying, brings tears to my eyes
My friends and family hugging, my boyfriend covers his eyes.
I thought that I would help if I drove my car away
I didn’t see the oil when I chose to speed away
I remember as I spun, my thoughts and memory
I saw that life was beautiful, and what I gave away
I don’t think I felt much pain in the end
But I still find it strange that I am here at the end
I don’t feel much of anything, not what I felt down there
Maybe that's why when we die there's nothing there.
What happens now, am I really dead, oh my
I kind of feel like crying, but I have no tears to cry
Oh my god, my life, my family and friends live on
Without me they will go, singing the familiar songs
Oh my god again, this is really the path I took
I wonder if it’s true, another life to forward look
I don’t know how to say I'm dead and still breathing
I feel so simple in the way I'm still thinking...
But this is it, this must be my soul immersing
From all it’s been through, and what it's dispersing
Oh my god my soul, thank you for it’s life
But what am I right now, when is the end of this flight?
Oh my god are you there, or am I still in thought
I have no idea what next, but I think I will let go of thought
My family and friends Farwell, maybe you can hear
I wish I told you then how much you are all held dear
What I would have done if I could go back to earth
And turn back the car that found it’s way into the dirt
Well, I guess there is no choice, but to watch and maybe pray
I pray for those on earth that they find happiness today
For tomorrow will be next, and then who knows
maybe your car will find it’s way into the same type of bay
So forget about the sorrow, unless it’s to remind
Of all the joy and grace you hold in your mind
I love you all again, but I am moving on from here
Please do me one small favor, and don’t cry another tear
I am ok, I am, and you will be the same
Just live and love your best, do not try to tame
I will see you too soon I am sure, so try not to think
I regret I feared this place, didn’t live on the brink.
Those will be my last words I pass for you to think
Do not think anymore, just live as if you’re on the brink
I’m dead, so listen, I know more than you think
Please don’t think and live as if you’re on the brink
Don’t fear death, it’s not as bad as you think
But please don’t think and live as if you're on the brink.
Forget me now and live as death is on the brink
Forget me now and live as death is on the brink.
~Jenn...is there ONE DAY, just ONE, where I don't have to think about death???
ANSWER: Nope
Friday, July 15, 2011
The First Day
It's the end of the first day without you
it's the first day I don't know what you're up to
it's the first day that we have nothin more to do
and I'm missin you, I'm missin you
I know together we made a lot of mistakes
but that doesn't mean I can leave without pain
this empty room is filled with your scent
and I can't shake these feelings I resent.
the first day without you, the first day I'm feelin blue,
the first day I can't hold you, the first day of somethin new.
I know I will come out of this okay
but today is the hardest, being it's the first day
everything is so new and what I'm not used to
this lonely home we built together, I built for you
My friends all help me try and understand it all
but it's a waste of energy, it won't make you call
and I can't erase my desire to cash it all in
but I know that means I will never win.
I'm gonna find my true love, my soul mate
even if I need to search all of the states
because everyone deserves someone to hold
and we all are hear to be true to our souls
I've got the first day almost played out
I survived the first day alone and without
tomorrow will be better even though it will be hard
but time will be my friend and I will love again.
it's the first day I don't know what you're up to
it's the first day that we have nothin more to do
and I'm missin you, I'm missin you
I know together we made a lot of mistakes
but that doesn't mean I can leave without pain
this empty room is filled with your scent
and I can't shake these feelings I resent.
the first day without you, the first day I'm feelin blue,
the first day I can't hold you, the first day of somethin new.
I know I will come out of this okay
but today is the hardest, being it's the first day
everything is so new and what I'm not used to
this lonely home we built together, I built for you
My friends all help me try and understand it all
but it's a waste of energy, it won't make you call
and I can't erase my desire to cash it all in
but I know that means I will never win.
the first day without you, the first day I'm feelin blue,
the first day I can't hold you, the first day of somethin new.
