I don't know why I can't sleep. I am freakin tired, and I just lie there wondering when is it gonna happen? And then I switch positions to see if it's the position I need to change. And then I wait to see if that does anything....and it doesn't help...and then I don't get it. I just don't get the unnaturalness about being tired and not falling asleep?!?!?!?!
Anyway, moving on, I think I have an issue. Well, that's not true. I KNOW I have an issue. And it keeps coming up with every new activity I do. So, I just started photography class. I have had 2 classes so far and after the second class, I realized I do not know how to take a picture. Sure, I can set my camera to automatic, but that is a major NO NO. We are learning how to light and how to determine the shutter speed and the ISO sensitivity and the aperture and the lighting and and and...So, since the second class, I have not yet been able to pick up my camera for fear of not knowing what to do! This is a freaking class that I wanted to take, and now I am realizing I can't take a 'perfect' picture, so why bother even trying? Whatever...
I don't like this about myself. I mean, I really do believe human beings in general are not perfect. I don't want us to be perfect. We are human, it is part of our make up to NOT be perfect. And how boring would be if everyone was perfect? What would I learn if I actually knew everything? And what would perfect be when it came to art?And what is perfect anyway?
So, maybe I don't wanna be perfect, but maybe I want to be liked. I want to have someone LIKE what I do, see that I can take a good pix, see that I can write a good song, see that I can teach a good yoga class, see that I can be a good girlfriend...you get it. But the funny thing is, well, to me it's funny, is that in my attempt to be liked, I think I sabotage myself by not trying, or by not following through, or by giving up to easily in fear of failing. So, I am not going to do this anymore. I am not going to be a victim of my nerdiness. I am going to be human and take a really bad pix and show the teach all that I DON'T know! THAT is what I am going to do. I will practice being imperfect, or I will practice being me. Yay, already I feel more of my humanness. Isn't it perfect that everything is imperfect??
~Jenn
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