Purpose

What makes for a good friend?  Someone who you can count on when in need of help, support, cheer, celebration, or just to talk.  Someone who will come to you in rough situations and drop everything, if they can, to help.  Someone who will not tell your deepest secrets to anyone and who will always have your back.  Someone who cares about your well being and will try their best to offer their advice or feedback.  Someone who loves you and understands you.  Someone who accepts you just like you are.  Someone who will go through life by your side and also become a part of your family.  Someone who you know, even if you fight, you will always be able to resolve the argument eventually. Someone who you trust and would trust your children with.  Someone you appreciate and who also makes you feel apprectiated.
I was that someone last night.  I was the friend who came to the other friend in need.  I did my job and helped a friend.  The best I could.  And it feels good.  But the situation sucks.
I can't decide what feels better.  To be the one to offer need, to feel needed, or to be the one to rely on someone to help, or give you what you need.  I think I like feeling needed and influencial.  It gives me a sense of purpose, something I think I am always searching for, a purpose.
I wonder why it is such an issue for me?  Some people might feel burdened with purpose, maybe challenged, maybe stressed, maybe obligated.  I feel alive, strong, willing, important, more worthy of living when I have a purpose.  The problem for me is that most of the time, I don't feel I have much of a purpose, and therefore, the emptiness creeps in with a sense of loneliness and confusion and feeling of why the fuck do I need to be alive then if there is no reason to live?  It should be enough to exist, to have a job that people count on you to show up, a family that likes your presence, friends that just want to chat.  It SHOULD be enough.  I am working on that, on just feeling like my purpose is to 'show up' to the world, 'be' in the life I have been given, exist.
And then there's writing and music.  I have my own purpose now, for myself.  I am doing my best to get words on a page, lyrics in a song, out to the world, out of my head, off my computer and into the universe.  I believe, if God or whoever is out there wants my purpose just as much as I do, it will happen, it WILL happen.  My job is to stay tenacious, which I have to say, I am good at, and the universe will then support when the time is right.  So, right now, I have given myself a new purpose.  My purpose is to be the best friend I can, which I accomplished last night, and then, stay tenacious...I like the word and I like the job...I hope we all can stay tenacious to follow our dreams, to help the world, to fix the economy (yes, I DO follow politics sometimes :)), to sing more songs, and to love...to LOVE more than we do...tenacious about love, being loved and loving...I'm good with that purpose too ;)

Wow, I have lots of purposes all of a sudden!!  Life will be okay for another week :)

~Jenn
PS...it's my bday week!!  Happy MAY !!!