I'm gonna find my true love, my soul mate
even if I need to search all of the states
because everyone deserves someone to hold
and we all are hear to be true to our souls
I've got the first day almost played out
I survived the first day alone and without
tomorrow will be better even though it will be hard
but time will be my friend and I will love again.
the first day without you, the first day I'm feelin blue,
the first day I can't hold you, the first day of somethin new.
~Jenn
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Do you love her more than me...
I am sitting here alone
waiting to answer the phone
hopin you call me tonight
but I know you're with her tonight
Today we had a lot of fun
and next week I know we'll do it again
what we share is so special to me
but do you love her more than me
Do you love her more than me,
do you love her more than me,
or just differently
Is it ever going to end
and will we get to a point
where all of this will have no point
but you always come back at some point
I never thought I could care
about someone I might have to share
where the pain of saying good bye
is all too much sometimes
Do you love her more than me
do you love her more than me,
or just differently
Baby I know you love me
and you know I love you
but all I need to know
to help me make it though
is do you love her more than me
do you love her more than me
or do you love me differently
and I don't even know how that will make me feel better
and I wish I didn't love you enough to want to be together
but answer me baby, do you love her more than me
or do you love me differently,
do you love me completely,
or do you love her more than me ?
~Jenn...not sure if this lyric is pathetic or sympathetic or empathetic...what you think?
waiting to answer the phone
hopin you call me tonight
but I know you're with her tonight
Today we had a lot of fun
and next week I know we'll do it again
what we share is so special to me
but do you love her more than me
Do you love her more than me,
do you love her more than me,
or just differently
Is it ever going to end
and will we get to a point
where all of this will have no point
but you always come back at some point
I never thought I could care
about someone I might have to share
where the pain of saying good bye
is all too much sometimes
Do you love her more than me
do you love her more than me,
or just differently
Baby I know you love me
and you know I love you
but all I need to know
to help me make it though
is do you love her more than me
do you love her more than me
or do you love me differently
and I don't even know how that will make me feel better
and I wish I didn't love you enough to want to be together
but answer me baby, do you love her more than me
or do you love me differently,
do you love me completely,
or do you love her more than me ?
~Jenn...not sure if this lyric is pathetic or sympathetic or empathetic...what you think?
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Change is for the better
I got a new car yesterday, and I can now say one day I have driven a bmw, whoopppie, I am cool.
Just kidding, I am pretty dorky and shy and am not so much into cars as long as they get me from one place to another, but I have to say, I like a smoother ride and I like a heated butt seat, and I like a good sound if I had to pick...AND, of course, I need my coffee cup holders and a way to put lots of crap in the trunk...not too much maintenance, right? Oh, but I can't wait to drive an SUV at some point in my life, maybe in my 30's I will be able to accomplish that goal...MAYBE, after I sell a song, then I will be on the path to an SUV....That's IT :)
Either way, for the next week, I will probably look forward to wherever I have to go because I will be going there in a new way, a new smell, a new look, and as much as I hate change, because I really HATE change, I kinda like the change when it is actually in my lap...it's the time in between the change that I can't stand...the time before the change happens, when you know you have to MAKE the change, it is inevitable, but you don't want to go through the action, the event of the change, you just want the change to be your world already...am I making sense? Like death, change is death, it has to come no matter what you do...
Like, now that I am thinking about it, I have to move, I don't really want to move, but I kinda HAVE to move to save some money before I make it big :) So, the new place, wherever it's gonna be, will be great I am sure, the old place, which I love, is great, but the move, the trying to find a place I am gonna like, the packing, the unpacking, the adjustment, all of that I don't want to go through....waaahhhhhhhh, I am stressed out again...And THEN, there is the relationship change...even if the boyfriend is getting old, the patterns are not healthy, I am not happy, if I am in the relationship, I am in it and I don't want to go through the change of breaking up, of getting out of it, of pain and hurt and missing and remembering all the love we once had, even if the next relationship will be the man of my dreams, because the change will still be so hard to go through...BUT, I guess that is life, and, once again, I get to the conclusion that life is a fuckin pain in the ass sometimes and it is hard and painful and full of change. But, change is always for the better, so I guess if I do what I am supposed to do and get through change and actually MAKE my changes as opposed to fighting and resisting them all, I will be rewarded by life in someway, since I have come to the conclusion that change is for the better...right ???? HELP !@!!!
