change

I'm lying on the couch today, looking up at the ceiling, and talking to a man sitting in the corner of the room.  He has a notepad and is jotting things down that I say, I can't seem to understand what he finds important enough to write down, and what he deems ramble.
Anywho... I am the one who deems it all babble, ramble, wasted words connected to unwanted feelings that won't seem to go away, and no matter how hard I try to look another way, they follow me, strangle me, begging me for another round of dealing with them, coddling them, loving them...eeeeeehhhhhh, here we go again!
Change is for the better, always for the better, until it doesn't seem better...change could be a form of giving up, running away, not dealing with the days.  I've been told I have it great.  And I tell everyone around me, we all have it great.  We have it fuckkkkkkkinnnnnnn great!  And I love being grateful for how great we all have it, I am totally lucky in this lifetime, and probably all the future lifetimes to come.  I love karma, I love dharma, I love having the power to create, either a new beginning or an ending in my life, at any time I desire.
But here I am, 29 years old again, and wishing for another go at the whole thing.  This man nods his head pretending to understand, but in the back of his mind I know he is just waiting for his chance to say, 'have you considered medication?'  Hah...I love making fun of these things because I never agree.  Feelings are feelings we are meant to have and share everyday.  Someone once told me after 47 years of being married, he still doesn't really know 'who' his wife is, doesn't understand her 'core'.  And I know it's because she never really allowed him to see her.  She had total control of her feelings, what she let out, what she kept in, what she pretended to feel, and what not to feel.  Total control, and he felt it, and she felt it, and in the end, no one wins.  Control of it all gets you no where but safe and alone.  And who really wants to feel that way?  I like to think I've been on both sides of the equation and I like the transparent side, the openness side, the feeling side where it's all out there and part of a community, part of a group that sees each other and wants to keep seeing more of each other.  
But I don't want to be 'seen' anymore.  I'm done.  'Been there done that,' basically.  I want to 'SEE'.  I don't want to be understood either.  I want to understand.  I don't want to be loved either, I already am.  I just want to love.  And this is for some reason, the most powerful feeling I have had in while.  I'm wanting to be part of the whole picture, take the back seat so the whole group can survive and grow, who cares about me anymore.  I'm done growing for now, I'm gonna grow with the group starting with today.  Sunday. Change is coming my way, our way....thanks doc, couldn't have done it without ya!

~Jenn

PS...go giants