TRUTH

It's surprising, so surprising, to trust someone, feel like you know someone, feel like someone cares about you, and to find out they say something behind your back that is just so far from the truth, so far from being a good friend, a confident, and in the sole name of gossip...it's surprising.
And, I could be really upset about it, I could be, but because it is so far from the truth, and because my deep instinctual gut feeling about this person was that they were a fake and phony, it turns out that it doesn't really bother me...but it could, it really could.
So, one more person can be deleted from my thoughts or deleted from my calendar.  No more time worth spending on them, no more time.  Still, I stay surprised and a little rattled, but no worries, it is something that I can easily move past from and not think about ...still surprising however.
It's friday, rainy friday, and I am feeling like a movie and a glass of wine.  I am so glad I am not an alcoholic, so I can appreciate and look forward to a glass of wine on a rainy afternoon.  I can appreciate a piece of chocolate, because I know one piece is plenty for me, and I don't feel like chocolate very often.  I can appreciate a day in bed to rest, because I don't feel like that very often, and I can appreciate a good piece of meet, because when I crave it, I know my body needs it.
But, I know what I cannot appreciate because I need it constantly and I probably am a junkie for it...love, connection, love.  29 years of looking, and I still don't know if I appreciate it or not, because I am always searching for it, and then once I get it, I need more.  I don't know if I actually really feel it even, because I always need more of it...soooo... I am NOT an alcoholic, I am NOT a chocolaholic, I am NOT a steakoholic, but, my name is jenn, and I AM a lovoholic.  It can be romantic love, parental love, friendly love, sisterly love, but LOVE is the name of the game and I want it damnit.  I love giving it too, but that's probably part of the problem as well.
Let's play by the 12 step recovery program...today is day 2 and I have only looked for love once so far.  Just once.  But it is only day 2.  And tonight maybe I will look for love again, so oh boy, I will have to start from scratch again.  And just to bring me back to the beginning, I maybe can learn that I have a tendency to look for love in the wrong places...and give love unjustly...the person whom betrayed me and my trust, I was probably looking for some type of love in that situation, blinding me of what the truth was...and that's it !  THAT is the problem...whatever you need, whatever you so call crave, it will blind you and keep you from the truth, and ultimately it will hurt you.  The truth is here to save you, set you free, and the other stuff, whatever you try to make yourself believe of convince yourself to see, if it is not true, it will hurt you and make you unhappy.  Whether you want to believe this or not, the hard truth is that is doesn't matter what you believe or not, because truth is above your belief's, your idea's, your walls...truth is gonna ride over anything else, and that is the fuckin truth!  Ok, maybe there's a song in all of this rubbish :)
(Maybe I shouldn't drink in the afternoon either :) )

~Jenn