~Jenn
Just kidding, I am pretty dorky and shy and am not so much into cars as long as they get me from one place to another, but I have to say, I like a smoother ride and I like a heated butt seat, and I like a good sound if I had to pick...AND, of course, I need my coffee cup holders and a way to put lots of crap in the trunk...not too much maintenance, right? Oh, but I can't wait to drive an SUV at some point in my life, maybe in my 30's I will be able to accomplish that goal...MAYBE, after I sell a song, then I will be on the path to an SUV....That's IT :)
Either way, for the next week, I will probably look forward to wherever I have to go because I will be going there in a new way, a new smell, a new look, and as much as I hate change, because I really HATE change, I kinda like the change when it is actually in my lap...it's the time in between the change that I can't stand...the time before the change happens, when you know you have to MAKE the change, it is inevitable, but you don't want to go through the action, the event of the change, you just want the change to be your world already...am I making sense? Like death, change is death, it has to come no matter what you do...
Like, now that I am thinking about it, I have to move, I don't really want to move, but I kinda HAVE to move to save some money before I make it big :) So, the new place, wherever it's gonna be, will be great I am sure, the old place, which I love, is great, but the move, the trying to find a place I am gonna like, the packing, the unpacking, the adjustment, all of that I don't want to go through....waaahhhhhhhh, I am stressed out again...And THEN, there is the relationship change...even if the boyfriend is getting old, the patterns are not healthy, I am not happy, if I am in the relationship, I am in it and I don't want to go through the change of breaking up, of getting out of it, of pain and hurt and missing and remembering all the love we once had, even if the next relationship will be the man of my dreams, because the change will still be so hard to go through...BUT, I guess that is life, and, once again, I get to the conclusion that life is a fuckin pain in the ass sometimes and it is hard and painful and full of change. But, change is always for the better, so I guess if I do what I am supposed to do and get through change and actually MAKE my changes as opposed to fighting and resisting them all, I will be rewarded by life in someway, since I have come to the conclusion that change is for the better...right ???? HELP !@!!!
~Jenn
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Bluer skies
What are you doin, you need to think this whole thing through
Do you even know what you've been doing, do you do you do you?
You've been chasing the wrong thing for way too long, too long,
you must think you're special, or that you don't deserve to belong...
I think you're gonna look back and wish you made another choice,
but I know you like you fancy car and clothes to give you a voice,
but those things only last so long and then where are you gonna go?
I know you're used to lots of lovers and maybe you care once in a while
but I have known you a long time now and I have never seen you smile...
Life is so short and honey, your looks aren't ever gonna last
and I know you love your freedom, but think about your path...
You keep moving and running from something you say you want so bad,
so are you lying to me or are you scared of losing what you think you have?
Where are you today, maybe another spontaneous holiday,
but you still have to come back to the empty space someday...
If you keep turning a cheek you will never be at peace
You know I know because years ago I was in your place.
Trust in love, you deserve it, go get it, sometimes it's okay to cry,
believe like I do in you, and see your beauty through my eyes...
It's not gonna be easy, nothing worth anything ever is...sigh,
but I promise, I will be with you, and one day will be bluer skies.
~Jenn
Do you even know what you've been doing, do you do you do you?
You've been chasing the wrong thing for way too long, too long,
you must think you're special, or that you don't deserve to belong...
I think you're gonna look back and wish you made another choice,
but I know you like you fancy car and clothes to give you a voice,
but those things only last so long and then where are you gonna go?
