I admit...

I have FAILED in my one promise I made to myself more than a year ago...I promised I would write EVERYDAY in this freakin blog, EVERYDAY was my goal, EVERYDAY was my commitment, EVERYDAY was my JOB I gave myself to grow as a writer, a songwriter, and fulfill a promise to myself (and all of my readers)...so, here I am, finally, saying to myself, saying to my readers, I HAVE FAILED in keeping my promise.  I am NOT saying I am a failure, very different obviously, but I have FAILED, and I guess the only thing to do is to get back up there, get back on track and start writing again...BUT, before I do this, this failure makes me want to analyze myself, take a step back and try to understand why did I not commit to what I said I was going to do? Maybe if I can figure it out, I won't ever let myself fail that way again.  Does it mean I have a commitment problem?  Does it mean I don't think of myself as worthy enough to do what I set my mind to?  Does it mean I am destined for failure because I am afraid of success?  Happiness?  Dreams coming true?  Well, I am not a therapist, so I guess I don't know what it all means other than I didn't do what I said I was going to do and I can do better than that.  Maybe I am just lazy and am okay with that part of myself being lazy.  Maybe I want to prove to everyone around me that I am not someone who lives up to their potential so stop looking at me.  Maybe maybe maybe I just made a mistake and will learn from the feeling of not wanting to be a failure or a disappointment so I will never let it happen again.  Maybe I am sick of not getting what I want so I better do what I say in hopes of getting what I want or say I want.  Maybe maybe maybe... I guess having an answer doesn't matter to much, so the only way I know how to move forward is to admit that I didn't do what I said I was going to do, but I WILL do what I say I am going to do which is to write EVERYDAY again and start from there.  I don't have to write anything good, I will probably write a lot of crappy things that no one will care to hear, and I will probably see how lame I am as a writer, what I was probably afraid of seeing, but I guess being a lame writer is better than saying you're a writer who doesn't write, right?  I hope so...anyway, this is my written apology to myself and to my readers, I am sorry for disappointing everyone involved who had expectations of me, I am sorry for not living up to my promise of writing daily, and I am sorry for failing you, I am sorry.  I hope I can move forward from this and learn a valuable lesson...the lesson for me is that I know I can be strong enough to admit to failure, I know I can be strong enough to go after something again, and I know I can be strong enough to know I might possibly fail again...but I won't...unless I have a really really really good reason not to be able to write, but I WILL WRITE, alright ?  Peace

~Jenn