The End...(for today)

So... I do a lot of wondering...and as I wonder, I realize I do a lot of thinking and as I think, I tend to look out the window...I have an exact window with a chair and a lighter if I feel like smoking and I sit and look...and as I look out the window, I start to question everything... and then I wonder again about why I am here (here being on this earth, in this life, who I am...yes, very deep)...and after that I tend to get more overwhelmed with not knowing anything, so I start rejecting anything that comes my way because of my state of utter confusion and neuroses...but, I think I use all that as an excuse because the real reason I am rejecting is because I am stuck on something else, something that was rejecting me, something that maybe wasn't so healthy for me, something that possibly I needed to let go of to be free.  And, once I am able to let go, surrender, then I am open to a crush, yes a crush like the one's in high school where you don't really care about it being right or wrong, but you care about the crush and if it can ever leave the ground, take off into something real...so while you are waiting for all that to happen, or I should say, while I am waiting, I pray...I pray for the crush to work out, I pray for the person to feel the same way, to let them know I am thinking about them and they should say hi once in a while...and when praying doesn't work out, well, then, THAT'S when I'm on my knees and BEGGING...yes, I am begging for something I want so bad because I have so much love in me to give and so much in me to want to receive, so I beg...and guess what?  Some of the time God actually grants me a wish or two or three when I want, I just don't know exactly when it will all come my way...but I get to love and be free and my wish is granted for a short time and I get to frolic on the beach and smell the flowers and talk until the sun comes out ...and when THAT doesn't work out, when THAT has it's own issues, then I end my day, my years, my life with hope...hope that the NEXT beginning doesn't have an end...and for some reason if it does because that has sort of been my experience, then you know what?  I am going to hope that the NEXT NEXT beginning doesn't end... and one day, I KNOW, and God knows, that one beginning, and all you need is one beginning, ONE beginning is NOT going to end and then I will just be ending when I die, that will be the final end...get it?  (It always comes back to death with me!!)
THE END ;)

~Jenn