I know you're used to lots of lovers and maybe you care once in a while
but I have known you a long time now and I have never seen you smile...
Life is so short and honey, your looks aren't ever gonna last
and I know you love your freedom, but think about your path...
You keep moving and running from something you say you want so bad,
so are you lying to me or are you scared of losing what you think you have?
Where are you today, maybe another spontaneous holiday,
but you still have to come back to the empty space someday...
If you keep turning a cheek you will never be at peace
You know I know because years ago I was in your place.
Trust in love, you deserve it, go get it, sometimes it's okay to cry,
believe like I do in you, and see your beauty through my eyes...
It's not gonna be easy, nothing worth anything ever is...sigh,
but I promise, I will be with you, and one day will be bluer skies.
~Jenn
Monday, July 11, 2011
writing day
No song today, just a little part of my day
I am going to write with a new kind of guy
I am excited and still might be a little shy
I hope I can work well with new people
I am so used to doing everything myself
maybe just to open up and be real
will help me focus and not self destruct
I think I speak better in verse don't you
It might be strange but it seems like the truth
anyway, things are moving in a great way
it's about time don't you think, it had to happen someday
keep believing keep seeing keeping trying
and one day, I promise, it could all go your way...
~Jenn
I am going to write with a new kind of guy
I am excited and still might be a little shy
I hope I can work well with new people
I am so used to doing everything myself
maybe just to open up and be real
will help me focus and not self destruct
I think I speak better in verse don't you
It might be strange but it seems like the truth
anyway, things are moving in a great way
it's about time don't you think, it had to happen someday
keep believing keep seeing keeping trying
and one day, I promise, it could all go your way...
~Jenn
Sunday, July 10, 2011
another day
What am I feeling today, I'm not blue or sad or missing you
but I feel incomplete, empty, not grounded on my feet
discontent, I guess, that is what I feel, and that's worse than anything else
it's not happiness, it's not sadness, but a bore about it that can't be scratched
I wonder if this is how most people feel, when a day is just a day, it's just bein real
maybe I am looking for a roller coaster ride, something to fill me with pain and pride
I can't relax when I feel this way, when I feel nothing and not sure about my ways
I can't adjust to whatever is going on, I can't trust I know any part of this song
if someone would tell me this is totally normal
if someone would push me in a certain direction
if someone would guide me towards my own acceptance
I wouldn't have to give myself this pain of rejection
I must be a stupid creature for not figuring out how to live and be happy
maybe I should just give up, let it all go, surrender to everything I don't know...
THAT sounds like a plan, I can get on board right away
I guess I am good for something even on a bad day...
so there's my plan, there's my job, outlined in front of me
another day, another goal, another 24 hours of work to complete...
~Jenn
but I feel incomplete, empty, not grounded on my feet
discontent, I guess, that is what I feel, and that's worse than anything else
it's not happiness, it's not sadness, but a bore about it that can't be scratched
I wonder if this is how most people feel, when a day is just a day, it's just bein real
maybe I am looking for a roller coaster ride, something to fill me with pain and pride
I can't relax when I feel this way, when I feel nothing and not sure about my ways
I can't adjust to whatever is going on, I can't trust I know any part of this song
if someone would tell me this is totally normal
if someone would push me in a certain direction
if someone would guide me towards my own acceptance
I wouldn't have to give myself this pain of rejection
I must be a stupid creature for not figuring out how to live and be happy
maybe I should just give up, let it all go, surrender to everything I don't know...
THAT sounds like a plan, I can get on board right away
I guess I am good for something even on a bad day...
so there's my plan, there's my job, outlined in front of me
another day, another goal, another 24 hours of work to complete...
~Jenn
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Be careful what you wish for...
Be careful what you wish for because it might come true
be aware of what you pray for because it could be coming right to you...
I thought I was ready for my dream to be real
but it's in front of me now, it's crazy and surreal
and I am feeling the need to dismiss the appeal
of happiness and intimacy, my two ideal's...
