Ok, fine.

I had a good day yesterday, a really good day.  I had my first day recording a new song, actually it is a set of 4 songs, and the guy playing drums was brought in to play on the album and he was so amazing.  He had played with the eagles and steve miller band and van morrison just to name a few, and he was great.  And then there was the guitar player, yikes, so amazing it makes me want to pinch myself that all of these great musicians are wanting and willing to play MY songs...I still don't understand it so much, but hey, I am gonna go with it.
Then, I get home and I can't sleep and I wake up a lot in the middle of the night into my nighttime depression.  I can't stop worrying and thinking about the future and having a family and am I focusing on something that doesn't bring me that and I am still not over a guy who I talk to daily and I haven't heard from him in a couple of days and that makes me so sad, so sad it erases everything good that came out of the day and everything good that I have going for me.
Maybe this is just life.  No matter how good something can be, there probably is something bad sitting in your mind, right next to the good feeling, and they just wait their turns to show themselves to you.  Thank god they take their turns because for a while it seems that the bad feelings bully out all the good feelings in there.  But now, they seem to be equally showing their faces to me, so maybe that is what I should be more happy about, that it is progress towards happiness.  I want to be happy like everyone else probably wants to be happy and I am on that road.  Some people would say I should be happy no matter way, because I am alive and smart and young and not hungry and not cold, and yes, this is all true, but what is also true is that I am not happy.  I'm not.  Maybe I will never be happy, maybe happiness is moments like sadness is moments, it is all just moment to moment, breathing, living, doing...but there has to be a base of something deep inside of us all, no? Something away from fear and loneliness and neediness and unworthiness...no?  Maybe not, maybe this is just me, take it or leave it....eeeeehhhhhhh.  Ok, fine.

~Jenn