Oh boy, what has god done, He's given me a gift
I've been praying for since, basically, day one
And to be honest with you and with myself
I never completely believed it could be freed from my bookshelf
all my books and stories were great in my head
I didn't have to deal with them, but for them I only dreaded
and this man in front of me now, he is saying all the right things
he's acting the part and he's telling me the sweetest things
and here I am listening and judging and trying to not punish him for opening
this door to success, this door to true love
a commitment, a family, what I have always said I want.
Oh boy, what will happen, I don't want to cause anyone any pain
I don't understand my feelings, are they real or is this talk in vain
I will let you all know the outcome of the dream, or nightmare
will I self-destruct and ruin all that I have waited for in shame
or will I walk openly and through the walls that hold me back
will I try once and for all, to love and stay on track...???
~Jenn (to be cont......)
be aware of what you pray for because it could be coming right to you...
I thought I was ready for my dream to be real
but it's in front of me now, it's crazy and surreal
and I am feeling the need to dismiss the appeal
of happiness and intimacy, my two ideal's...
Oh boy, what has god done, He's given me a gift
I've been praying for since, basically, day one
And to be honest with you and with myself
I never completely believed it could be freed from my bookshelf
all my books and stories were great in my head
I didn't have to deal with them, but for them I only dreaded
and this man in front of me now, he is saying all the right things
he's acting the part and he's telling me the sweetest things
and here I am listening and judging and trying to not punish him for opening
this door to success, this door to true love
a commitment, a family, what I have always said I want.
Oh boy, what will happen, I don't want to cause anyone any pain
I don't understand my feelings, are they real or is this talk in vain
I will let you all know the outcome of the dream, or nightmare
will I self-destruct and ruin all that I have waited for in shame
or will I walk openly and through the walls that hold me back
will I try once and for all, to love and stay on track...???
~Jenn (to be cont......)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
young love
Have me over for dinner tonight
I'm in the mood for something light
you know where I want to go after we eat
I will whisper to you, it will be my treat
salmon and a bagel or some ham on rye
seared ahi is my fav but I love a rare rib eye
but since it's last minute, I can bring something
Something easy, something tasty, from my favorite deli
See you in a bit, leave the door open
Light some candles, maybe rent a romantic somethin
I can't wait to see you, it seems forever and a day
the last time we kissed was just yesterday
I love this feeling of total bliss
I love that I can't wait til our next kiss
I love that I dream about you every night
and I love that I only want to be in your arms tonight
love me, hold me, take me to bed
let's forget about the food, seems like a drag
we can listen to music and look old photos
baby, oh baby, I can't wait to hold you
See you soon, see you soon
I will run, lets stay up until we see the sun
See you soon, see you soon
I miss you more than you know
See you soon see you soon
I can't wait to be with you in your room...
~Jenn...aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, young love
I'm in the mood for something light
you know where I want to go after we eat
I will whisper to you, it will be my treat
salmon and a bagel or some ham on rye
seared ahi is my fav but I love a rare rib eye
but since it's last minute, I can bring something
Something easy, something tasty, from my favorite deli
See you in a bit, leave the door open
Light some candles, maybe rent a romantic somethin
I can't wait to see you, it seems forever and a day
the last time we kissed was just yesterday
I love this feeling of total bliss
I love that I can't wait til our next kiss
I love that I dream about you every night
and I love that I only want to be in your arms tonight
love me, hold me, take me to bed
let's forget about the food, seems like a drag
we can listen to music and look old photos
baby, oh baby, I can't wait to hold you
See you soon, see you soon
I will run, lets stay up until we see the sun
See you soon, see you soon
I miss you more than you know
See you soon see you soon
I can't wait to be with you in your room...
~Jenn...aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, young love
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I forgot...
Looking outside today seems different in every way
I don't feel like myself but I see more clearly than the other days
the time I am taking to think about everything I want for you and me
is making me see how much you really mean to me
And
I forgot about all the times you took my hand telling me you loved me
I forgot about how you took me in when I didn't have much of anything
I forgot about how you taught me to love again and feel alive and free
I forgot about your support and how much you meant to me.
It's never too late to say your sorry, but I am afraid I lost you already
even though there was nothing else I could do but go away without you
I needed to think it all through and remember who I was before I met you
I let you take over and I lost myself and I was feeling like someone else
You know me so well and you know when I get scared
I hide within myself and I shut down and pretend I don't really care
and I loved you for taking over and for making me feel safe and secure
but I needed to stand on my two feet and deal with my challenges and defeats
And through it all I forgot the love I always had for you
and though it all I forgot how strong we both were for each other
and through it all I forgot how much I wanted to be with you
and through it all I forgot how much I needed to say I still love you...
Where will will go from this point on, I can't say I know which way
I believe in life and ups and downs and learning as we go our ways
I hope you come back to me because I know you still have love for me
and I know if you do we will make it through and be better for it, I do...
AND I forgot about all the times you took my hand telling me you loved me
I don't feel like myself but I see more clearly than the other days
the time I am taking to think about everything I want for you and me
is making me see how much you really mean to me
And
I forgot about all the times you took my hand telling me you loved me
I forgot about how you took me in when I didn't have much of anything
I forgot about how you taught me to love again and feel alive and free
I forgot about your support and how much you meant to me.
It's never too late to say your sorry, but I am afraid I lost you already
even though there was nothing else I could do but go away without you
I needed to think it all through and remember who I was before I met you
I let you take over and I lost myself and I was feeling like someone else
You know me so well and you know when I get scared
I hide within myself and I shut down and pretend I don't really care
and I loved you for taking over and for making me feel safe and secure
but I needed to stand on my two feet and deal with my challenges and defeats
And through it all I forgot the love I always had for you
and though it all I forgot how strong we both were for each other
and through it all I forgot how much I wanted to be with you
and through it all I forgot how much I needed to say I still love you...
Where will will go from this point on, I can't say I know which way
I believe in life and ups and downs and learning as we go our ways
I hope you come back to me because I know you still have love for me
and I know if you do we will make it through and be better for it, I do...
AND I forgot about all the times you took my hand telling me you loved me
I forgot about how you took me in when I didn't have much of anything
I forgot about how you taught me to love again and feel alive and free
I forgot about your support and how much you meant to me.
~Jenn
Monday, July 4, 2011
Happy 4th
Happy 4th of july, happy birthday america, happy happy happy...I already had my bloody mary for the red part of day, the white part will be some cream in my coffee and the blue part will be my blueberries in my cereal! See, I celebrate the 4th like everyone else!
Dating is fun until you find out something you wish you didn't know...like, what if someone was perfect until they started to snore? Or what if someone was perfect until their tongue was in your month and moving a little out of control? Or what if someone was perfect until they wanted you to pay for yourself? Or what if someone was perfect until they started talking about their parents and the lack of love they got as a kid? What if what if what if?
I am stranger the more I get to know myself. I am weirder the more I get in touch with myself. I love going on dates when I am soooo into someone I can't wait to see them...but then boom, bam, wham, they say something and I am off the train, out of the car, out of the marriage like a snap...why am I like that? Is everyone? Maybe if I date people I am not so into then they will grow on me and it won't be like a snap, I don't like them anymore, it will be like a snap, I do like them some...hmmmmmmmmmmm...why is everything such a freakin challenge? I know why, I forgot, this is life, I am in life, I am living and living is a challenge. Period. Okay. I'm done.
~Jenn
Dating is fun until you find out something you wish you didn't know...like, what if someone was perfect until they started to snore? Or what if someone was perfect until their tongue was in your month and moving a little out of control? Or what if someone was perfect until they wanted you to pay for yourself? Or what if someone was perfect until they started talking about their parents and the lack of love they got as a kid? What if what if what if?
I am stranger the more I get to know myself. I am weirder the more I get in touch with myself. I love going on dates when I am soooo into someone I can't wait to see them...but then boom, bam, wham, they say something and I am off the train, out of the car, out of the marriage like a snap...why am I like that? Is everyone? Maybe if I date people I am not so into then they will grow on me and it won't be like a snap, I don't like them anymore, it will be like a snap, I do like them some...hmmmmmmmmmmm...why is everything such a freakin challenge? I know why, I forgot, this is life, I am in life, I am living and living is a challenge. Period. Okay. I'm done.
~Jenn
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Free to be meeeeeeeee
Last night was so much fun, my first show in 5 years and all my friends came and I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be and I sang on the right key and I felt comfortable on stage and I was free to be meeeeeeeee:)
When I feel the rush of the crowd
when I feel everything happening in the here and now
and my mind takes a break and I forget all of my mistakes,
I am free to be meeeeeeee
When I see you standing there beside me
when all I feel is your hand brushing my knee
when you eyes bring me to that place right inside your heart
I am free to be meeeeeeee
I am free to be me, free to be me with all the insecurities and impurities
when there is nothing to run from and no shame coming on
I am free to be meeeeee
Everything is okay even when it's a bad day
because it's my bad day and I can deal with it my own way
everything is real when my words are saying how I feel
and connecting to you is all I wish to do
I am free to be me, free to be me with all the insecurities and impurities
when there is nothing to run from and no shame coming on
I am free to be meeeeeeeeeee
~Jenn
When I feel the rush of the crowd
when I feel everything happening in the here and now
and my mind takes a break and I forget all of my mistakes,
I am free to be meeeeeeee
When I see you standing there beside me
when all I feel is your hand brushing my knee
when you eyes bring me to that place right inside your heart
I am free to be meeeeeeee
I am free to be me, free to be me with all the insecurities and impurities
when there is nothing to run from and no shame coming on
I am free to be meeeeee
Everything is okay even when it's a bad day
because it's my bad day and I can deal with it my own way
everything is real when my words are saying how I feel
and connecting to you is all I wish to do
I am free to be me, free to be me with all the insecurities and impurities
when there is nothing to run from and no shame coming on
I am free to be meeeeeeeeeee
~Jenn
Saturday, July 2, 2011
In case you didn't know...
In case you didn't know,
I like you and your smell
In case you didn't know,
I don't mind your coffee breath and I like your ruggedness
I've been looking for someone like you to make me feel good
are you gonna leave me hanging after all that I said
are you gonna leave me guessing or wishing I was dead
what are you afraid of, I haven't an evil side in me
are you gonna run away, or run away with me?
In case you didn't know,
I'm petite, ok I'm short
In case you didn't know
I'm pretty thin, ok I'm scrawny
but I can stand on my own two feet even as I face defeat
and life throws us challenges to grab or run away from
it's all how we perceive what we see, but we see the same thing
so, are you gonna run away, or run away with me?
In case you didn't know,
I'm a small girl walking in a big world
In case you didn't know
I want to hold your hand and have you be my man
I won't let go unless you want me to
and even then it will be hard to do and I will fight to make it through
I wish we could tape how we are today and play it back when things don't go our way
so we can remember how it felt to love each other and be free
and we can remember how it was when we were together.
In case you didn't know,
I say a lot of random things
In case you didn't know,
I whistle better than I sing
But this is me and I can be sweet
and this is me and you are such a treat
and this is me who wants you to be
my man, my guy, my babe, my mistake...
So, are you gonna run away, or run away with me?
~Jenn
I like you and your smell
In case you didn't know,
I don't mind your coffee breath and I like your ruggedness
I've been looking for someone like you to make me feel good
are you gonna leave me hanging after all that I said
are you gonna leave me guessing or wishing I was dead
what are you afraid of, I haven't an evil side in me
are you gonna run away, or run away with me?
In case you didn't know,
I'm petite, ok I'm short
In case you didn't know
I'm pretty thin, ok I'm scrawny
but I can stand on my own two feet even as I face defeat
and life throws us challenges to grab or run away from
it's all how we perceive what we see, but we see the same thing
so, are you gonna run away, or run away with me?
In case you didn't know,
I'm a small girl walking in a big world
In case you didn't know
I want to hold your hand and have you be my man
I won't let go unless you want me to
and even then it will be hard to do and I will fight to make it through
I wish we could tape how we are today and play it back when things don't go our way
so we can remember how it felt to love each other and be free
and we can remember how it was when we were together.
In case you didn't know,
I say a lot of random things
In case you didn't know,
I whistle better than I sing
But this is me and I can be sweet
and this is me and you are such a treat
and this is me who wants you to be
my man, my guy, my babe, my mistake...
So, are you gonna run away, or run away with me?
~Jenn
Friday, July 1, 2011
I don't even need therapy
I have been in a happy place, a very happy place. And, of course, I make the check in phone call to my mother, and, of course, OF COURSE, I am reminded of why I shouldn't be so happy and how I have a tendency to romanticize and go overboard on certain situations and this is just what I do, so I shouldn't be as happy as I think I am...huh...you get all of that? What a freakin buzzzzzzz killlllllllllll. And I love her. And there is nothing I can do about her. And it is what it is. AND, I am still happy, yes sirrrrreeeeeeeee...
So, my first show is coming up tomorrow and as nervous and NOT excited for it I was when I booked it, I am actually pretty psyched for it now, and just saying that makes me nervous. Saying that I am looking forward to it, saying I don't think I am going to suck, saying I might feel confident and feel happy on stage, saying all of that makes me scared I am jinxing it all, makes me scared I don't know what I am talking about, makes me scared to be confident when deep down I have no right to be confident, to feel good about myself, to feel like I might have something to offer, because if I feel that way, and I am wrong, then I am reallllllyyyyy screwed! Oh shit, what did I just say?
Anyway, I will speak no more of anything, I will just do. Do what I want to, do what I am trying to do, do do do...I want to write a hit song, I want to make people happy and feel something with my songs, I want people to hear what I have to say, I want to move people in certain ways, I want to have people love me, but I will get rid of that last comment because I won't need people to love me if I love myself, I won't need people to think I am good if I think I am good, I won't need anything from anyone other than myself. And that is the power I need to survive. I don't care about what other people think about me, I don't care about what other people can give me. I just care about me me me and what I can give to you you you. The end. The truth. Wow, I am pretty good therapist when I want to be...and look...I don't even need therapy :)
~Jenn
So, my first show is coming up tomorrow and as nervous and NOT excited for it I was when I booked it, I am actually pretty psyched for it now, and just saying that makes me nervous. Saying that I am looking forward to it, saying I don't think I am going to suck, saying I might feel confident and feel happy on stage, saying all of that makes me scared I am jinxing it all, makes me scared I don't know what I am talking about, makes me scared to be confident when deep down I have no right to be confident, to feel good about myself, to feel like I might have something to offer, because if I feel that way, and I am wrong, then I am reallllllyyyyy screwed! Oh shit, what did I just say?
Anyway, I will speak no more of anything, I will just do. Do what I want to, do what I am trying to do, do do do...I want to write a hit song, I want to make people happy and feel something with my songs, I want people to hear what I have to say, I want to move people in certain ways, I want to have people love me, but I will get rid of that last comment because I won't need people to love me if I love myself, I won't need people to think I am good if I think I am good, I won't need anything from anyone other than myself. And that is the power I need to survive. I don't care about what other people think about me, I don't care about what other people can give me. I just care about me me me and what I can give to you you you. The end. The truth. Wow, I am pretty good therapist when I want to be...and look...I don't even need therapy :)
~Jenn
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